Sometimes I think back to opportunities when I have "done something for God" and I feel remorse. There came a point when my motives became clearer to me even though I couldn't see them at the time.
God is graciously helping me to see how blemished and how tainted my "offerings" of service really were.
What had been my problem? Well, as much as I love my God and my Savior, there have been times where I loved myself more. How do I know that? I know that, because by God's grace, I have been able to carefully scrutinize my thoughts. And sadly, so, so very sadly, those thoughts have often been centered on me.
I'd be concerned about how I look, how I sound, how I am perceived, how much I am appreciated and admired. It wasn't always these, but I believe that my service to God has often been tainted with self-interest and self-worship. Some of these things can actually be good to consider, but the question is, why am I concerned about them? Should the focus be on me or on God? Isn't he the awesome one? Hasn't he given me every ability I have?
I reflect on it now with disgust. Sometimes it's like that when you take a good, hard look at how you've been and you lament the immaturity of your heart. Even now, I wonder what I will think when I look back on these days I am currently living through. My heart desperately turns to God echoing the words of the psalmist...
Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!
Psalm 139: 23-24
Recently, I have had those moments where the stream of self-exalting thoughts seem to flood my mind. Temptations pull can be strong. The difference now is that rather than let it sweep me away in it's mighty current, I choose to paddle upstream with God's grace enabling me. Replacing self-focused thoughts with God-focused truths. Often with tears and anguish of soul, begging God to take away my pride. Repeating the words "Not for my glory, but for yours" as many times as I need to. Pushing those prideful thoughts from my mind. Reminding myself that all wisdom and power and glory is HIS! It is not mine.
Oh! To consistently serve him with pure motives and humble heart! Do you long for that too?
To teach his word because I want God and his wisdom to be made known. Not because I want to be known as "Marisha, the great and wise one". Did that phrase make you laugh? Yeah, me too. :)
"They do all their deeds to be seen by others.
For they make their phylacteries broad and their fringes long,
and they love the place of honor at feasts and the best seats in the synagogues
and greetings in the marketplaces and being called rabbi by others.
But you are not to be called rabbi, for you have one teacher,
and you are all brothers. And call no man your father on earth, for you
have one Father, who is in heaven. Neither be called instructors,
for you have one instructor, the Christ.
The greatest among you shall be your servant.
Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted."
Matthew 23:5-12
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When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter,
"Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?"
He said to him, "Yes, Lord: you know that I love you."
He said to him, "Feed my lambs."
John 21:15
Happily linking up here: http://www.ellenstumbo.com/a-truth-i-live-by/
Oh Marisha I get stuck in the same place as you! I really struggle with a desire for "success" and it is found in all the wrong places! Thank you for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteAlso, Psalm 139:23-24 are my favorite verses ;)I often pray this for myself.
Thank you Ellen. I trust this is a common temptation for all of us. Even for Christ himself! By God's grace we can resist and not give in to it's pull. Thanks for reading!
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