So much to learn

As a new believer, I remember how panicked I felt when I thought of teaching my children the Bible.  I looked around me and saw other parents who had grown up in the faith and I felt tremendously inadequate.  These parents knew the Old Testament accounts.  They could probably tell them in their sleep!  I knew nothing!  I wondered how I was going to teach my children from such an empty well of knowledge.

It wasn't long before I realized that I would need to learn and then teach.  And not only that, sometimes I would learn right along with them.  It still happens even today.  There is so much that I am learning and so much I have yet to learn.  Yes, I am a mother of eight.  Yes, I am a pastor's wife.  But I am still learning.  Every.single.day.

Not all learning is filling your head with knowledge, although that is part of it.  Much of what we need to learn is in the lived out moments that we experience every day.  Sometimes we feel a measure of success as we evaluate our progress in living out our faith.  I have written many times about such things here on this blog.  But there is also the very real, nitty gritty, hard stuff that we don't really like to talk about.  The areas where we know we lack yet we feel as though we should be beyond it by now.  But you know what?  There is grace.  I am so thankful for grace when it comes to my shortcomings.  Without it, I would be completely undone.

You see, when I read in John 13 of my Lord Jesus tying a towel around his waist to wash the dirty feet of those who would forsake, deny and betray...I see my shortcomings bold and plain.  What kind of servant am I, if I love only those who love me?  What kind of servant am I, if I pick and choose whom I will be gracious to and purposefully avoid some?  What kind of servant am I, if I do not freely give as even I have been freely given to?  I am keenly aware of my need to grow as a servant.  Not only to be like my Lord but I am also learning from the example of others in the family of God.

Can I tell you what this family has shown me?  I have seen people who are very concerned about what needs there are and they seek to meet them with the resources that God has provided.  People who take time out of their personal schedule to help someone else.  People who are inconvenienced so that someone else can benefit.  I have seen sacrifices of time, money, and the choice to love in difficult situations.  I have been blessed to the point of tears by how loving and caring this church family is.

And you know what?  They are teaching me too.  How can a person not be taught by someone who offers to help and is willing to do whatever they can with the hands and the strength that God has given them?  How can a person not be taught by someone who drops by to bring you something special and brighten your day?  How can you not be taught by a mom who is very busy with her own kids yet she brings you a meal?  How can you not be taught something of the precious beauty of sacrificial giving when a woman places a gift in your pocket and tears are in her eyes.  And it's not long before tears well up in yours because you know that it is the Spirit of God that prompts such giving.  And in every instance it is the hands being used of God to reach out to someone else.  To meet needs, to bless, and as I am realizing, to teach.

Have you ever learned from the example of someone else?  How is your life teaching others to be more like Jesus?

I could have done better at that // My life as it is

"Everything about which we are tempted to complain may be the very instrument whereby the Potter intends to shape his clay into the image of his Son..."  --from "Keep a Quiet Heart" by Elisabeth Elliot

Simply overwhelmed...
You know, even in the midst of all that needs to be done, it is refreshing to sit down and collect my thoughts and write about the way things are.  You might read this and think that I ought to be unpacking boxes instead of writing about how overwhelmed I feel.  But, please understand, the thinking through, the writing and the sharing simply helps.  It helps a great deal.  And I hope that the reality of the struggles I face will encourage you in yours.  Because whose life is perfect anyway?  So here it is...my life lately...

Sometimes it just feels like there is too much happening and too much that needs to be accomplished.  This overwhelmed feeling has become very familiar to me, especially in the past year or so.  There are many new things in my life and I have been through some big changes.  For one, I live in a new state.  We moved from one side of the continent to the other.  And I don't even have my official state driver's license yet because I failed the written test twice.  The rule at the DMV is three strikes and you're out so after failing twice, I decided to pick my jaw up off of the floor and take home the book to study out all of the particulars of driving in California rather than pay the fee again.  I was so shocked that I didn't pass!  That's what I get for my over- confidence.  I thought, why would I need to study for something I've been doing for over eighteen years?!  Well, obviously I thought wrong.  It's time to study that book because my temporary license will expire soon.

Things don't always go as smoothly as I'd like...
My tendency to be laid back and take a calm approach is sometimes helpful but other times it can result in my not being as prepared as I thought I was.  Like the morning of my C-section when we went to the wrong hospital.  Can I just say, this was my eighth baby and I don't think I have ever gone on a hospital tour before delivery.  My mentality has always been "I'll show up and I'll be told where to go".  Simple, right?  Well, not so simple when on the morning of your scheduled surgery you go to the wrong hospital!  In our defense, we went to the one they told us to go to at the Pre-Op appointment.  But here's the thing: both hospitals have the same word in their name.  Thankfully, they are pretty close to each other so we were still able to make it on time.  But I knew I was in trouble when the lady behind the desk at the first hospital had no record of me and asked if I went to a Pre-Op appointment.  She also told me that she had noticed that I was pregnant but she didn't want to outright ask me when I walked in.  Her words..."You're in the wrong place..."  were pretty hard for me to take.  She also said, "I'll call them and tell them you're on your way."  I could have done without that as well.  I was already embarrassed enough.  It all turned out well in the end but I felt pretty bad about getting the hospitals mixed up on such an important day of my life.  Please don't get the wrong idea about me, I rather like having all my ducks in a row, being prepared and knowing what I am doing.  But that was not my day to shine.

My life as it is...
Honestly, I haven't felt very "shiny" lately.  Life has felt dulled by the constant presence of cardboard boxes and bags of things I want to donate.  I have felt like a woman scrambling, hurrying, over-exerting, and multi-plate spinning.  I have felt like I never have enough time to accomplish what I need to do.  There have been peaks where I really gain some traction and bring a task to completion (man, that's a good feeling!) but there have been so many valleys where I just don't know where to start.  Times where I have just sat there and prayed because I feel like I am spinning my wheels and getting nowhere.  "Where do I begin, Lord?...help me!"  It seems that not long after I sort through umpteen boxes of clothing that each room gets slammed with more laundry.  Because it doesn't stop needing to be washed, dried and folded when you're moving in to a house.  Oh, and let's not forget the putting away part.  ;)

Most of the conversations my husband and I have had lately consist of relaying to each other what we plan to accomplish that day.  And he has a job to do that requires a lot of him and he's been coming home in the evenings to work on the house.  I told him that I don't know how he is doing it and of course his response was "By God's grace..."

And I am homeschooling and recovering from surgery and getting adjusted to a caring for a newborn again and just longing for everything to be in it's place.  It really starts to get to me.  I didn't realize how just how much until a few mornings ago when I sat alone with my husband and began the attempt to articulate the way I feel lately.

You don't know how many times I have just wished I could snap my fingers and have everything put away.  I do consider a job well done very rewarding and it's not that I am against hard work.  But it seems that so much has to come together for me to be able to dig into a task.  My children must be fed, taken care of, occupied (hopefully there is a job I can give them) and not only that, I must have the energy and motivation to tackle the project.  Please hear me, I am not complaining.  This is just what I am going through.

I really am doing the best I can...
So there I was with my husband.  Telling him all.  Telling him that I really feel like I should be moved in by now.  For one thing people who come over are still seeing boxes and things out of place and how long ago did we start moving in?!!

"Marisha, stop worrying about what other people think, just focus on doing your best for God."

And my tears came.  And I realized that some pressure to get things done is good, but sometimes we put undue pressure on ourselves and our souls just need to be at rest.  To start each day with a desire to honor God with the work of our hands and to do what we can but we cannot do it all.  Because life is happening and there are things that you and I are going through.  For me, a new life in a new place with a new baby.  And all of these new things come with new challenges, like the dishwasher that overflowed with water onto our kitchen floor this morning.  Later on the phone, my husband and I had a hearty laugh about the whole ordeal, AFTER THE FACT.  But when things like that happen you always feel like it's the LAST thing you needed at that moment.  It was upsetting and I nearly slipped and fell when I was sopping up the water with towels.  So we are getting to know this house with all of its quirks and making decisions about what we need to fix and when.  Sometimes I minimize how big these changes in my life really are.  But I'm realizing that sometimes they are big to me.  But I know that my God is bigger and I will grow through this and he is with me through it all, giving me grace and strength to carry on.

So with the challenges I am facing, I do feel weak.  I feel the dullness of the daily grind of unpacking more boxes in the midst of all of my other responsibilities.   I feel the pressure of the things that need doing and fixing.  But here is the thing.  I cannot let it consume me.  I cannot keep putting off important things because of all of this work that needs to be done.  We still have people over, though things aren't picture perfect right now.  And I still need to have fun with my family and not feel guilty because there is work that still needs to be accomplished.  It's always there!

I put it off for too long...
Last week I gave up telling myself the story that as soon as I sat down and made an "official" schedule that I would begin my "Bible Time" with the kids in the mornings.  Why is it that when I am in "survival mode" that I think we can survive by dropping that from our daily schedule?!  It goes against everything I know to be true and right but I confess I did it anyway.  I figured that our after-dinner time with dad would be enough.  It takes some energy and the wherewithal to teach a group of energetic kids a Bible lesson so I put it on hold for a while.  Until this past week when I thought "What am I waiting for?!" and I pulled out the book we were using and told them that TODAY we were going to have Bible Time.  They actually got excited about it, they cheered, and I think I even heard a couple of them shout "YAY!".  And I just felt rebuked that I had put it off for so long.  But it's just the way that my brain works sometimes.  I think "First this and then that."  Sometimes it's a good thing because I am trying to prioritize and keep my sanity.  But in this case I don't think I was prioritizing so well.  We were basically getting by but I know I could have done better.  Isn't it a wonderful thing that we as parents have so much capacity to teach our children about God?!  It is such a privilege that I have neglected far too often, to my shame.

My husband's exciting project...
The extra projects we have been doing have certainly added to our workload.  And add to that the things that need fixing and installing.  We STILL have a few of those things on our list of things to do.  But even though those extra projects have slowed things down a bit, I wouldn't trade every boxed unpacked for the sight of my husband's enthusiasm and excitement over the butcher block counter top he has been putting together out in the garage.  It's been a long while since I have seen him get excited over a project and the light in his eyes as he plans and carries out his ideas is priceless.  I can't wait until  we can enjoy using it and have a little more counter space.  :)

So much I look forward to...yet enjoying life as it is...
There is so much that I want to do.  Not only in this house but outside of it as well.  Coffee dates, Bible studies, trips to the park and all of that!  There are things that will definitely make their way into our schedule eventually but I simply cannot put them there yet.  I just have to do the best I can to honor God with the hours that he gives me.  And lately that mostly consists of feeding, burping, changing and loving on our sweet baby boy and trying to take the time to show all of the others that I still have enough love for them too.  That shows itself in different ways.  The other night I enjoyed just sitting on the couch in our family room and laughing, recounting stories we've heard, movies we've seen, memories that meant something and Javi's hilarious retelling of Goldilocks and the Three Bears.  He kept tacking on "...and she KNEW she wasn't supposed to do that!"  He had us all cracking up.  These are just simple moments of being together.  Nothing flashy or earth shattering.  Just us, together.  Sometimes you just gotta keep it simple and enjoy life as it is.

It starts with you

[the boys at the Yuba-Sutter Fair this past summer]

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.

1 Corinthians 9:24-27

You've probably seen it before in the cartoons or movies.  There is a race and someone in the race is not playing by the rules.  They do whatever they possibly can to slow the other contestant down and cause them to lose.  They don't play fair because all they care about is coming out on top.

I read a message from C.H. Spurgeon this morning.  It was delivered in June of 1858.  And what a fitting location!  The Grand Stand, Epsom Race-Course.  The message was entitled "The Heavenly Race".  It was based on 1 Corinthians 9:24.

In his message he talks about things that hinder us and even prevent us from truly running in the "race" in this life.  I wanted to share one of those things here because I think it is something that many of us are prone to do.  Maybe we don't do it habitually but every once in a while it may rear it's ugly head.

If we find that we are often very busy about focusing on the faults of others and not doing our own personal business with the Lord, we should be concerned.  If we find that as we sit listening to a message from God's Word we are hoping that so and so is listening, we should redirect our focus.  We would do well to consider ourselves whenever we consider the powerful, transforming Word of God.  We need it.  We, ourselves, need to hear it.  And heeding it will spur us on to greater rewards than the temporary satisfaction of trampling someone else underfoot.

Here is that quote from Spurgeon...

"There is also another thing that will prevent man's running the race. We have known people who stopped on their way to kick their fellows. Such things sometimes occur in a race. The horse, instead of speeding onwards to the mark, is of an angry disposition, and sets about kicking those that are running beside him—there is not much probability of his coming in first. 

'Now they that run in a race run all, but one receiveth the prize.'

There is one however who never gets it, and that is the man who always attends to his fellow-creatures instead of himself. It is a mysterious thing that I never yet saw a man with a hoe on his shoulder, going to hoe his neighbour's garden, it is a rarity to see a farmer sending his team of horses to plough his neighbour's land; but it is a most singular thing that every day in the week I meet with persons who are attending to other people's character. If they go to the house of God and hear a trite thing said, they say at once "How suitable that was for Mrs. Smith and Mrs. Brown?" The thought never enters their head, how suitable it was to themselves. They lend their ears to everybody else, but they do not hear for themselves. When they get out of chapel, perhaps as they walk home, their first thought is, "Well, how can I find fault with my neighbors?" They think that putting other people down is going up themselves (there never was a greater mistake); that by picking holes in their neighbour's coat they mend their own They have so few virtues of their own that they do not like anybody else to have any therefore they do the best they can to despoil everything good in their neighbor; and it there be a little fault, they will look at it through a magnifying glass, but they will turn the glass the other way when they look at their own sins. 

Their own faults become exceedingly small while those of others become magnificently great. 

Now this is a fault not only among professing religious men, but among those who are not religious. We are all so prone to find fault with other people instead of attending to our own home affairs. We attend to the vineyards of others, but our own vineyard we have not kept. Ask a worldly man why he is not religious, and he tells you "Because so-and-so makes a profession of religion and is not consistent." Pray is that any business of yours? To your own Master you must stand or fall, and so must he; God is their judge, and not you. Suppose there are a great many inconsistent Christians—and we are compelled to acknowledge that there are—so much the more reason why you should be a good one. Suppose there are a great many who deceive others; so much the more reason you should set the world an example of what a genuine Christian is. "Ah! but," you say, "I am afraid there are very few." Then why don't you make one? But after all, is that your business? Must not every man bear his own burden? 

You will not be judged for other men's sins, you will not be saved by their faith, you will not be condemned for their unbelief. 

Every man must stand in his own proper flesh and blood at the bar of God, to account for the works done in his own body, whether they have been good or whether they have been evil. 

It will be of little avail for you to say at the day of judgment, "O Lord, I was looking at my neighbors; O Lord, I was finding fault with the people in the village; I was correcting their follies." But thus saith the Lord: "Did I ever commission thee to be a judge or a divider over them? Why, if thou hadst so much time to spare, and so much critical judgment, didst thou not exercise it upon thyself? Why didst thou not examine thyself, so that thou mightest have been found ready and acceptable in the day of God?" These persons are not very likely to win the race, because they turn to kicking others."

.........................................................

Spurgeon is right.  Those who don't know Christ (that used to be me) will elevate themselves by finding fault with others and considering themselves far better than certain people.  They will think they are good people because they don't do some detestable thing they see another doing.  The problem is that they have never truly seen themselves as God does.  His is the standard we should judge ourselves by.  The same thing goes for Christians.  Stop looking around you at all the things that others aren't getting right.  Focus first and foremost on your relationship and walk with God.  Is your life pleasing to him?  What do you need to change to honor him more?  It starts with you.

When you're wrong and you know it

Yesterday evening at church, a small group gathered to pray.  After praying together we listened to a message my husband gave from Psalm 103.  Funny that he should speak on the steadfast love of God to a weary soul such as mine.  Love was the very thing that seemed so elusive during a long day full of struggles and tears.

The thing is, I started off well, or so I thought.  It was the children who needed to learn to love each other with their words, with their consideration of others feelings, with their attitudes and actions.  I didn't wake up expecting that the day would be so full of difficulty.  Sure, there is always some measure of it.  But it's hard when it comes in large amounts.  It's hard when the challenges overwhelm and burden.  It stretches you thin when a child comes to you again with another issue to handle.  When he did this and she did that.  When feelings are hurt and the finger is pointed to the other person.  You know, the one with the problem.  Oh, how we all feel so justified in pointing the finger at someone else!

It was sometime in the afternoon when three "little learners" (so needy of knowing God's love and showing it to others) filed in the door to report each others transgressions to their mother.  Mommy had had just about enough at this point.  Were they even trying?  Did they realize how grievous their errors were?  Had they noticed that this kind of thing was happening way too much for a mom to handle in one day?!

I hit a weak spot.  A very tender and weak spot.  So weak that I felt I had lost my ability to help, reason or process solutions.  Or at least it felt that way.  All three children were sent to separate rooms to wait.  Mommy was going to pray and there would be a lot of crying to go along with it.  I'm talking the kind of crying where your eyes are closed tight in agony and you're chest heaves and the tears pour out.  I mean the kind of crying where your heart cries out to God for help because you don't know what to do next.  It's not pleasant but it's necessary.  Because the truth is, that in our weakness he is strong.  And realizing how much we need him is always a step in the right direction.

I'm so thankful my husband was able to walk over and sit down with the kids and I.  I'm glad he was able to bring a fresh and ready mind to help in the situation.  I'm not too proud to admit that sometimes the boost, the back up and the encouragement are so very needed.  I figured, in this case, that calling him out of work wasn't too bad of an idea since he hadn't taken a lunch break yet. ;)  And he was glad to come and he spoke and they listened and I prayed that it would all sink in.

But, honestly, I still had myself to deal with.  The whole thing put me in a sour mood and it wasn't until shortly before the aforementioned prayer meeting that I began to realize just how grumpy I was.  Sure, I felt I had every right to be with the way things were going.  But wait...  what about the whole reason this ordeal started?  What about the need to love others, to forgive, to show mercy and grace?  I had been trying to get it through to my kids with words but where was my example?  I thought of how I spent the day just plowing through, doing what needed to be done but with tired and frustrated expressions on my face.  I just wanted the day to be finished.  I couldn't wait for quiet time to be alone with no problems to solve or sin to correct.  And now I was beginning to see my own.  It's not a pleasant feeling to be getting ready for church, mentally making the effort to set your problems aside so you can...love others.  Was I more concerned about loving and encouraging my fellow believers than I had been for my children all day long?  It was a stunning realization.

All through the service a thought lingered in my mind.  I knew that as soon as I was "home" with the kids that I would gather them all close and ask their forgiveness.  I had failed to love them in a godly way.  I had failed to do the very thing I had told them they ought to be doing.  I had not truly loved them.

After the service, and after everyone but our family had left to go home, the children and I waited for my husband to lock up the doors.  It was dark outside and they were happily playing in the grass.  All the day's cares seemed to have been forgotten but I knew better.  I know that people can act like they're just fine even when they're hurting.  I know that grumpy, irritated expressions and actions can leave their mark.  I cannot erase those marks completely but by God's grace I can smudge the lines.  By God's grace there can be healing, restoration and forgiveness.

As I sat on the bench in front of the church, I decided that I didn't want to let any more time pass before my children knew my heart.  I called them to come close and expressed my sorrow and regret over a day that was made to be more difficult because of my attitude.  I took ownership of the fact that I had failed to love them as I should and as God wants me to.  And I hugged them tight all together in one big circle.  And you probably won't be surprised when I tell you that they were so willing to forgive and to smile and hug me back.  Children are usually very good at that sort of thing, aren't they?  It often makes a mother's heart melt.

And though I know that my love for them will never be perfect, I never want to presume upon their willingness to forgive.  It requires prayer, resolve, effort, and finding my strength in God to love these little people in those very difficult moments.

Lord, help me to love as beautifully and as completely as you do.  May my children see that your steadfast love is so powerful that it has made a deep impression in my heart, affecting the way I live in each and every moment you give me.  When I feel weak, help me to remember to turn to you quickly.  Help me to remember your steadfast love, how much it means to me and how important it is for me to be a reflection of that love in every thought, word and action.  I thank you that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  

Don't apologize for the mess

Life lately is quite the crazy adventure.  Yesterday afternoon, there were big plans to lug four loads of laundry to the laundromat.  These plans were hindered by the exciting conversation Amera and I were having concerning our schedule for the new school year.  Some of the first things to figure out were: what time to get up? who showers when? (with one shower) and when to have personal and family time in the Bible?  Things are definitely going to be more structured in the coming days.  To be honest, in many ways I long for that.

So Amera and I were bouncing ideas off of each other and trying to get all this daily life stuff figured out.  She has all of these great ideas and plans to teach her siblings the Bible every other week.  I am so excited to give her a chance to implement them!  I am also excited to teach them more regularly than I have been lately.  So many plans to get excited about!  So, anyway, it was getting later in the afternoon and...remember those four loads of laundry?  Well I was just about to get up and go when my husband comes bursting in the door saying "Marisha, we need to go look at a house!"  So I jumped up, grabbed what I needed and headed out the door.  It was not the first time and it won't be the last.  It's exciting, it's disappointing...it's an all around adventure.  The search for our home continues.

No matter where we make our cozy abode, life will be happening.  Real life.  Life that sometimes gets messy.  Life that we don't always have time to keep up with.  Life that doesn't feel "normal".  Oh sure, schedules are good and all but I know all too well that some days they will completely fall apart.  Life will happen.  The unexpected will come up.  We will have to do our best to be flexible, go with the flow and just do our best.

I finally made it to the laundromat.  I took three children to help me and we finished just in time to rush home and heat up leftovers for dinner.  After dinner I had to run to the store to get diapers and school supplies for next week.  It was my first time driving to Target alone.  By the time I left it was after 10pm, it was dark out so things looked different and I had to try and remember how to get back home.  I didn't have a phone with me or I would have just called Javier for directions.  Thankfully, I recognized many of the street names from driving around looking at houses and I was able to find my way eventually.  All of this made for a late evening without much getting done on the home front.  All that to say, today the saga continued as late nights make for late mornings.

There are things around here that don't always get cleaned up or put away right away.  I cannot always put life on hold for that.  I'd like to say that I live in a spotless and mess-free environment but it's far from the truth.  I don't like messes and I spend a lot of time eradicating them.  But I am learning that sometimes they just have to wait.  More important things are happening.  Like the sweet morning I enjoyed just smiling and loving on my kids as we ate our breakfast cereal.  Like the excitement of showing Manny the new flashcards I got for him last night.  We enjoyed going through those.  It didn't take place in an immaculate home that looks like something out of Better Homes and Gardens either.  It looked more like this...

See, I could have fooled you a little bit and only shown you the first picture.  But, this was my morning.  I should have taken the photo with all my sweet children smiling around the table...yeah, that would've been better and then you'd understand why I let the mess wait a bit.  ;)  

You know, on a little side note, it's times like these that I usually receive unexpected visitors.  There are times (although probably rare!) when everything is neat, tidy and orderly but does anyone unexpected come over then?  Of course not!  

A sweet friend came over today to see if I needed anything from the store.  The kids and I hadn't started the "clean up party" just yet and I resisted the temptation to apologize for things being a bit messy.  It is a powerful urge because everything in me wants to say "Please don't think that I am comfortable with crumbs on the floor.  Really, ants are not my friends.  I was actually just about to clean up in here."  But I've learned it's better to just not mention it.  Better to just focus on being a friend and ignore it while they are there.  I was happy to have the time to visit with her and not make it an issue.  I had already resolved in my heart about a year ago that I would never again apologize for the messes our sweet life produces.  They happen, they are normal, and they can't always be cleaned up right away.  Sometimes people take precedence...especially little people.  :)

I'll leave you with a few sweet photos of Isabel and Clara from this morning.  Isabel calls Clara "Kah" and she was doling out the kisses and the cheesy smiles.

There is so much to love about being a mom to these precious little ones.  Sometimes the cleaning just needs to wait a little.  It'll always be there anyway.  These amazing children, however, are growing up fast!

What is hospitality anyway?

"The model for entertaining is found in the slick pages of women's magazines with their 

appealing pictures of foods and rooms.  The model for hospitality is found in the Word of God."

~Karen Mains

I've had my share of struggles with feeling like my home was less than.  At times, I have had my share of excuses for not having people into our home.  When my husband was a college student and we were a growing family on a tight budget, we didn't have the means to fix a bathroom with peeling paint and I won't mention what else needed to be done to that poor bathroom...

I have had the glasses that used to be jars of jelly or pasta sauce and later they graced our table.  I have endured the carpet that was never (ever!) quite what I wanted it to be and replacing that was not an option for us either.  

I realize now, how sad it is that I let things like that get in the way of reaching out to others in my church, neighborhood and community.  Of course, I had other good excuses.  Like how busy we were, and how desperate we were for family time with my husband's crazy full time student/full time employee schedule.  There was a time were I could somewhat comfortably avoid the issue.  But God was working in my heart all along.  

We began to have people over here and there.  When we had a very small dining table and couldn't seat all of our company, I sat with a couple of ladies on our living room floor with our plates on the small table in front of us.  I enjoyed their company.  It wasn't exactly fine dining but it was togetherness.

I have things that stand out in my mind as a little discouraging.  Like the time when we had a large group of college students over and somehow, it bothered one young man that I didn't have enough chairs to seat them all.  He even made a comment about it to me as he was entering the front door.  It would have taken the wind out of my sails if I had let it.  But I just smiled and said "Well, we're doin' the best we can.  Come on in and join us!"  That evening ended up being an encouraging and edifying time together.  And yes, many of us sat on the floor. ;)

God has helped me to see that people are more important than the things that we have.  I never want to lose that focus.  Whatever the Lord has given me is something that I can use to honor and obey him by reaching out to those around me.

I know I've been sharing what I read a lot.  I hope you don't mind.  What I want to share with you today resonated with me so much that I said a hearty "Amen!" out loud.  Do you ever do that when you read something great?  Well, here is a passage from the book "Open Heart, Open Home" by Karen Mains.  The topic is "ENTERTAINING VS. HOSPITALITY."

... .. ... .. ...

"For most Christians, taking in anyone in need, even one's own family, is a radical step.  Many who say they follow Christ have no comprehension of the basics of hospitality.  We have allowed the world to squeeze us into its mold.  We think in terms of entertaining as a woman's chance to demonstrate her skill and the quality of her home.  Entertaining has little to do with real hospitality.

Secular entertaining is a terrible bondage.  Its source is human pride.  Demanding perfection, fostering the urge to impress, it is a rigorous taskmaster that enslaves.  In contrast, scriptural hospitality is a freedom that liberates.

Entertaining says, "I want to impress you with my beautiful home, my clever decorating, my gourmet cooking."  Hospitality, however, seeks to minister.  It says, "This home is not mine.  It is truly a gift from my Master.  I am his servant, and I use it as he desires."  Hospitality does not try to impress but to serve.

Entertaining always puts things before people.  "As soon as I get the house finished, the living room decorated, my place settings complete, my housework done--then I will start having people in."  "The So-and-so's are coming.  I must buy that new such-and-such before they come."  Hospitality, however, puts people before things.  "We have no furniture; we'll eat on the floor."  "The decorating may never get done.  Please come just the same."  "The house is a mess, but these people are friends.  We never get to see them.  Let's have this time together anyway."

Because we are afraid to allow people to see us as we really are, we welcome the false ideal of entertaining.  To perpetuate the illusion we must pretend we love housework, we never put our hair in rollers, our children are so well disciplined that they always pick up their toys.  We must hint broadly that we manage our busy lives without difficulty.  Working hard to keep people from recognizing our weak points, we also prevent them from loving us in our weaknesses.

Because hospitality has put away its pride, it doesn't care if other people see our humanness.  Because we are maintaining no false pretensions, people relax and feel that perhaps we can be friends.  

Entertaining subtly declares, "This is mine--these rooms, these adornments.  This is an expression of my personality.  It is an extension of who and what I am.  Look, please, and admire."  Hospitality whispers, "What is mine is yours."  Here is the secret of community that is all but lost to the church of today.  "And all who believed were together and had all things in common" (Acts 2:44).  The hospitality of that first-century church clearly said, "What's mine is yours."

Entertainment looks for a payment--the words "My, isn't she a remarkable hostess"; a return dinner invitation; a job advancement for self or spouse; esteem in the eyes of friends and neighbors.  Hospitality does everything with no thought of reward but takes pleasure in the joy of giving, doing, loving, and serving."

... .. ... .. ...

You know, since we have been living in our "temporary home" we have used up a ton of paper products.  It's what we are using on a daily basis and it's what we use to serve our guests.  There's something relaxing about it.  I mean, what concern can you really have about impressing anyone when you are serving on paper?  It's been fun and it helps me to realize, yet again, how little things like that really matter.  Our focus has been on people.  Getting to know them, spending time with them and really just sharing our lives in the time that we have together.

Whether we have a little or a lot, our focus should be on souls, not our stuff or the stuff we wish we could have.  What wonderful things could God just be waiting to do through you if you would just open up your home to others?  How long has it been?  What is holding you back?  Stained carpet, lack of space?  Don't let those things hinder you from serving God.  Reach out to others with what you have.  The greatest gift you can impart is the not the dinnerware or the impressive decorating.  No, it is not some thing that money can buy, it is a heart that is inclined to love others in the same wonderful way that God has loved you.  What better way to love and show that you genuinely care for someone than to invite them into your home with an open heart?

"Show hospitality to one another without grumbling."  1 Peter 4:9

"Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality."  Romans 12:13

Recovering with some essentials and a quote to consider from "Revival"

Yesterday, most of my day was spent with my head on a pillow and my nose in a book.  I think I have some sort of sinus infection.  It involves a splitting headache, which results in much sleeping and using up almost an entire box of tissues.  Hats off to my two oldest daughters who pretty much "held down the fort" while I started out my day sleeping late in the trailer and then trying to parent as much as possible from the "confines" of a couch.

When you are resting and trying to overcome illness it is always good to have some trusty "companions".  In those moments when I was experiencing some relief from my sinuses and headaches, I could actually manage sitting up for a while.  That is when I crocheted some stitches in the baby blanket I'm making for our little guy coming in November.  Then, there would come the point when the headache worsened and the pillow beckoned and it was time to lay down and write in my prayer journal or read from the pages of this amazing book.  Martyn Lloyd-Jones really hits the nail on the head with so many of the issues that churches were and are dealing with.  Though these sermons were given in 1959, much of what he says is relevant today and resonates with what I have experienced and been exposed to on a minor scale and to some degree in my own life.  Perhaps we have all fallen prey to majoring on the minors at some point in our Christian walk?  I love that he stresses that the issues in the church begin with each of us as individuals and our own personal walk with the Lord.  That, after all, is certainly the place to start.  May he give us grace and wisdom to put first things first.

The following quote is a little lengthy, but I hope that you take away some insight and that considering it will be worthwhile and helpful to you as you seek to serve God in the church family he has placed you in.


"If we lack a balance in the scriptural proportion of doctrines we shall find ourselves becoming dry and arid and useless.  As the Apostle Paul puts it, "Knowledge puffeth up, but charity edifieth - builds up (1 Cor. 8:1).  And there is nothing in which this is more likely to take place than in a lack of balance with respect to doctrines - in an excessive emphasis on certain aspects of truth, so that they monopolise the whole of our attention.

This is not just my opinion.  Read the history of the Church and you will find that invariably this error has led to that result.  Read the New Testament, was that not the trouble with which the Apostle deals in Romans 14?  There were certain people who were saying that nothing mattered but this question of eating meats.  They were talking about it day and night, whenever you met them they brought it into the conversation.  This was the thing.  They were dividing the church and they were condemning one another.  But look here, says Paul, that is not the the Kingdom of God!  'The kingdom of God is not meat and drink; but righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost (Rom. 14:15).

Here then, is something of which we must always be aware.  This is the subtle temptation that the Devil always brings to those who are alive and alert spiritually, and rightly concerned about doctrine.  I have no hesitation in asserting that there are large numbers of people who have been so over-concerned with the question of prophecy that they themselves have become dry and useless.  And there are churches of which that is true.  The whole of their time is spent upon prophecy.  Whenever you meet them the first thing they talk about is 'Have you seen this item in the news?  Don't you see that that is a fulfilment...?'  And the whole time they are occupied with times and seasons.  Prophecy absorbs the whole of their attention.  They very rarely talk to you about the Lord Jesus Christ.  They rarely tell you about the experiences they have had with him.  They do not give you the impression that they are holy, sanctified people.  No, they are just experts on the times and seasons...

...Now these are all ways of quenching the Spirit.  You must not exalt to the primary and the central position matters which belong to the periphery.  I ask you, therefore, to examine yourself with regard to your interest in doctrine.  Do your doctrines conceal the Persons?  Are you maintaining a balance and a right and a due proportion?  What is the first thing you talk about when you meet people?  Do you give them the impression that you are a man (or woman) who has one idea and lives for one doctrine only, or do you give the impression that you know God and the Lord Jesus Christ, and are having business and transactions with them?  Do you give an impression that there is love in you heart, the love of God that is drawing people to him, and making them anxious to know him even as you know him?  Oh, there is nothing so tragic as this foolish lack of balance.  The history of the Church, the history of revivals, shows so clearly that when people go off at tangents, as it were, and are monopolised by one thing, the Spirit is always quenched and the work is always hindered.  Let us pray for balance.  Let us pray for sanity.  We have not received 'the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind'. (2 Tim. 1:7)  Discipline, balance, order.  Let us, therefore examine ourselves as we look at these things...

...What is fatal is to be contentious, to develop a party spirit, to put up labels, and to be more concerned about the label than about the Lord Jesus Christ himself.  That is contentiousness, like the man who always brings the same matter up the moment you meet him.  It does not matter what you say about the glory of God and Christ's blood, he will say, 'Ah, but you have not emphasised this,'-something that he is particularly interested in, and which is not absolutely essential to salvation.  Contentiousness.

We must always be careful about these things.  It is because we are concerned about the truth that the Devil, in order to wreck it all, will press us beyond measure, and bring us into this position where we are quenching the Spirit.  I could add pettiness and quarrelling, self-importance.  You know the Christian Church is riddled with this sort of thing.  And how can you expect the blessing of God upon it?  I know churches, little churches, struggling to keep going, but the whole situation is ruined by smallness, jealousy and envy, and self-importance.  Then I can add to that triviality and busyness, instead of holiness and being concerned to be ready to be used of God."

..... ..... .....

Shouldn't that be our main concern?  To live holy lives, always seeking to serve and honor the God who has brought us together into one family by his the shed blood of his Son.  And to love one another as he has loved us...

"By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another."  
John 13:35

An eventful trip to the laundromat

Yesterday was momentous.  My husband and I made our first trip to a laundromat in about 16 years.  Sure, it's not exactly every one's "ideal" experience.  But I am really seeing the benefits.

For one thing, we washed four loads of laundry at the same time.  I finally got the change machine to work and it pumped out twenty dollars in quarters for us (for some reason, it didn't like my other bills).

During the washing I sat with my husband in bright orange chairs and we drank our cokes.  In between sips I read some of the passages I had marked in a book I am reading, "Revival" by Martin Lloyd-Jones.  I am really gleaning from this book and being challenged, motivated and encouraged.

It wasn't the quietest atmosphere...with little children running around and the coins clanking out of the coin machine but it was refreshing to sit and chat...it was a date in a sense.

It came to a point, as we were waiting for our clothes to finish drying, that a young man came in to do his laundry.  We had friendly conversation with him.  We were getting to know him, he knew we were new to the area but the reason why we had come was not yet stated.  It's important to us that when we first meet someone that we allow a little time for them to see us as real people.  People that they can talk to, interact with, laugh with and most of all that we genuinely care about them.  And that we will listen to them share about themselves. We are not trying to hide who we are, it's just that mentioning that we are pastor and pastor's wife right off the bat can really tend to shut people down and turn them away.

So we waited until he asked the question.  And it was an exciting transition in the conversation because I knew that I did not want to leave that day without extending ourselves to this man.  An invitation to church or just to get together with he and his wife for a cup of coffee and to talk.  And my husband did just that.  And this young man seemed very interested in getting in touch with us again.  It's not about just getting him in through the church door though, it's about developing a relationship with him and showing him that Christ loves him too.  Although, he did show great interest in coming to our church.

My husband had the opportunity of sharing the gospel with him right there in the laundromat.  I still remember early on in the conversation that the man was saying that he had never really been to church and I remember part of my husband's response to him.

"Anyone can change..."  Wow, what a statement full of hope!  It doesn't matter if you've never had a single thought toward God your whole life through.  This is not some exclusive club that you cannot gain entrance into.  I used to think that, you know.  And thank God he didn't turn my desperate soul away!  God invites all to turn to him and receive forgiveness and eternal life through faith in Christ.

The true light, which gives light to everyone, was coming into the world.  He was in the world, and the world was made through him, yet the world did not know him.  He came to his own and his own people did not receive him.  But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God.  John 1:9-13

When my husband and I got in the car to leave, we were both smiling from ear to ear.  "That was awesome!" I exclaimed.

I just love the beauty of the gospel!  Don't you?

Pray for this man, his wife and their newborn baby boy.  I sure do hope to meet them, and see this man again in the near future!

Driving across the country and being reminded of God's greatness

There's something wonderful about driving through the vast open country.  Especially those parts that are uncluttered by man-made structures such as buildings or billboards.  The occasional billboard just seemed so out of place and only served to get in the way of the spectacular view.  Only when we were looking for a place to eat or a rest stop to stretch our legs and let the kids run and play. were we glad to have signs pointing out the way.

The bluest skies, filled with puffy, white clouds were a constant reminder of the greatness of God.  And the rolling hills, towering mountains and even the flat plains stretching as far as the eye could see, caused me to reflect on how big this earth, this world and especially my God really are.

It was often a time of worship, reflection and praise as I drove along in my car.

I was only occasionally interrupted by the cries of a certain little sweetie who could only take so much of sitting still in a car seat.  Although a DVD player, juice cup, blankee, pacy, and all the snacks a little girl could possibly want were constantly provided, there just comes a point where a rest stop is the only thing a mom can dream about.  Isabel did surprisingly well on this trip.  She was such a trooper!

I was reminded again of God's greatness this past Sunday evening, as our small group gathered to share a time of prayer and testimonies.  A man prayed for the sale of our home in South Carolina.  During his prayer he acknowledged that God does indeed "own the cattle on a thousand hills" (Psalm 50:10).  My heart swelled to think of the truth of it and of God's majesty.  All of the earth and everything in it belongs to our God!  It is not too hard a thing for him to provide a buyer for our house or to do anything else for that matter.

I thought of all the cattle we saw on our drive on Interstate 80.  Cattle that dotted the many hills spread out within our view.  Though we drove from east to west, I don't think I saw anywhere close to a thousand hills or even a hundred hills with cattle.  Bur how vast and how numerous are the many things that are under the care and watchful eye of God!

{California}

Remember how great God is and how everything he chooses to do in your life is motivated by the most amazing love and goodness you can possibly imagine.

You are good and do good; 

teach me your statutes.

Psalm 119:68

A love letter to God

Father, 

Sometimes I get so focused on challenges that seem so daunting that I lose sight of how great and powerful you are.  I lose sight of your purpose for me.  I know that whenever I want my will over yours it's because my heart is deceived.  It's because I doubt your goodness and I think that I know what is good for me much better than you do.  And I never come right out and say it, but it's the thoughts that run through the mind that I am sure you are most concerned with.  The doubts of your goodness that creep in unexpectedly.  The thinking that because I am willing to serve you and go where you want me to go, that you may deprive and withhold from me.  And who wants to be deprived of what they want?  It's true, you might withhold from me in some ways, but none of that diminishes the glory of your goodness.  You have already "blessed me in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places." (Eph. 1:3)

You have not promised me the house of my dreams (at least not in this life) and you already know all of my needs even before I ask you for them.  You know of needs that I don't even know about yet.  I depend on you, Father.  I need your grace to continue to trust that your will is good and perfect.  I need the faith to accept that whatever you give is best for me.  I don't need more space than I have now.  I don't need another bathroom.  I simply need you.  And I need to remember that all of these little details came into your mind long before the thought of California entered ours.  You are not intimidated by a cost of living increase or a "seller's market" in real estate.  You are not intimidated by anything!  These are things that will make us tremble when we lose sight of your power.  

Father, I know that I cannot lose sight of my primary reason for living out my days on this earth.  It is to serve you.   It is to point others to Christ so that they will serve you too.  I love you more than all the luxuries this earth can hold.  None of them can satisfy my soul like you can.  They should never hold any sway over my heart.  I want you more!

Last night,  I resolved that I will trust you no matter what you choose to give me.  It is worldly thinking that subtly whispers "I deserve..." and "I shouldn't have to do without..."  My Savior deserved far better than what he endured and he did without a great many things.  I don't deserve anything, Father.  Not even your mercy and grace.  

Last night, I also realized how much I need your help to not lose sight of what I am here for.  It's not so that I can have a nice house with all the bells and whistles.  Although you know how I have many specifics that I am asking you for, my longings have been expressed and if you choose to give them to me I won't refuse your blessing.  But you do not owe me anything.  And I know that whatever you choose to give will be out of your deep and faithful love for me.  But never let me forget that the primary reason you have given me life is so that I can proclaim the greatness of your kingdom.  A life forever with you, a great and loving God who gave his perfect Son for sinful people like me.  It's so that I can show them that this "life forever" begins the moment they turn to Christ in faith.  It is a life that is beautiful, not because it is easy, problem free and we always get what we want but it is beautiful because we know you and desire to do your will.

And who am I that I should be blessed with the opportunity to serve you and your people?  I am simply someone who loves you, who loves your awesome mercy and grace, who loves how righteous and beautiful you are.  And yet, in the same breath that I am saying I love you, I know that my love for you needs to be fuller, deeper, and my whole heart needs to be engaged.  I know that my love for you should always be expressed not just in what I say, but in what I do.  My love should be an active response to the amazing love you have shown to me.  I do not love you because of what you give me, I love you because of who you are.

Lord, you are teaching me something about following your lead.  Your plans are well thought out.  You never miss a detail.  How silly for me to presume that I am more in tune with my circumstances than you are.  That causes worry because that is when I am not trusting you.  Help me to trust you in whatever situations I face, knowing that you are good, understanding that you know full well what is best for me, and believing that you will never, never leave me without your love.  It is in the truth of these promises that my souls finds rest.

With all my heart, now and forever,
Marisha

Psalm 16 was such a blessing to me this morning, thank you for your Word!

Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge,
I say to the LORD, "You are my Lord;
I have no good apart from you."

As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones, 
in whom is all my delight.

The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply;
their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out
or take their names on my lips.

The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup;
you hold my lot.
The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

I bless the LORD who gives me counsel;
in the night also my heart instructs me.
I have set the LORD always before me;
because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;
my flesh also dwells secure.
For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,
or let your holy one see corruption.

You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

When we think we can hide from God

Sometimes, when children are off in a room playing together, there comes that moment when you suddenly sense that it is far too quiet in the house.  So you decide to go and find out what they're up to.  As you stand in the doorway looking at them inside the room, you get the sense that they were doing something that they were not supposed to do.  It is written all over their faces that they are hiding something and are afraid of getting caught.  Someone in the room may have gotten some crazy idea and everyone else decided to try it out when suddenly the presence of a parent reminds them that they are breaking a rule.  They are ashamed and embarrassed.  They try to cover up and hide their intentions but you see right through it.

How much more does God see through us.  We cannot hide a single thing from his loving, wise and holy gaze.  

You have set our iniquities before you, our secret sins in the light of your presence.  Psalm 90:8

It is our sin that makes us want to hide and try to keep things secret.  But God never sleeps, he is always present and nothing can be hidden from his sight.  

O God, you know my folly; the wrongs I have done are not hidden from you.  Psalm 69:5

A Christian that is rightly relating to God will see these truths as blessings and be thankful for them.  If it weren't for our God seeing and exposing the true nature of the sin in our hearts, how would we ever see the need to change?  It is because of his deep love for us that he desires to bring our sins out of the dark and into the light.  It is so that we can be healed, restored and forgiven.

God does pursue us.  But not to do us harm.  It is our sinful choices that, although they are enticing and pleasurable (especially at first) will lead us down paths of misery and ruin.

But God is not only a pursuer.  He is also a rescuer.  He seeks to find the lost sheep who have gone their own way and now lie there, feeling trapped.  They are bloody, bruised and helpless because of their poor choices.  The rescuers driving passion is to carry them to a place of safety, abundance and rest.

(Jesus told the following parable when some self-righteous religious leaders grumbled because Jesus was so welcoming to sinners and ate with them)

"What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it?  And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing.  And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, 'Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep that was lost.'  Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance."  Luke 15:3-7

You can't be rescued if you still believe you can save yourself.  God won't carry you if you still think you can hold your own.  He's not going to drag you around kicking and screaming.  You must begin by trusting him and believing that he alone is able to help you, forgive, and heal you.

His rescue mission was planned long ago.  Back when the first man and woman sinned and thought that they could hide from God.   Can you imagine the depth of grief he felt in that moment.  The man and woman had been so open, so free and so true to their God.  And now, because of sin, a huge barrier was erected between them.

And they heard the sound of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God among the trees of the garden.  Genesis 3:8

If you have ever experienced a child trying to hide something they have done from you, you know that terrible feeling of grief over their sin.  It damages trust and it strains the relationship you have with them.  You still love them, but it saddens you that they would choose an ugly sin over a close, loving relationship with you.

When God said "Where are you?" it was was not because he didn't know.  He knew exactly where the man was.  But oftentimes it is a question like this and then our personal response that follows, that helps us to come to grips with what we have done.  Nothing will change for us until we first admit that we have done wrong.  We may not even know exactly where we are but we know when we are running away, lost and far from God.  Call out to him!  The depth of your despair cannot go deeper than his mercy.  He knows exactly where you are.  He can reach you.  He can carry you.  And he has given you his Son, Jesus Christ, to pay all of your penalties for you.  He suffered and died in your place, for what you deserve!  He is a wonderful God!  Turn to him and find rest for your weary soul.

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."-Jesus in Matthew 11:28

For the wages (what we earn) of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.  Romans 6:23

None is righteous, no, not one...

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.  Romans 3:10, 23

For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.  Romans 10:13