I could have done better at that // My life as it is

"Everything about which we are tempted to complain may be the very instrument whereby the Potter intends to shape his clay into the image of his Son..."  --from "Keep a Quiet Heart" by Elisabeth Elliot

Simply overwhelmed...
You know, even in the midst of all that needs to be done, it is refreshing to sit down and collect my thoughts and write about the way things are.  You might read this and think that I ought to be unpacking boxes instead of writing about how overwhelmed I feel.  But, please understand, the thinking through, the writing and the sharing simply helps.  It helps a great deal.  And I hope that the reality of the struggles I face will encourage you in yours.  Because whose life is perfect anyway?  So here it is...my life lately...

Sometimes it just feels like there is too much happening and too much that needs to be accomplished.  This overwhelmed feeling has become very familiar to me, especially in the past year or so.  There are many new things in my life and I have been through some big changes.  For one, I live in a new state.  We moved from one side of the continent to the other.  And I don't even have my official state driver's license yet because I failed the written test twice.  The rule at the DMV is three strikes and you're out so after failing twice, I decided to pick my jaw up off of the floor and take home the book to study out all of the particulars of driving in California rather than pay the fee again.  I was so shocked that I didn't pass!  That's what I get for my over- confidence.  I thought, why would I need to study for something I've been doing for over eighteen years?!  Well, obviously I thought wrong.  It's time to study that book because my temporary license will expire soon.

Things don't always go as smoothly as I'd like...
My tendency to be laid back and take a calm approach is sometimes helpful but other times it can result in my not being as prepared as I thought I was.  Like the morning of my C-section when we went to the wrong hospital.  Can I just say, this was my eighth baby and I don't think I have ever gone on a hospital tour before delivery.  My mentality has always been "I'll show up and I'll be told where to go".  Simple, right?  Well, not so simple when on the morning of your scheduled surgery you go to the wrong hospital!  In our defense, we went to the one they told us to go to at the Pre-Op appointment.  But here's the thing: both hospitals have the same word in their name.  Thankfully, they are pretty close to each other so we were still able to make it on time.  But I knew I was in trouble when the lady behind the desk at the first hospital had no record of me and asked if I went to a Pre-Op appointment.  She also told me that she had noticed that I was pregnant but she didn't want to outright ask me when I walked in.  Her words..."You're in the wrong place..."  were pretty hard for me to take.  She also said, "I'll call them and tell them you're on your way."  I could have done without that as well.  I was already embarrassed enough.  It all turned out well in the end but I felt pretty bad about getting the hospitals mixed up on such an important day of my life.  Please don't get the wrong idea about me, I rather like having all my ducks in a row, being prepared and knowing what I am doing.  But that was not my day to shine.

My life as it is...
Honestly, I haven't felt very "shiny" lately.  Life has felt dulled by the constant presence of cardboard boxes and bags of things I want to donate.  I have felt like a woman scrambling, hurrying, over-exerting, and multi-plate spinning.  I have felt like I never have enough time to accomplish what I need to do.  There have been peaks where I really gain some traction and bring a task to completion (man, that's a good feeling!) but there have been so many valleys where I just don't know where to start.  Times where I have just sat there and prayed because I feel like I am spinning my wheels and getting nowhere.  "Where do I begin, Lord?...help me!"  It seems that not long after I sort through umpteen boxes of clothing that each room gets slammed with more laundry.  Because it doesn't stop needing to be washed, dried and folded when you're moving in to a house.  Oh, and let's not forget the putting away part.  ;)

Most of the conversations my husband and I have had lately consist of relaying to each other what we plan to accomplish that day.  And he has a job to do that requires a lot of him and he's been coming home in the evenings to work on the house.  I told him that I don't know how he is doing it and of course his response was "By God's grace..."

And I am homeschooling and recovering from surgery and getting adjusted to a caring for a newborn again and just longing for everything to be in it's place.  It really starts to get to me.  I didn't realize how just how much until a few mornings ago when I sat alone with my husband and began the attempt to articulate the way I feel lately.

You don't know how many times I have just wished I could snap my fingers and have everything put away.  I do consider a job well done very rewarding and it's not that I am against hard work.  But it seems that so much has to come together for me to be able to dig into a task.  My children must be fed, taken care of, occupied (hopefully there is a job I can give them) and not only that, I must have the energy and motivation to tackle the project.  Please hear me, I am not complaining.  This is just what I am going through.

I really am doing the best I can...
So there I was with my husband.  Telling him all.  Telling him that I really feel like I should be moved in by now.  For one thing people who come over are still seeing boxes and things out of place and how long ago did we start moving in?!!

"Marisha, stop worrying about what other people think, just focus on doing your best for God."

And my tears came.  And I realized that some pressure to get things done is good, but sometimes we put undue pressure on ourselves and our souls just need to be at rest.  To start each day with a desire to honor God with the work of our hands and to do what we can but we cannot do it all.  Because life is happening and there are things that you and I are going through.  For me, a new life in a new place with a new baby.  And all of these new things come with new challenges, like the dishwasher that overflowed with water onto our kitchen floor this morning.  Later on the phone, my husband and I had a hearty laugh about the whole ordeal, AFTER THE FACT.  But when things like that happen you always feel like it's the LAST thing you needed at that moment.  It was upsetting and I nearly slipped and fell when I was sopping up the water with towels.  So we are getting to know this house with all of its quirks and making decisions about what we need to fix and when.  Sometimes I minimize how big these changes in my life really are.  But I'm realizing that sometimes they are big to me.  But I know that my God is bigger and I will grow through this and he is with me through it all, giving me grace and strength to carry on.

So with the challenges I am facing, I do feel weak.  I feel the dullness of the daily grind of unpacking more boxes in the midst of all of my other responsibilities.   I feel the pressure of the things that need doing and fixing.  But here is the thing.  I cannot let it consume me.  I cannot keep putting off important things because of all of this work that needs to be done.  We still have people over, though things aren't picture perfect right now.  And I still need to have fun with my family and not feel guilty because there is work that still needs to be accomplished.  It's always there!

I put it off for too long...
Last week I gave up telling myself the story that as soon as I sat down and made an "official" schedule that I would begin my "Bible Time" with the kids in the mornings.  Why is it that when I am in "survival mode" that I think we can survive by dropping that from our daily schedule?!  It goes against everything I know to be true and right but I confess I did it anyway.  I figured that our after-dinner time with dad would be enough.  It takes some energy and the wherewithal to teach a group of energetic kids a Bible lesson so I put it on hold for a while.  Until this past week when I thought "What am I waiting for?!" and I pulled out the book we were using and told them that TODAY we were going to have Bible Time.  They actually got excited about it, they cheered, and I think I even heard a couple of them shout "YAY!".  And I just felt rebuked that I had put it off for so long.  But it's just the way that my brain works sometimes.  I think "First this and then that."  Sometimes it's a good thing because I am trying to prioritize and keep my sanity.  But in this case I don't think I was prioritizing so well.  We were basically getting by but I know I could have done better.  Isn't it a wonderful thing that we as parents have so much capacity to teach our children about God?!  It is such a privilege that I have neglected far too often, to my shame.

My husband's exciting project...
The extra projects we have been doing have certainly added to our workload.  And add to that the things that need fixing and installing.  We STILL have a few of those things on our list of things to do.  But even though those extra projects have slowed things down a bit, I wouldn't trade every boxed unpacked for the sight of my husband's enthusiasm and excitement over the butcher block counter top he has been putting together out in the garage.  It's been a long while since I have seen him get excited over a project and the light in his eyes as he plans and carries out his ideas is priceless.  I can't wait until  we can enjoy using it and have a little more counter space.  :)

So much I look forward to...yet enjoying life as it is...
There is so much that I want to do.  Not only in this house but outside of it as well.  Coffee dates, Bible studies, trips to the park and all of that!  There are things that will definitely make their way into our schedule eventually but I simply cannot put them there yet.  I just have to do the best I can to honor God with the hours that he gives me.  And lately that mostly consists of feeding, burping, changing and loving on our sweet baby boy and trying to take the time to show all of the others that I still have enough love for them too.  That shows itself in different ways.  The other night I enjoyed just sitting on the couch in our family room and laughing, recounting stories we've heard, movies we've seen, memories that meant something and Javi's hilarious retelling of Goldilocks and the Three Bears.  He kept tacking on "...and she KNEW she wasn't supposed to do that!"  He had us all cracking up.  These are just simple moments of being together.  Nothing flashy or earth shattering.  Just us, together.  Sometimes you just gotta keep it simple and enjoy life as it is.

From a shaky start to a firm resolve {my marriage story}

A shaky start...
There I was, seventeen and fresh out of boot camp and several weeks of Tech. school.  I had joined the Air Force because it was all I had ever known and all I thought I would be able to do at that time in my life.  It got me out on my own and it got me out of North Dakota where I had spent my last two years of high school, freezing like never before and wondering what to do with my life.

I met my husband in a room full of chairs and a handful of young airmen in uniform.  We were there for "in processing" to our base.  We had both been stationed in New Mexico.

Things happened very fast for us.  And you know, it's funny how a person can think they are having so much fun with their lifestyle and yet later consider it a period of darkness.  But that is how I view those early days.  Sure, there were glimmers of light but much was missing and there were holes that only God could fill and torn places that only God could mend.  I love my husband and I am glad for God's transforming power in his life.  But I shudder to think of where we would be if God had not intervened.  And not just because of my husband, but because of me.

It was a long time before I could even refer to those early days when we met without cringing and without not even wanting to talk about it.  It was inevitable, someone would ask the question  "So...how did you meet?" and my soul was in turmoil.  I struggled between wanting to be completely honest with our new Christian friends and yet knew I had to just keep it light most of the time.  We had just come out of a different culture with a completely different set of rules.  Most of them were made up as we went along.  I knew that not everyone wanted to hear unpleasant details of how godless we were.  I felt like a war veteran returning home from a hard battle.  Everything was supposed to be "normal" now yet I had seen too much.  I had experienced things that I would not dare to attempt to put into words and most of them were by choice.  It would take time and healing to get over it.  It would take the grace of God and the understanding that his love is deep, constant and sure.

You know, I see these articles online that talk about choosing a husband and all of the things to look for.  They talk about making a list of all the qualities that are important to you and not forgetting it all when a cute guy is flattering you and you're tempted to lose your resolve.  Would you believe me if I told you that one of the first questions I asked my husband a little while after we had met was "Are you religious?"  And I wasn't asking because I was hoping he was.  I was glad when he said no.  Honestly, I couldn't have really defined "religious" except that I knew it had to do with God.  And I had nothing whatsoever to do with God.  And so, check that one off, we had a match.

The "live and let die" mentality that I had saddens me now.  What a pointless existence.  Even when I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted, I was really just confused and walking on shaky ground.

As my husband tells the story "We met in December, I proposed in February, and we were married in April."  Yeah, it happened fast.  He told me that he loved me after only two weeks.  It wasn't mutual,  I thought he was crazy.  He tried so hard to impress me, I thought he was showing off and almost broke up with him.  Almost.

When it came time for us to be married, for some strange reason I thought it should be in a church setting.  I told you I was confused.  Well, the chaplain had us take a compatibility test and it revealed that we had some very different backgrounds and ideas concerning God.  As we sat in the chaplain's office he handed me a sheet of paper so that I could read what he would say in a typical wedding and he said to me "I don't think you'd be comfortable with this."  And he was right.  There I was, in tears in his office.  Confused and wavering.

That was me when it came to my thoughts, my decisions and my life.  Just wavering.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  You try to act like you're ok, but you're not.  There are things about your life that look normal and healthy on the surface but inside you are full of darkness and emptiness.  And the sad part is that most of the time you don't even know it.  Most of the time you can get by ignoring it and think everything in your life is just fine that way it is.  Until God's light begins to shine in and helps you to truly see.

A firm resolve...
So here I am, 37 years old.  I'm thankful for God's grace.  I'm thankful that my husband and I have submitted our lives to Christ.  I wasn't careful enough but God was so merciful.  I know it doesn't always happen this way.  Those of us who know Christ cannot just take plunges in life and simply hope that everything turns out ok in the end.  We have to make careful, discerning and wise decisions when it comes to who we will spend our lives with.

I tell my children that I love their dad.  I love that he fears God.  I love that he is a hard worker and that pleasing God is so important to him.  I love that he takes good care of me.  I love that he loves them.  That he laughs and plays with them and best of all teaches them the Word of God.  This is all God's work in his life.  I don't want to take it for granted.  And I want them to see how important it is for a person to have these qualities.

You see, because cute guys who tell you what you want to hear will only last for so long.  The trials will come, the important decisions in life will need to be made and you can't get by with just his good looks and his sense of humor (although admittedly, they do help).  You want a man of firm conviction and integrity.  A man who will do what is right when no one else is looking.  A man who lives his life to please God and not himself.

Seek the Lord and choose wisely girls.  You won't find perfection but a man who loves God above all else and desires to know him more is where it starts.  And not just for them but for you.

A little one is welcomed and a mama tries to "behave"

It's been about a month since I have written in this space.  Enticing writing prompts have been delivered to my inbox and tucked away with the thought of possibly writing if I ended up with the time.  Honestly, a little time may have come but the energy, motivation and inspiration were all used up at that point.

Oh, it's not that I haven't had some creative outlet...I don't know what I'd do without that.  Thankfully, crocheting is such a relaxing activity that I can be creative and restful all at the same time.  Even being able to do at least one row is often enough to satisfy my creative urges.  I have found a favorite stitch by the way.  The "raised rib stitch".  I seriously think I have found the stitch of my dreams.  For all of you crocheters out there, you know what I mean.  ;)  I will definitely be using it again in the future.

Another creative outlet has been all of the painting projects in the house.  These projects managed to get all of their paint before I went to the hospital but they are still not quite complete.  My dear husband has had much to take care of in my absence and pulling out power tools just wasn't on the list...that is...not until today!  Once they are complete with all of the hinges and doors in place I will definitely share some pictures with you!  :)

The days leading up to my C-section were spent in a bit of a frenzy, well, as much of a frenzy that a nine months pregnant woman can get into!  I'm telling you, I really wore myself out!  Much time was spent wrapping up projects that I knew I would not have the wherewithal to accomplish after Samuel was brought home.  And getting things painted and put in place was actually needful so that we could put other things in their place.

And now, post C-section, I find that there is whole lot that my mind and heart would love to accomplish, yet I am still limited.  I still remember the words from a caring friend in my last week of pregnancy.  As we spoke about the coming days and my upcoming surgery, she said "You're going to behave, right?"  Those words have rung in my ears more than once.  I make it my aim to sleep when the baby sleeps as much as possible and to be the one who does every possible job that can be done sitting down.  Today, that means folding laundry while I instruct the other children in doing things that require standing for longer periods and bending down and lifting up.

Honestly, "behaving" is not very hard when you feel like a small fire has been lit in your belly as soon as you've done a little too much.  Sorry if that is "T.M.I." but it's enough for me to call in for reinforcements and my dose of Motrin. :)

This morning, my husband is out doing his morning routine of lifting weights with a friend, the children are still asleep (every single one of them!) and I have been up since 6am.  Every moment is a treasure, you know.  As I sit here and type, I am fully aware that the next word may be my last if little Sammy wakes up.  It's like a little alarm you anticipate going off at any moment.  We kind of chuckle about it but it seems that as soon as someone either hands me a plate of food or I open the pages of a book, the baby cries.  It rarely ever fails.  But it's so worth it.  This little guy is a high priority right now.

Isn't he a cutie?

And by the way, he is doing very well.  He is so small, so soft, and so sweet.  It's amazing how little newborns are.  It seems I always forget that and then I am so stunningly reminded.  We all chuckle at his serious little face as he looks around at all of us, just taking it all in.

We're not a perfect family, Sammy but we are so glad that God has made you a part of it.  Welcome to our home and into our hearts.  We are so glad you are here, little man.

P.S.  Taking care of you helps me to slow down and rest like I'm supposed to.  ;)  You are pure therapy.

Inconvenient {a writing prompt}

Since July 3, 2013, our family has made two large rooms in a preschool our home.  I have lost count of how many times I have been asked where something is.  All I know is that it is to the point of brain exhaustion.  I have nine people in my family with two feet each and in the summer it wasn't so bad because we only had the occasional lost flip flop or sandal.  But then it got colder and socks were introduced.  People sometimes complain about their socks getting gobbled up by the "dryer monster" but I have had monsters lurking in every corner of all the rooms I have lived in for the past few months.

Why our family has such an issue with retaining matching socks is beyond me.  After moving here and being told by my children umpteen times that they could not find ANY socks whatsoever, I decided to give up on frugality and buy very large packages of socks at Target.  For every. single. one. of them.  It was liberating...for a while.  Now we have moved into a house.  Actually, we are still in the process of moving.  It saddens me and it causes me to shake my head in disbelief...but we have not been able to find one single pair of matching socks for my boys.  On Saturday evening, as we made preparations for church the next morning, I actually had to dig into my trusty "sock bag" (a bag containing all the socks that have lost their matches over the years) and find them socks that were at least the same color.  They also needed to be able to stretch over their feet...so what if those crew socks are a few sizes too small...they just became ankle socks!  Sometimes you just have to improvise, right?

That evening, as I sat exhausted in a chair (eight months pregnant and moving into a house have been an interesting combination) I watched my daughter Joelle walk up and down the stairs and all around the house as she searched for every item of clothing and every shoe for every child.  It took about an hour.  Sure, we had put all of our shoes together in boxes.  But why was it that all we could find for Brienne was one gold flat and one black high heel?  Mental exhaustion set in as I watched her on the hunt.

A friend mentioned on Facebook this weekend that "Prayer is more effective than panic".  Not being able to find things might sound like a small thing to some but I have felt that frustrating, uncomfortable feeling more times than I care to count in the past few months.  It's one thing when it's something of your own that you have misplaced or that you put into a "convenient" place where you would be able to find it yet you forgot where that place is.  It's another thing when everyone in the family looks to you as the "all knowing" one who somehow knows precisely where every single needed item is located.  Talk about pressure. ;)

True, sometimes I am pretty good at knowing exactly where things are.

"Oh, you're looking for your Bible?  It's right over there on the top shelf."  Imagine my big grin because I was able to direct someone to the thing they needed at that moment.  But now imagine me on Sunday morning when at first all was going well as I thought that everyone had what they needed but then as the questions begin to come from my husband a sudden burst of reality hits.  In my exhaustion from a busy Saturday of cleaning, packing and moving, I had forgotten to make sure that he had all of his necessary items in place.

Where were his shoes?  I knew that they had been conveniently set on top of a box so they would not be hard to find but where was that box?!  Was it still in the van?  And his belt?  I had absolutely NO idea about that one.  Yet I'm supposed to know.  I usually take great pains to not experience this kind of thing on Sunday morning.  But each day has brought me to the point of needing to just not move, and sometimes, a day full of thinking too much wears me out too.  So much planning, coordinating, strategizing, and figuring out when to do what and where to put what...it takes a lot of brain power.  Sometimes I forget, it takes prayer too.

Instead, I let it all get to me.  I felt the frustration welling up.  I felt inconvenienced by all this need to find things.  I felt tired of it all.  Sure, there are harder trials to go through but this was mine in all of it's frustrating, agonizing glory.  I envisioned a future day when every shoe would be neatly stored in it's caddy in the closet.  I dreamed of the day when socks would go directly into their drawers...maybe even in a special shoe box on the side of the drawer so that they won't get lost in the drawer...but no, I wasn't there yet.  I was here, in a house full of boxes, trying to find something that was lost again.

Amazing how we just know we shouldn't say certain things yet it feels almost like a dam is going to break loose and sometimes we let it.

What I said was sarcastic, it was how I felt in that moment, and I should have resisted the temptation to say it and instead thanked God for how good he is to me.

"I just love my life right now."

It was spoken somewhat toward my husband as I left the room.  He heard it, God heard it and I felt the remorse immediately afterward.

So many good things are happening in my life right now!  I have so much to thank God for and I have been doing that here and there but that morning I brought a little bit of ruin into it all.  I had my focus ALL wrong.  I wanted it to be known that I was SO tired of being inconvenienced with having to stop what I am doing to find things for people or to help them find things.  I just felt like I had to make it known.  Well, I did.  And I only felt worse.

Praise God that he forgives and he helps and that my husband is a gracious man who understands what I am going through and he also forgives.  I also praise God that through it all he disciplines me as loving Father and gives me the gusto to want to be the most organized woman on the face of the earth.  I know I have a lot to learn, I know that circumstances right now would throw even the most organized of women into a tizzy but again, I am just me...with all of my personal lessons to learn.

I can't wait to have everything in it's place (at least for the most part!).  I know things will still get lost from time to time but I also know it will be less and less if I have anything to say about it.

I can't wait to share with you all of the good things that God has done in providing a home for our family but that is for another post.  For now, you can just picture me in the perfect mixture of happily unpacking more of my dishes and clothes and...more than likely, trying to find something that someone needs.  That's just the way it is right now.  God is good.  :)


Linking up for the writing prompt here: ellenstumbo.com

Bright and beautiful TEN!

Tomorrow we'll be celebrating ten years of this amazing girl's life.  The days when I thought she was a timid little girl seem like a distant memory now.  Now I see her differently.  She is bold and courageous.  She knows what she wants and she goes for it.  She is not afraid to try new things.  She often has to be reminded that there are some things that she needs to ask mom about first, you know, before she tries them.  She loves to laugh, she loves life and I love her to bits.  Sweet, spunky girl.

When she sets her heart on something it is pretty hard to budge her.  This can be a strength as well as a weakness.  How often I have encouraged her to put her trust in God, the giver of opportunities and the loving one who sometimes withholds what we want because he knows what we really need.  Yes, as a mom I often teach while learning those lessons at the same time.

I have been noticing that Brienne is a very careful observer of the people around her.  Sometimes this means picking up bad habits and trying them on for size.  It also means seeing what mom and dad think about it. We see it as another opportunity to point her to God.  "Just because someone else does that (or says that) does not mean it is right."  You see, when you've got a choice between wrong, hmmmm...maybe not so bad, and best, shouldn't you always choose best?  Especially when it comes to choosing your words?  God has certainly not left us without wisdom on that matter!

But I have also noticed her doing her best to be friendly.  She thrives on interacting with people.  She often goes with me to the laundromat and she looks out for other kids to talk and giggle with.  One time a little girl her age was there with her mom.  The mom was not interested in being friendly but this little girl was.  Our time there was a mixture of finishing up schoolwork (homework for the girl) and chatting a little.  Shortly before we left I gave Brienne a "Bridge" tract to give to her friend.  She went back to her math and waited for a good moment to give it to her.  After giving it to her, the girl said "Oh, we believe in God.  We used to walk on water."  Brienne was pretty much speechless.  :)  It was fun to talk later about good ways to respond to that...somehow I doubt that one will ever come up again but...you never know.  I pray that the Lord will give her a strong desire to make his truth known to the people he brings into her life.

The next time we went she kept trying to connect with this little girl there and it just wasn't working.  She'd say hello, smile, wave, sit somewhat near her but the girl was oblivious.  I watched Brienne with interest as I crocheted a baby blanket.  She even commented to me how she kept trying to be friendly to the girl but it just wasn't working.  Brienne wasn't being pushy or anything, she was just making herself available.  To me, that is boldness in and of itself.  She doesn't seem to worry too much about what people think.  I love that about her.  I hope she never lets the fear of rejection stop her from reaching out in love.  

My beautiful daughter.  You are sunshine in my life.

Growing pains

That little girl up there...she's a wonder.  She's beautiful, she tugs on my heartstrings and just look at the cute little things that she does...the way she put her feet up on that chair so she could set her book on her knees...Oh, goodness!  I just about melted on the spot.  She is such a delightful little girl!

But she is not only that.  She is a complex human being.  Aren't we all?  Lately, in the mornings she will seem cheerful and she asks for her "cuppy" and then when she has it in front of her, she bursts into tears as if I did not understand her request.  And maybe the problem is that she wants juice instead of milk..well, .let's just say I am trying to teach her to be content with what she has been given.  And I am trying to teach her to simply talk to me.  "Isabel, I do not understand why you are crying, tell me what you need."  

And so this very concept is being taught to the four year old and to the other children as well.  The importance of communicating our needs, our burdens and our offenses to each other.  And doing it as soon as possible.  How necessary it is to communicate well rather than jump to conclusions and wail like a toddler who cannot yet form sentences.  I just marvel that I am teaching these concepts to children of many different ages.  It must be a life long lesson.  Some adults have not grasped it yet.  I pray that my children don't wait that long.

Which brings me to another topic.  Praying for my children.  It struck me this evening as I sat quietly listening to my husband's message in the church service, that I have concerns about my children that I have not been praying over.  Thinking about them and worrying about them, yes.  But praying over them?  Not enough.  And this evening I have a few more to add to the list.  You know, we moms rarely feel like we're doing enough and I'm not trying to beat myself up about it.  I just recognize how much wisdom I need from the Lord to teach my children well and to train them in his ways.  

You know, I may have this blog and I write about all these spiritual things but the truth is, I HAVE SO MUCH TO LEARN!  Sometimes I feel inadequate and under qualified.  And can I add terrified to that list? Sometimes I am moving right along like "Yeah, I've got this mothering thing down" other times I am scared silly that I'm not doing a good enough job raising my kids.  Just ask my husband how many times I've cried over that concern.

The thing is, I don't want these concerns to be a discouragement but rather an encouragement to grow and allow God to show me what more I can give.  I cannot be superwoman, I cannot give them everything, I am far from being the "model" mother.  I just love my kids and want to give them what I can.  I want to give them what the Lord shows me I can give.  I want my heart to be open to the Lord's discipline NOT to a guilt trip.  God wants my growth not my discouragement.  I am asking him to show me areas where I can do better and honor him more with my day to day mothering.  He sees it all so clearly and he knows where the changes need to be made even better than I do.

He is bringing things to light.  I thank him and praise him for that.  I have not "arrived", not until I see my Savior face to face.  Until then, I will follow the Holy Spirit's leading and be less casual about praying for these beautiful children he has given my husband and I.  There are so many needs and I have a God who is able to meet them all.

When you're wrong and you know it

Yesterday evening at church, a small group gathered to pray.  After praying together we listened to a message my husband gave from Psalm 103.  Funny that he should speak on the steadfast love of God to a weary soul such as mine.  Love was the very thing that seemed so elusive during a long day full of struggles and tears.

The thing is, I started off well, or so I thought.  It was the children who needed to learn to love each other with their words, with their consideration of others feelings, with their attitudes and actions.  I didn't wake up expecting that the day would be so full of difficulty.  Sure, there is always some measure of it.  But it's hard when it comes in large amounts.  It's hard when the challenges overwhelm and burden.  It stretches you thin when a child comes to you again with another issue to handle.  When he did this and she did that.  When feelings are hurt and the finger is pointed to the other person.  You know, the one with the problem.  Oh, how we all feel so justified in pointing the finger at someone else!

It was sometime in the afternoon when three "little learners" (so needy of knowing God's love and showing it to others) filed in the door to report each others transgressions to their mother.  Mommy had had just about enough at this point.  Were they even trying?  Did they realize how grievous their errors were?  Had they noticed that this kind of thing was happening way too much for a mom to handle in one day?!

I hit a weak spot.  A very tender and weak spot.  So weak that I felt I had lost my ability to help, reason or process solutions.  Or at least it felt that way.  All three children were sent to separate rooms to wait.  Mommy was going to pray and there would be a lot of crying to go along with it.  I'm talking the kind of crying where your eyes are closed tight in agony and you're chest heaves and the tears pour out.  I mean the kind of crying where your heart cries out to God for help because you don't know what to do next.  It's not pleasant but it's necessary.  Because the truth is, that in our weakness he is strong.  And realizing how much we need him is always a step in the right direction.

I'm so thankful my husband was able to walk over and sit down with the kids and I.  I'm glad he was able to bring a fresh and ready mind to help in the situation.  I'm not too proud to admit that sometimes the boost, the back up and the encouragement are so very needed.  I figured, in this case, that calling him out of work wasn't too bad of an idea since he hadn't taken a lunch break yet. ;)  And he was glad to come and he spoke and they listened and I prayed that it would all sink in.

But, honestly, I still had myself to deal with.  The whole thing put me in a sour mood and it wasn't until shortly before the aforementioned prayer meeting that I began to realize just how grumpy I was.  Sure, I felt I had every right to be with the way things were going.  But wait...  what about the whole reason this ordeal started?  What about the need to love others, to forgive, to show mercy and grace?  I had been trying to get it through to my kids with words but where was my example?  I thought of how I spent the day just plowing through, doing what needed to be done but with tired and frustrated expressions on my face.  I just wanted the day to be finished.  I couldn't wait for quiet time to be alone with no problems to solve or sin to correct.  And now I was beginning to see my own.  It's not a pleasant feeling to be getting ready for church, mentally making the effort to set your problems aside so you can...love others.  Was I more concerned about loving and encouraging my fellow believers than I had been for my children all day long?  It was a stunning realization.

All through the service a thought lingered in my mind.  I knew that as soon as I was "home" with the kids that I would gather them all close and ask their forgiveness.  I had failed to love them in a godly way.  I had failed to do the very thing I had told them they ought to be doing.  I had not truly loved them.

After the service, and after everyone but our family had left to go home, the children and I waited for my husband to lock up the doors.  It was dark outside and they were happily playing in the grass.  All the day's cares seemed to have been forgotten but I knew better.  I know that people can act like they're just fine even when they're hurting.  I know that grumpy, irritated expressions and actions can leave their mark.  I cannot erase those marks completely but by God's grace I can smudge the lines.  By God's grace there can be healing, restoration and forgiveness.

As I sat on the bench in front of the church, I decided that I didn't want to let any more time pass before my children knew my heart.  I called them to come close and expressed my sorrow and regret over a day that was made to be more difficult because of my attitude.  I took ownership of the fact that I had failed to love them as I should and as God wants me to.  And I hugged them tight all together in one big circle.  And you probably won't be surprised when I tell you that they were so willing to forgive and to smile and hug me back.  Children are usually very good at that sort of thing, aren't they?  It often makes a mother's heart melt.

And though I know that my love for them will never be perfect, I never want to presume upon their willingness to forgive.  It requires prayer, resolve, effort, and finding my strength in God to love these little people in those very difficult moments.

Lord, help me to love as beautifully and as completely as you do.  May my children see that your steadfast love is so powerful that it has made a deep impression in my heart, affecting the way I live in each and every moment you give me.  When I feel weak, help me to remember to turn to you quickly.  Help me to remember your steadfast love, how much it means to me and how important it is for me to be a reflection of that love in every thought, word and action.  I thank you that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  

What's big sis up to?

Our transition into a structured day of homeschooling has actually gone quite well.  It seems that every one or two years our family life changes a bit and we have to make adjustments.  One wonderful change this year has been to spread out my kids into different rooms so there is minimal distraction and we get more accomplished in less time.  It is working out great and I hope to continue the pattern when we move into our home.

I work with Clara, my first-grader, first thing in the morning and it has worked well to bring Isabel and Manny with us into the playroom to color or play while I teach Clara her lessons.  While we are tucked away in there, my other children are busy about accomplishing all of the work that they can do on their own, in the various rooms I have assigned them to

.  

This morning, as the morning work was almost finished and it was time for the kids to get dressed to go outside and play (yes, sometimes we do school in our pajamas), Isabel followed me into the main room to see what her big sisters were up to...

Brienne likes to get creative and do things that are out of the ordinary.  That is why instead of sitting at the table in a chair, she would rather sit on an ottoman in front of a piano bench.  ;)  

Of course, she was happy to have Isabel join her and to pull out some stickers just for fun.

Sisters.  So sweet.

I love to watch them together...it brings my heart such joy.

Don't apologize for the mess

Life lately is quite the crazy adventure.  Yesterday afternoon, there were big plans to lug four loads of laundry to the laundromat.  These plans were hindered by the exciting conversation Amera and I were having concerning our schedule for the new school year.  Some of the first things to figure out were: what time to get up? who showers when? (with one shower) and when to have personal and family time in the Bible?  Things are definitely going to be more structured in the coming days.  To be honest, in many ways I long for that.

So Amera and I were bouncing ideas off of each other and trying to get all this daily life stuff figured out.  She has all of these great ideas and plans to teach her siblings the Bible every other week.  I am so excited to give her a chance to implement them!  I am also excited to teach them more regularly than I have been lately.  So many plans to get excited about!  So, anyway, it was getting later in the afternoon and...remember those four loads of laundry?  Well I was just about to get up and go when my husband comes bursting in the door saying "Marisha, we need to go look at a house!"  So I jumped up, grabbed what I needed and headed out the door.  It was not the first time and it won't be the last.  It's exciting, it's disappointing...it's an all around adventure.  The search for our home continues.

No matter where we make our cozy abode, life will be happening.  Real life.  Life that sometimes gets messy.  Life that we don't always have time to keep up with.  Life that doesn't feel "normal".  Oh sure, schedules are good and all but I know all too well that some days they will completely fall apart.  Life will happen.  The unexpected will come up.  We will have to do our best to be flexible, go with the flow and just do our best.

I finally made it to the laundromat.  I took three children to help me and we finished just in time to rush home and heat up leftovers for dinner.  After dinner I had to run to the store to get diapers and school supplies for next week.  It was my first time driving to Target alone.  By the time I left it was after 10pm, it was dark out so things looked different and I had to try and remember how to get back home.  I didn't have a phone with me or I would have just called Javier for directions.  Thankfully, I recognized many of the street names from driving around looking at houses and I was able to find my way eventually.  All of this made for a late evening without much getting done on the home front.  All that to say, today the saga continued as late nights make for late mornings.

There are things around here that don't always get cleaned up or put away right away.  I cannot always put life on hold for that.  I'd like to say that I live in a spotless and mess-free environment but it's far from the truth.  I don't like messes and I spend a lot of time eradicating them.  But I am learning that sometimes they just have to wait.  More important things are happening.  Like the sweet morning I enjoyed just smiling and loving on my kids as we ate our breakfast cereal.  Like the excitement of showing Manny the new flashcards I got for him last night.  We enjoyed going through those.  It didn't take place in an immaculate home that looks like something out of Better Homes and Gardens either.  It looked more like this...

See, I could have fooled you a little bit and only shown you the first picture.  But, this was my morning.  I should have taken the photo with all my sweet children smiling around the table...yeah, that would've been better and then you'd understand why I let the mess wait a bit.  ;)  

You know, on a little side note, it's times like these that I usually receive unexpected visitors.  There are times (although probably rare!) when everything is neat, tidy and orderly but does anyone unexpected come over then?  Of course not!  

A sweet friend came over today to see if I needed anything from the store.  The kids and I hadn't started the "clean up party" just yet and I resisted the temptation to apologize for things being a bit messy.  It is a powerful urge because everything in me wants to say "Please don't think that I am comfortable with crumbs on the floor.  Really, ants are not my friends.  I was actually just about to clean up in here."  But I've learned it's better to just not mention it.  Better to just focus on being a friend and ignore it while they are there.  I was happy to have the time to visit with her and not make it an issue.  I had already resolved in my heart about a year ago that I would never again apologize for the messes our sweet life produces.  They happen, they are normal, and they can't always be cleaned up right away.  Sometimes people take precedence...especially little people.  :)

I'll leave you with a few sweet photos of Isabel and Clara from this morning.  Isabel calls Clara "Kah" and she was doling out the kisses and the cheesy smiles.

There is so much to love about being a mom to these precious little ones.  Sometimes the cleaning just needs to wait a little.  It'll always be there anyway.  These amazing children, however, are growing up fast!

Choosing trust over doubt

Sometimes even the smallest of children can seem to be so trusting of the parents that care for them but I have found that is not always the case.  Honestly, sometimes they can get pretty upset when they begin to doubt that we understand what they need.  Add to that learning to speak the same language and you have some pretty intense moments at times.  

Isabel knows how to ask for the everyday essentials.  She also repeats herself over and over again for emphasis.  "Cuppy, cuppy, cuppy" almost always gets her a refreshing cup of milk, juice or water.  "Pacy" and "blankee" are usually always close by and happily given when she asks for them.  "Help me, help me, help me" alerts us that she needs assistance with something.  She knows that we love her and that we are usually attentive to her needs.  But sometimes she doubts.  She begins to doubt when we do not hear her right away, or maybe we are not able to meet her request at that very moment.  And sometimes, she panics.  She begins to cry and ask louder.  And sometimes, depending upon the situation and what she needs, we will rush to get it for her.  Other times, we discern that she has a lesson to learn and needs some discipline.

I have felt compassion for her when she is sitting in her car seat and I just don't have that cupful of refreshment she's longing for.  It is then that she is learning to wait and be patient.  I assure her of my love and also assure that as soon as we get to where we are going, she will have what she needs.  Sometimes this helps and sometimes she just wails even louder.

Have you ever noticed that when you are right in the thick of facing the daunting details of a mostly unknown future that it is the hardest to trust, to be assured of God's love and, for goodness sake, not to panic?  How many times in the past have I sat in quiet solitude, reflecting on the goodness and greatness of God and putting those thoughts into words on this blog, and yet...I feel afraid of all those little details that I can't control?

This living in a new state, a very expensive state to live in I might add (except for the avocados!)...this waiting for a house to sell and looking for a house to buy...this finding new doctors and expecting a new baby...doctor bills, property taxes, shoes getting too small for growing feet, and then add to that all the things I know I'll need, the things that I just might need and what else haven't I thought of?!  It can get overwhelming and leaves me with a choice to make.

The natural tendency for many of us is to sit and stew with worry.  To be paralyzed with fear.  To fear that maybe it just won't work out like we thought it would before we were in the thick of it.  

And sadly, we begin to doubt God.  It can happen to all of us.  Even those very strong in faith can have their moments of weakness.  We, like small children, often have our moments when we panic about the circumstances and the longer we have to wait, the louder we wail.  It may only be going on inside of us but our spirit is not at peace and it is not at rest in God.  

This rest doesn't come from knowing exactly how things are going to turn out, it comes from a quiet trust in the God who made us, loves us, and redeemed us from the darkest of pits.  I have often found so much comfort in simply thinking about my God and reading his Word, in which he tells me about himself.  I see his righteous and holy character.  I see his power and his might.  I see his love and compassion.  His perfect plan which cannot be thwarted or hindered being carried out through the ages.  

God is not like us parents.  He is never dull of hearing or not paying attention.  He is never unable to meet our needs and even some of our wants.  He is fully capable of accomplishing all his holy will in our lives.  If he is withholding from us, it may be because we need some discipline, it may be that we need to grow and mature.  We may need to learn what he knows is necessary for us to learn.  It's easy to get irritated with that at times, almost as if to say "Enough already!  Can we be done with the lessons and can I just get what I want?!" 

Let me tell you, I've been there.  I could liken my internal response to that of a toddler throwing a little tantrum.  So focused on what I want and not on what is best for me.  You know who knows what is best?  God does.  Will you join me in choosing to trust him?

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by 

the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."  

Romans 15:13

     

What is hospitality anyway?

"The model for entertaining is found in the slick pages of women's magazines with their 

appealing pictures of foods and rooms.  The model for hospitality is found in the Word of God."

~Karen Mains

I've had my share of struggles with feeling like my home was less than.  At times, I have had my share of excuses for not having people into our home.  When my husband was a college student and we were a growing family on a tight budget, we didn't have the means to fix a bathroom with peeling paint and I won't mention what else needed to be done to that poor bathroom...

I have had the glasses that used to be jars of jelly or pasta sauce and later they graced our table.  I have endured the carpet that was never (ever!) quite what I wanted it to be and replacing that was not an option for us either.  

I realize now, how sad it is that I let things like that get in the way of reaching out to others in my church, neighborhood and community.  Of course, I had other good excuses.  Like how busy we were, and how desperate we were for family time with my husband's crazy full time student/full time employee schedule.  There was a time were I could somewhat comfortably avoid the issue.  But God was working in my heart all along.  

We began to have people over here and there.  When we had a very small dining table and couldn't seat all of our company, I sat with a couple of ladies on our living room floor with our plates on the small table in front of us.  I enjoyed their company.  It wasn't exactly fine dining but it was togetherness.

I have things that stand out in my mind as a little discouraging.  Like the time when we had a large group of college students over and somehow, it bothered one young man that I didn't have enough chairs to seat them all.  He even made a comment about it to me as he was entering the front door.  It would have taken the wind out of my sails if I had let it.  But I just smiled and said "Well, we're doin' the best we can.  Come on in and join us!"  That evening ended up being an encouraging and edifying time together.  And yes, many of us sat on the floor. ;)

God has helped me to see that people are more important than the things that we have.  I never want to lose that focus.  Whatever the Lord has given me is something that I can use to honor and obey him by reaching out to those around me.

I know I've been sharing what I read a lot.  I hope you don't mind.  What I want to share with you today resonated with me so much that I said a hearty "Amen!" out loud.  Do you ever do that when you read something great?  Well, here is a passage from the book "Open Heart, Open Home" by Karen Mains.  The topic is "ENTERTAINING VS. HOSPITALITY."

... .. ... .. ...

"For most Christians, taking in anyone in need, even one's own family, is a radical step.  Many who say they follow Christ have no comprehension of the basics of hospitality.  We have allowed the world to squeeze us into its mold.  We think in terms of entertaining as a woman's chance to demonstrate her skill and the quality of her home.  Entertaining has little to do with real hospitality.

Secular entertaining is a terrible bondage.  Its source is human pride.  Demanding perfection, fostering the urge to impress, it is a rigorous taskmaster that enslaves.  In contrast, scriptural hospitality is a freedom that liberates.

Entertaining says, "I want to impress you with my beautiful home, my clever decorating, my gourmet cooking."  Hospitality, however, seeks to minister.  It says, "This home is not mine.  It is truly a gift from my Master.  I am his servant, and I use it as he desires."  Hospitality does not try to impress but to serve.

Entertaining always puts things before people.  "As soon as I get the house finished, the living room decorated, my place settings complete, my housework done--then I will start having people in."  "The So-and-so's are coming.  I must buy that new such-and-such before they come."  Hospitality, however, puts people before things.  "We have no furniture; we'll eat on the floor."  "The decorating may never get done.  Please come just the same."  "The house is a mess, but these people are friends.  We never get to see them.  Let's have this time together anyway."

Because we are afraid to allow people to see us as we really are, we welcome the false ideal of entertaining.  To perpetuate the illusion we must pretend we love housework, we never put our hair in rollers, our children are so well disciplined that they always pick up their toys.  We must hint broadly that we manage our busy lives without difficulty.  Working hard to keep people from recognizing our weak points, we also prevent them from loving us in our weaknesses.

Because hospitality has put away its pride, it doesn't care if other people see our humanness.  Because we are maintaining no false pretensions, people relax and feel that perhaps we can be friends.  

Entertaining subtly declares, "This is mine--these rooms, these adornments.  This is an expression of my personality.  It is an extension of who and what I am.  Look, please, and admire."  Hospitality whispers, "What is mine is yours."  Here is the secret of community that is all but lost to the church of today.  "And all who believed were together and had all things in common" (Acts 2:44).  The hospitality of that first-century church clearly said, "What's mine is yours."

Entertainment looks for a payment--the words "My, isn't she a remarkable hostess"; a return dinner invitation; a job advancement for self or spouse; esteem in the eyes of friends and neighbors.  Hospitality does everything with no thought of reward but takes pleasure in the joy of giving, doing, loving, and serving."

... .. ... .. ...

You know, since we have been living in our "temporary home" we have used up a ton of paper products.  It's what we are using on a daily basis and it's what we use to serve our guests.  There's something relaxing about it.  I mean, what concern can you really have about impressing anyone when you are serving on paper?  It's been fun and it helps me to realize, yet again, how little things like that really matter.  Our focus has been on people.  Getting to know them, spending time with them and really just sharing our lives in the time that we have together.

Whether we have a little or a lot, our focus should be on souls, not our stuff or the stuff we wish we could have.  What wonderful things could God just be waiting to do through you if you would just open up your home to others?  How long has it been?  What is holding you back?  Stained carpet, lack of space?  Don't let those things hinder you from serving God.  Reach out to others with what you have.  The greatest gift you can impart is the not the dinnerware or the impressive decorating.  No, it is not some thing that money can buy, it is a heart that is inclined to love others in the same wonderful way that God has loved you.  What better way to love and show that you genuinely care for someone than to invite them into your home with an open heart?

"Show hospitality to one another without grumbling."  1 Peter 4:9

"Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality."  Romans 12:13