Don't sin when you're angry {marriage, part 1}

As parents, I think we all have things that we teach our kids not to say.  One of the words that we have banned is "stupid".  We have good reason for banning it.  Typically, when a person uses that word they do so with name calling, swearing or just a poor attitude in general.  All of which we greatly discourage in our home.  Well, imagine the surprise of my children when one day they noticed that the Bible (gasp!) uses the word "stupid".

Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, 

but he who hates reproof is stupid.

Proverbs 12:1 (ESV)

Obviously I have had to remind my children that though the word is most often used inappropriately, there are instances when it is an appropriate word to use.  Like in the Bible! :)  The problem is that children seem to have a difficult time using the expression without sinning.

Similarly, some of my children have had the mistaken impression that we should never, EVER be angry. 

"Wait a minute, let's clarify something kids."  

Aren't there things that we should be angry about?  Injustice, cruelty, carelessness...is not God himself angry at times and rightly so?  If we are not angered by these things, as well as others I haven't mentioned, then we should have our pulse checked.  The question is: How do we respond when something angers us?

In Psalm 4:4 it says "Be angry and do not sin.  Ponder in your bed and be silent."

You know, as far as marriage goes, you are not going to get this kind of example on television.  I haven't seen a sitcom in years but I remember how married couples would handle their conflicts.  They would blurt out whatever they were thinking, speaking their mind.  They would retaliate, get defensive, have a good comeback or a one-line zinger.  And sure, it feels good at first but the effects are lasting and they are damaging to our relationships.

That is probably why I don't watch them anymore!  Those ways of handling anger and conflict are foolish and ungodly.  And none of us needs more encouragement to be like that!

There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts,

but the tongue of the wise brings healing.  

Proverbs 12:18

The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, 

but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.

Proverbs 15:28

I admit, I have had my share of poor responses and foolish choices.  We are all learning to apply wisdom and do better with this.  Especially when the heat is on and we are downright upset.  But through years of trial and error (maybe it just took me a while to "get" some things) I am learning that God's ways are best, they are wise and they bring blessing to my relationships.

When we are upset and angry (yes it happens to good Christian women) we feel a tremendous urge to pour it all out.

A fool gives full vent to his spirit, 

but a wise man (woman) quietly hold it back.

Proverbs 29:11

It can feel like a dam is going to break loose if we hold it all in much longer.  Expect it, you will probably feel this way.  But just because the urge is there does not mean that we should give in to it.  Nor should we be hard in heart, resolved that we have a right to be angry and therefore we will stay angry.  This is what the Bible calls bitterness.

Most of us are probably familiar with the verse in Ephesians 4:26 which says:

Be angry and do not sin; 

do not let the sun go down on your anger.

I will elaborate a little more on this in Part 2.  But for now, let's take a little look into Ephesians for some help in evaluating how we typically respond in upsetting situations.  Do you have a disposition that is bent on being angry when something upsets you?  God understands that we will experience being angry.  We are emotional beings.  Of course things that happen will affect us.  But we will have to choose how we will respond.  He tells us not to sin.  

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, 

but only such as is good for building up,

as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom

you were sealed for the day of redemption.

Let all bitterness ( holding a grudge, hard heart, won't forgive), and wrath (vengeful anger)

and anger and clamor (noisy shouting) and slander (speak negatively about, leave a poor impression) be put away from you, along with all malice (desire to cause pain or injury).

Ephesians 4:29-31

Read through these carefully.  Do these characteristics describe the way you typically respond when you are hurt?  Do you turn things around on the other person and start tearing them down?  These are all very natural and fleshly responses.  They are not the responses that God requires of us.

We find the right response in verse 32.  I know, you have probably heard this verse a million times.  Don't become numb to it.  This verse describes the disposition that ought to characterize those who follow Christ.  It ought to be our attitude behind closed doors and yes, even when we feel angry and upset.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

My husband and I have had several lively conversations on this topic.  I've been thinking a lot about the verse that says "Be angry and do not sin, do not let the sun go down on your anger. (Eph. 4:26)  Anyway, I jotted down something he said a little earlier today as he was getting ready for work.  I liked it because it puts much of what I have been trying to express here into one concise sentence.

"Anger is a reaction to a circumstance but staying angry is a choice."

I think knowing that is half the battle.

{You can read part two here: Don't sin when you're angry {marriage, part two}