Sometimes, if I am having a particularly challenging day, it seems like all I can see are the issues I am dealing with, that are staring me right in the face. It's hard to get beyond myself and the discomfort, tiredness and emotional strain I feel. Nothing against Mondays, I am learning to like them, but this one was rough. Out of necessity I had started my day very early in the morning. I was tired as we sat at the table to do schoolwork. I felt as though I could sleep a thousand winks. The challenges of being a mother would hit me full force that day.
I realize that as a mom it is my job, my privilege, to train and direct these children that God has given to my charge. Monday left me feeling completely and utterly spent. I even grew tired of the sound of my own voice. Many trips to whatever empty room in the house I could find to just have a quiet moment to ask God for the grace I so desperately needed. Part of it, a two-year old who is learning that the right thing to do is speak when you need something and not to burst into tears. Training him was quite a work-out for me. Many pauses during home school lessons to get to the bottom of what might be bothering him. Add to that the general immaturity and childishness (not always the fun and enjoyable kind) of children who are too loud when they should be quiet or too wild when they should be calm. It was a rocky day for sure.
I confess, I did not even know what to pray. I sat on the edge of my bed just telling God that I felt frustrated and asking him what I should be thinking. It seemed complex to me. What was it in my heart and thoughts that was making this such a difficult day for me? I do not have the full answer to this question, but I am realizing that it is often my focus being on me that is the problem. When I want things to go smoothly and I don't want to have to stop what I am doing to train a child who needs it right at that very moment. Realizing that too often I have been warning about consequences instead of taking the time to implement them, especially with my older children. Yes, parenting is so very inconvenient.
A very recent lesson in Sunday School struck me. God loves us too much to allow us to continue in our sin. He wants us to be people of godly character. He is very proactive in helping us to learn to do what is right. A close evaluation of my parenting lately has confirmed to me that I have been trying to take short cuts in order to make things easier, when in reality I am making things harder on everyone.
Sometimes I am just tired and "I don't want to be mommy today." I lack the strength and endurance I need to patiently work through every problem that arises. Am I depending on God for this strength?
I found this message on the dry erase board in our dining room this morning. Brienne wrote it. My heart was so touched. Yesterday there was definitely an atmosphere of love in our home. Many hugs and kisses were exchanged. Many smiles and laughs and just delighting in being in each others company. A sense of appreciation for each and every member of the family at different times of the day. It was wonderful. This is part of what makes Brienne's statement true. But home with mom cannot truly be "love" if I fail to do what is sometimes hard and often inconvenient: to train them in godly character. I cannot get lazy or comfortable and rest on my laurels. I love them too much for that.
May you be strengthened with all power,
according to his glorious might, for all endurance
and patience with joy, giving thanks to the
Father who has qualified you to share in the
inheritance of the saints in light. Colossians 1:11-12
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