I could have done better at that // My life as it is

"Everything about which we are tempted to complain may be the very instrument whereby the Potter intends to shape his clay into the image of his Son..."  --from "Keep a Quiet Heart" by Elisabeth Elliot

Simply overwhelmed...
You know, even in the midst of all that needs to be done, it is refreshing to sit down and collect my thoughts and write about the way things are.  You might read this and think that I ought to be unpacking boxes instead of writing about how overwhelmed I feel.  But, please understand, the thinking through, the writing and the sharing simply helps.  It helps a great deal.  And I hope that the reality of the struggles I face will encourage you in yours.  Because whose life is perfect anyway?  So here it is...my life lately...

Sometimes it just feels like there is too much happening and too much that needs to be accomplished.  This overwhelmed feeling has become very familiar to me, especially in the past year or so.  There are many new things in my life and I have been through some big changes.  For one, I live in a new state.  We moved from one side of the continent to the other.  And I don't even have my official state driver's license yet because I failed the written test twice.  The rule at the DMV is three strikes and you're out so after failing twice, I decided to pick my jaw up off of the floor and take home the book to study out all of the particulars of driving in California rather than pay the fee again.  I was so shocked that I didn't pass!  That's what I get for my over- confidence.  I thought, why would I need to study for something I've been doing for over eighteen years?!  Well, obviously I thought wrong.  It's time to study that book because my temporary license will expire soon.

Things don't always go as smoothly as I'd like...
My tendency to be laid back and take a calm approach is sometimes helpful but other times it can result in my not being as prepared as I thought I was.  Like the morning of my C-section when we went to the wrong hospital.  Can I just say, this was my eighth baby and I don't think I have ever gone on a hospital tour before delivery.  My mentality has always been "I'll show up and I'll be told where to go".  Simple, right?  Well, not so simple when on the morning of your scheduled surgery you go to the wrong hospital!  In our defense, we went to the one they told us to go to at the Pre-Op appointment.  But here's the thing: both hospitals have the same word in their name.  Thankfully, they are pretty close to each other so we were still able to make it on time.  But I knew I was in trouble when the lady behind the desk at the first hospital had no record of me and asked if I went to a Pre-Op appointment.  She also told me that she had noticed that I was pregnant but she didn't want to outright ask me when I walked in.  Her words..."You're in the wrong place..."  were pretty hard for me to take.  She also said, "I'll call them and tell them you're on your way."  I could have done without that as well.  I was already embarrassed enough.  It all turned out well in the end but I felt pretty bad about getting the hospitals mixed up on such an important day of my life.  Please don't get the wrong idea about me, I rather like having all my ducks in a row, being prepared and knowing what I am doing.  But that was not my day to shine.

My life as it is...
Honestly, I haven't felt very "shiny" lately.  Life has felt dulled by the constant presence of cardboard boxes and bags of things I want to donate.  I have felt like a woman scrambling, hurrying, over-exerting, and multi-plate spinning.  I have felt like I never have enough time to accomplish what I need to do.  There have been peaks where I really gain some traction and bring a task to completion (man, that's a good feeling!) but there have been so many valleys where I just don't know where to start.  Times where I have just sat there and prayed because I feel like I am spinning my wheels and getting nowhere.  "Where do I begin, Lord?...help me!"  It seems that not long after I sort through umpteen boxes of clothing that each room gets slammed with more laundry.  Because it doesn't stop needing to be washed, dried and folded when you're moving in to a house.  Oh, and let's not forget the putting away part.  ;)

Most of the conversations my husband and I have had lately consist of relaying to each other what we plan to accomplish that day.  And he has a job to do that requires a lot of him and he's been coming home in the evenings to work on the house.  I told him that I don't know how he is doing it and of course his response was "By God's grace..."

And I am homeschooling and recovering from surgery and getting adjusted to a caring for a newborn again and just longing for everything to be in it's place.  It really starts to get to me.  I didn't realize how just how much until a few mornings ago when I sat alone with my husband and began the attempt to articulate the way I feel lately.

You don't know how many times I have just wished I could snap my fingers and have everything put away.  I do consider a job well done very rewarding and it's not that I am against hard work.  But it seems that so much has to come together for me to be able to dig into a task.  My children must be fed, taken care of, occupied (hopefully there is a job I can give them) and not only that, I must have the energy and motivation to tackle the project.  Please hear me, I am not complaining.  This is just what I am going through.

I really am doing the best I can...
So there I was with my husband.  Telling him all.  Telling him that I really feel like I should be moved in by now.  For one thing people who come over are still seeing boxes and things out of place and how long ago did we start moving in?!!

"Marisha, stop worrying about what other people think, just focus on doing your best for God."

And my tears came.  And I realized that some pressure to get things done is good, but sometimes we put undue pressure on ourselves and our souls just need to be at rest.  To start each day with a desire to honor God with the work of our hands and to do what we can but we cannot do it all.  Because life is happening and there are things that you and I are going through.  For me, a new life in a new place with a new baby.  And all of these new things come with new challenges, like the dishwasher that overflowed with water onto our kitchen floor this morning.  Later on the phone, my husband and I had a hearty laugh about the whole ordeal, AFTER THE FACT.  But when things like that happen you always feel like it's the LAST thing you needed at that moment.  It was upsetting and I nearly slipped and fell when I was sopping up the water with towels.  So we are getting to know this house with all of its quirks and making decisions about what we need to fix and when.  Sometimes I minimize how big these changes in my life really are.  But I'm realizing that sometimes they are big to me.  But I know that my God is bigger and I will grow through this and he is with me through it all, giving me grace and strength to carry on.

So with the challenges I am facing, I do feel weak.  I feel the dullness of the daily grind of unpacking more boxes in the midst of all of my other responsibilities.   I feel the pressure of the things that need doing and fixing.  But here is the thing.  I cannot let it consume me.  I cannot keep putting off important things because of all of this work that needs to be done.  We still have people over, though things aren't picture perfect right now.  And I still need to have fun with my family and not feel guilty because there is work that still needs to be accomplished.  It's always there!

I put it off for too long...
Last week I gave up telling myself the story that as soon as I sat down and made an "official" schedule that I would begin my "Bible Time" with the kids in the mornings.  Why is it that when I am in "survival mode" that I think we can survive by dropping that from our daily schedule?!  It goes against everything I know to be true and right but I confess I did it anyway.  I figured that our after-dinner time with dad would be enough.  It takes some energy and the wherewithal to teach a group of energetic kids a Bible lesson so I put it on hold for a while.  Until this past week when I thought "What am I waiting for?!" and I pulled out the book we were using and told them that TODAY we were going to have Bible Time.  They actually got excited about it, they cheered, and I think I even heard a couple of them shout "YAY!".  And I just felt rebuked that I had put it off for so long.  But it's just the way that my brain works sometimes.  I think "First this and then that."  Sometimes it's a good thing because I am trying to prioritize and keep my sanity.  But in this case I don't think I was prioritizing so well.  We were basically getting by but I know I could have done better.  Isn't it a wonderful thing that we as parents have so much capacity to teach our children about God?!  It is such a privilege that I have neglected far too often, to my shame.

My husband's exciting project...
The extra projects we have been doing have certainly added to our workload.  And add to that the things that need fixing and installing.  We STILL have a few of those things on our list of things to do.  But even though those extra projects have slowed things down a bit, I wouldn't trade every boxed unpacked for the sight of my husband's enthusiasm and excitement over the butcher block counter top he has been putting together out in the garage.  It's been a long while since I have seen him get excited over a project and the light in his eyes as he plans and carries out his ideas is priceless.  I can't wait until  we can enjoy using it and have a little more counter space.  :)

So much I look forward to...yet enjoying life as it is...
There is so much that I want to do.  Not only in this house but outside of it as well.  Coffee dates, Bible studies, trips to the park and all of that!  There are things that will definitely make their way into our schedule eventually but I simply cannot put them there yet.  I just have to do the best I can to honor God with the hours that he gives me.  And lately that mostly consists of feeding, burping, changing and loving on our sweet baby boy and trying to take the time to show all of the others that I still have enough love for them too.  That shows itself in different ways.  The other night I enjoyed just sitting on the couch in our family room and laughing, recounting stories we've heard, movies we've seen, memories that meant something and Javi's hilarious retelling of Goldilocks and the Three Bears.  He kept tacking on "...and she KNEW she wasn't supposed to do that!"  He had us all cracking up.  These are just simple moments of being together.  Nothing flashy or earth shattering.  Just us, together.  Sometimes you just gotta keep it simple and enjoy life as it is.

Bright and beautiful TEN!

Tomorrow we'll be celebrating ten years of this amazing girl's life.  The days when I thought she was a timid little girl seem like a distant memory now.  Now I see her differently.  She is bold and courageous.  She knows what she wants and she goes for it.  She is not afraid to try new things.  She often has to be reminded that there are some things that she needs to ask mom about first, you know, before she tries them.  She loves to laugh, she loves life and I love her to bits.  Sweet, spunky girl.

When she sets her heart on something it is pretty hard to budge her.  This can be a strength as well as a weakness.  How often I have encouraged her to put her trust in God, the giver of opportunities and the loving one who sometimes withholds what we want because he knows what we really need.  Yes, as a mom I often teach while learning those lessons at the same time.

I have been noticing that Brienne is a very careful observer of the people around her.  Sometimes this means picking up bad habits and trying them on for size.  It also means seeing what mom and dad think about it. We see it as another opportunity to point her to God.  "Just because someone else does that (or says that) does not mean it is right."  You see, when you've got a choice between wrong, hmmmm...maybe not so bad, and best, shouldn't you always choose best?  Especially when it comes to choosing your words?  God has certainly not left us without wisdom on that matter!

But I have also noticed her doing her best to be friendly.  She thrives on interacting with people.  She often goes with me to the laundromat and she looks out for other kids to talk and giggle with.  One time a little girl her age was there with her mom.  The mom was not interested in being friendly but this little girl was.  Our time there was a mixture of finishing up schoolwork (homework for the girl) and chatting a little.  Shortly before we left I gave Brienne a "Bridge" tract to give to her friend.  She went back to her math and waited for a good moment to give it to her.  After giving it to her, the girl said "Oh, we believe in God.  We used to walk on water."  Brienne was pretty much speechless.  :)  It was fun to talk later about good ways to respond to that...somehow I doubt that one will ever come up again but...you never know.  I pray that the Lord will give her a strong desire to make his truth known to the people he brings into her life.

The next time we went she kept trying to connect with this little girl there and it just wasn't working.  She'd say hello, smile, wave, sit somewhat near her but the girl was oblivious.  I watched Brienne with interest as I crocheted a baby blanket.  She even commented to me how she kept trying to be friendly to the girl but it just wasn't working.  Brienne wasn't being pushy or anything, she was just making herself available.  To me, that is boldness in and of itself.  She doesn't seem to worry too much about what people think.  I love that about her.  I hope she never lets the fear of rejection stop her from reaching out in love.  

My beautiful daughter.  You are sunshine in my life.

What's big sis up to?

Our transition into a structured day of homeschooling has actually gone quite well.  It seems that every one or two years our family life changes a bit and we have to make adjustments.  One wonderful change this year has been to spread out my kids into different rooms so there is minimal distraction and we get more accomplished in less time.  It is working out great and I hope to continue the pattern when we move into our home.

I work with Clara, my first-grader, first thing in the morning and it has worked well to bring Isabel and Manny with us into the playroom to color or play while I teach Clara her lessons.  While we are tucked away in there, my other children are busy about accomplishing all of the work that they can do on their own, in the various rooms I have assigned them to

.  

This morning, as the morning work was almost finished and it was time for the kids to get dressed to go outside and play (yes, sometimes we do school in our pajamas), Isabel followed me into the main room to see what her big sisters were up to...

Brienne likes to get creative and do things that are out of the ordinary.  That is why instead of sitting at the table in a chair, she would rather sit on an ottoman in front of a piano bench.  ;)  

Of course, she was happy to have Isabel join her and to pull out some stickers just for fun.

Sisters.  So sweet.

I love to watch them together...it brings my heart such joy.

Don't apologize for the mess

Life lately is quite the crazy adventure.  Yesterday afternoon, there were big plans to lug four loads of laundry to the laundromat.  These plans were hindered by the exciting conversation Amera and I were having concerning our schedule for the new school year.  Some of the first things to figure out were: what time to get up? who showers when? (with one shower) and when to have personal and family time in the Bible?  Things are definitely going to be more structured in the coming days.  To be honest, in many ways I long for that.

So Amera and I were bouncing ideas off of each other and trying to get all this daily life stuff figured out.  She has all of these great ideas and plans to teach her siblings the Bible every other week.  I am so excited to give her a chance to implement them!  I am also excited to teach them more regularly than I have been lately.  So many plans to get excited about!  So, anyway, it was getting later in the afternoon and...remember those four loads of laundry?  Well I was just about to get up and go when my husband comes bursting in the door saying "Marisha, we need to go look at a house!"  So I jumped up, grabbed what I needed and headed out the door.  It was not the first time and it won't be the last.  It's exciting, it's disappointing...it's an all around adventure.  The search for our home continues.

No matter where we make our cozy abode, life will be happening.  Real life.  Life that sometimes gets messy.  Life that we don't always have time to keep up with.  Life that doesn't feel "normal".  Oh sure, schedules are good and all but I know all too well that some days they will completely fall apart.  Life will happen.  The unexpected will come up.  We will have to do our best to be flexible, go with the flow and just do our best.

I finally made it to the laundromat.  I took three children to help me and we finished just in time to rush home and heat up leftovers for dinner.  After dinner I had to run to the store to get diapers and school supplies for next week.  It was my first time driving to Target alone.  By the time I left it was after 10pm, it was dark out so things looked different and I had to try and remember how to get back home.  I didn't have a phone with me or I would have just called Javier for directions.  Thankfully, I recognized many of the street names from driving around looking at houses and I was able to find my way eventually.  All of this made for a late evening without much getting done on the home front.  All that to say, today the saga continued as late nights make for late mornings.

There are things around here that don't always get cleaned up or put away right away.  I cannot always put life on hold for that.  I'd like to say that I live in a spotless and mess-free environment but it's far from the truth.  I don't like messes and I spend a lot of time eradicating them.  But I am learning that sometimes they just have to wait.  More important things are happening.  Like the sweet morning I enjoyed just smiling and loving on my kids as we ate our breakfast cereal.  Like the excitement of showing Manny the new flashcards I got for him last night.  We enjoyed going through those.  It didn't take place in an immaculate home that looks like something out of Better Homes and Gardens either.  It looked more like this...

See, I could have fooled you a little bit and only shown you the first picture.  But, this was my morning.  I should have taken the photo with all my sweet children smiling around the table...yeah, that would've been better and then you'd understand why I let the mess wait a bit.  ;)  

You know, on a little side note, it's times like these that I usually receive unexpected visitors.  There are times (although probably rare!) when everything is neat, tidy and orderly but does anyone unexpected come over then?  Of course not!  

A sweet friend came over today to see if I needed anything from the store.  The kids and I hadn't started the "clean up party" just yet and I resisted the temptation to apologize for things being a bit messy.  It is a powerful urge because everything in me wants to say "Please don't think that I am comfortable with crumbs on the floor.  Really, ants are not my friends.  I was actually just about to clean up in here."  But I've learned it's better to just not mention it.  Better to just focus on being a friend and ignore it while they are there.  I was happy to have the time to visit with her and not make it an issue.  I had already resolved in my heart about a year ago that I would never again apologize for the messes our sweet life produces.  They happen, they are normal, and they can't always be cleaned up right away.  Sometimes people take precedence...especially little people.  :)

I'll leave you with a few sweet photos of Isabel and Clara from this morning.  Isabel calls Clara "Kah" and she was doling out the kisses and the cheesy smiles.

There is so much to love about being a mom to these precious little ones.  Sometimes the cleaning just needs to wait a little.  It'll always be there anyway.  These amazing children, however, are growing up fast!

Isabel is lovin' it

The wonderful thing about living in a preschool building is that you have a really cool playground right there in your backyard.  

And that gets this little girl pretty excited!

We are blessed.

The many faces of Isabel

It was a happy Friday morning.  Isabel sat at the table with Amera and I while all the other children continued to sleep in their beds.  She was far from sleepy and so playful and cute that we couldn't help but be a little distracted from doing our Bible study.  

One of my favorite things in the world are the expressions on her sweet little face.  And this morning I didn't want to miss a single one!  

Our trip to California

It feels strange to type after a week long break from my trusty laptop.  I feel so out of practice.  I opened up email again...I responded to Facebook messages...I renewed a few books that (ooops) somehow never made it back to the library before we left.  I'm feeling somewhat caught up with things now and for the first time since we have returned home, I have set my alarm for five am.  Here we go normal!  I figured I had better start getting ready for next week.  I think we finally have our sleeping schedules adjusted.

We had a great time in California.  We candidated at a church and spent just about every day happily getting to know new friends from the church.  We also enjoyed some great food which was an added bonus! ;)  And we were amazed at the big, juicy, California strawberries we bought from a vendor's stand across the street from the church.

We had everything we could have possibly needed.  A comfy place to sleep...and to everyone who asked we told them "Yes, we all fit in that trailer!"  :)  It was a lot like camping, only when we woke up in the morning we walked across the parking lot to a building with games, books, movies and toys...and a playground.  The kids enjoyed themselves.

[the Preschool play area]

My husband taught Sunday School on two Sundays, and he preached Sunday morning and evening as well.  I know I may be a bit biased but hearing him speak is always a treat for me. :)  I love his heart for God and for people and how much he treasures God's Word.  Where would we be without God?!  

Even though I do not know what the outcome of the church vote will be on April 21st, I cannot help but pray and dream of all the ways in which we could serve God there.  

At an "Open House" for the Christian Academy that is a part of the church, one of the parents asked me if I am ready for all of the challenges of being a pastor's wife.  I compared it to parenting.  I said, "Before becoming a parent we try to be as prepared as possible for it but there are some things that we just have to learn by doing."  

I am excited about what God can do.  I know I will need God's grace and I will pray hard through every challenge.  I will grow, I will be stretched and I will turn to God for help.  

Of course, since my life may be about to undergo a major change, I am on pins and needles to hear the results of the voting and ultimately learn whether or not this is the place that God has for us.  I am confident that he will carry out the plans that he has had from the very beginning.  I serve a great and awesome God and that is one thing I can always be sure of.

[By the way, I really wish I had taken more pictures.  

Most of these were taken the first day we were there.  

I guess that is an indication of how busy things were for us! ;) ]