I just have to marvel at the grace of God. Have you ever felt like some victorious champion simply because you and your family made it to church? Maybe a bit late...but hey...you MADE IT! An amazing feat! Sometimes you really have to go through the guantlet to make it happen. Never giving in, just continuing to push through every obstacle.
That about describes last Sunday for me. I love church, but getting there is not always easy. Sometimes the challenges are constant and unrelenting. Sometimes they come in the form of a two year old. A two year old who is all of sudden developing quirks that boggle a mother's mind. Why Manny suddenly has an aversion to wearing a jacket of any sort is a mystery to me. He cries as if he is in pain no matter which jacket he wears. Why the sudden dislike of jackets when Fall is upon us? I have no idea. But that wasn't the only challenge we had in getting him dressed. His Sunday shoes simply would not fit. That is with socks. After several rushed attempts (we were already a bit late) to get his shoes on his sweet little chunky feet, I decided to forgo the socks this time. I was able to chuckle a little about it and take it lightly, but internally I was feeling frazzled.
As soon as we were all piled into our seats in the van...Joelle broke the news that she couldn't buckle Manny's car seat because it was too tight. "Are you sure?" "Make sure you tug on it". All attempts failed. At that moment I knew...I was going to have to do a very hard thing. I would have to get back out...have everyone move out of the way so that I could pull the car seat out and adjust his seat belt buckle. It's almost laughable now to think that this was actually a trial at the time. But you know what it feels like when every second counts? As I said we were already late for choir practice.
I felt all eyes on me. Everyone watching me to see how I would respond. Everyone knew the challenges I had already experienced with Manny. And now this unexpected car seat ordeal. Had mommy had enough?Was this to be the tip of the iceberg? It easily could have been. My family has definitely seen my ugly, frustrated side. The part of me that I wouldn't dare let anyone else see, if I can help it. I might even reason that I'm really not so bad compared to some, but God has taught me better. Have you ever driven to church in awkward silence because you lost your patience with your family? It's a terrible feeling. I have felt it's grief and remorse and I do not want to feel it again. I want to love them and be patient with them, even when we are running late.
It is in these moments that I should remember Romans 12:1-2...
I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God,
to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable
to God, which is your spiritual worship.
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the
renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is
the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
My worship certainly doesn't begin when I walk through the doors of a church building. It happens in my living room. It happens in my driveway. In every choice I make, I am presenting myself to God. I have to evaluate if my offering is acceptable to him. Mercifully he has given me his Son so that through him I have the strength to do what pleases him.
Silently, I fixed the car seat issue. A metal hook was caught on another part of the seat from behind. Mystery solved. Manny got back into his seat and we were on our way. I sat in my seat, put my head back and closed my eyes. I breathed a sigh of relief. I thanked God for his grace and strength so far that morning. I was glad to have the twenty minute drive to calm my heart and pray.
Precious, precious blessings. By God's grace I want to love you in the most
challenging moments of my life. Thank you for how often you have been so
forgiving. You have seen mommy's struggles up close and personal. I only
pray that you see how much I depend on God's grace and strength. I hope
that you will do the same all the days of your lives.
I thank God that there is always forgiveness when I do fail, but there is also victory. I think it's in the little moments that these that temptations come on strong for mommies. God gives us the strength to resist. And when we do, his power is seen in us.
The wisest of women builds her house,
but folly with her own hands tears it down.
Proverbs 14:1
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