A little more perspective

I recently finished reading "Family Driven Faith" by Voddie Baucham Jr..  There is much in this book to be praised and commended.  What parent doesn't need all the encouragement they can get to live out the gospel and to teach it to their children on a daily basis?  Sometimes we need to be shaken up a bit and rise up out of our comfort and complacency to fulfill our God-given responsibilities.

I appreciate his exposure of the wrong thinking of the culture around us as well as popular church culture.  As Christians, we are can be prone to go with the flow of what is happening around us without questioning if it is good, right or biblical.  The author points out that when it comes to marriage, some see it as an entrapment to avoid as long as possible or at least until they have experienced what life "really" has to offer.  When it comes to children, they are seen as a burden to prevent or minimize.  There is much ungodly thinking that has affected us even more than we sometimes realize.  And he points out our flawed thinking in the book.

There is also much encouragement in this book to be a strong, God-centered family.  I appreciate that.  We need more of that.  He encourages regular family time spent worshiping God together.

The chapter on love was very well thought out.  He takes a good look at the incorrect view of love that is so prevalent in our culture.  While many are so focused on romance, feelings and falling in and out of love, God calls his people to a much higher standard.  He says "Love is proved by our efforts.  If I say I love God, there should be evidence in the things I do (or the way I expend my energy and effort).  By the same token, if I say I love my wife, that should be evidenced by my actions.  If my actions are self-centered, I am demonstrating love for me.  However, if my actions are directed toward meeting her needs, then she truly is the object of my affections."  Now that is biblical.

It wasn't really until I got to chapter seven that I began to run into some issues with what I was reading.  I have already addressed my concerns with his take on schooling options for our kids and church nurseries here: Different perspectives.  But as I finished reading the book I came across some other areas of concern.

First, his beliefs concerning raising godly children are very deterministic.  Here is a quote from page 164: "Parenting is a tough job, and we have a limited amount of time to accomplish a lifetime of work.  As I write this chapter, my daughter is finishing her last year of high school, and my oldest son has about three years left (the babies haven't started yet).  When that time comes, it will be nearly impossible to undo the things that were done badly or redo things that were missed.  Sure, I will still have a relationship with my children, but for the most part the die will have been cast."  I cringed when I read this.  While I do understand the significant responsibility that we have as parents to teach our children about God and to teach them right from wrong, this kind of thinking puts all the weight on the parents.  And often, especially once the children have grown, many parents are unnecessarily laden with guilt if their children turn from the Lord.

I did not grow up in a Christian environment.  My mind was, in many ways, saturated with ungodly thinking and as I grew I made my own choices and I am responsible for those choices.

"Nearly impossible to undo the things that were done badly"?  "For the most part the die will have been cast"?  God, by his grace, can overcome any obstacle to pointing out the path to faith and obedience to his word.  Yes, as parents we do our part, but it is not completely up to us to make our children Christians.  That will depend on God's gracious work of mercy and their turning to him in faith and repentance.

There are many examples in the Bible of parents who had a strong faith in God and their children went their own way.  There are also examples of children who completely turn from the lifestyle of wickedness exemplified by their parents and yet the children turn wholeheartedly to God to serve him and love him all of their days.  Is it best to have parents who love God and teach their children about him every chance they get?  YES!  But I believe that we can encourage parents to do this without using the language used in the book.  There is always grace, there is always forgiveness, and there is always hope.  All parents are flawed and have their weaknesses and struggles.  To adopt this mindset that my actions will set in stone how my child relates to God and others is leaving God out of the picture.  I can have a huge impact in their lives and what I do as a parent matters for eternity.  I am doing the best I can to honor God with how I parent my children.  And as parents we should continually aim to do better as we grow in grace.  But that's just it.

We are growing in grace.

Secondly, I would like to give some perspective to his points about youth ministry.  His main concern is that parents are not discipling their youth in their own homes.  He is right that some have the highly errant philosophy that it is the job of the church (and only the church) to teach their children about God.  He gives many worst case scenario examples.  For example, in the book the author quotes a youth minister from North Carolina who said "If I become too pastoral, the kids won't be entertained, and they will go down the street to the guy with all the bells and whistles.  If I become too evangelistic, I get complaints about the shallowness of the group and the post-youth ministry dropout rate.  I can't win."

The author goes on to say that "This explains why parents who take their disciple-making mandate seriously are beginning to be skeptical about turning their children over to the youth ministry.  How does a mother build truth into her daughter's life, nurture her, guard her, and encourage her toward the application of that truth, then send her into an environment that will oftentimes by its very nature be hostile or at least ambivalent toward that truth?  How does a father raise his son to respect young women and protect their purity only to send him off to the youth building with exposed midriffs, low-cut tops and skin tight jeans?  Again, this is not universal.  However, it is prevalent."

Ahem.  I will not sit here and attempt to make the claim that I have a perfect youth group in my church.  There are no perfect youth groups and there are no perfect churches for that matter.  That is primarily what concerns me with this book.  The family integration model is presented as if it does not have any flaws.  I have never seen it in action so I cannot speak for it.  But I do have one question to pose.

The author's main objection to having a "youth ministry" is that we should not hand over our youth to be discipled by someone else.  It is our job and we should be doing it.  Yes, I agree we should be the primary disciplers in our homes but I have a question here.  What happens in a family integration setting?  Do they follow the biblical model of hearing the Word of God preached by a pastor when they go to church?  If so, wouldn't that constitute having someone else teaching your children about God, even if they are sitting right there next to you?

I understand, there are flaws in some youth ministries.  Youth ministry aside, there are flaws in churches.  But we don't abandon the ministry all together.  We seek to improve it.  I believe there is a way to do it right and in a way that honors God without abdicating our role as parents.  Interaction between all ages should be regularly encouraged and opportunities can be provided to encourage this.  To say that the best way is to have every age sitting in a church service together is not necessarily the only way.  We teach our children according to age in so many other aspects of learning.  I am not so sure that we should avoid doing this when it comes to instruction in the Bible.  But I am not professing to be an expert either.  My point is that I may not attend a family integration church but that does not mean that because we have a church nursery and a youth group that we are failing to honor God as we ought.

My children go to the nursery and they go to classes that are geared toward their age.  But that does not mean that they never interact with our church family or that they cloister with their peers avoiding anyone who is not their age.  Does this happen in some cases?  Yes.  But it can happen in any environment if young people are not focused on being used of God in whatever age group they cross paths with at church.  Again, it goes back to what is taught at home combined with the heart of that young person.  Those things will always affect what we bring to the world around us and to the church.

A youth ministry can have a God-centered, God-honoring focus.  I appreciate the ministry we have at our church.  Amera (17 years old) sits with us in the service and she goes to a classroom with the other teens during Sunday School.  They are taught God's Word by other people who love the Lord like we do.  She also sits with us on Sunday evenings and every other Wednesday night.  I think this is a very good balance.  During Sunday School, we as parents have the opportunity to interact with other men and women and the Word of God.  We have opportunities to share our struggles in times of discussion without our children sitting right next to us, listening.  I think that these are valuable times that are edifying.

Yes, there will be fun activities for our teens, just the same as there are fun activities for adults.  But when it comes to Sunday School, the goal is not to entertain them, it is to support what the parents should be doing at home and teach them the Word of God.  In reality, all believers should be encouraging and supporting each other in our efforts to look to Christ ourselves and then to point our children to him as well.  We may not be in a church setting where our children are always at our side but then again, we do have them the whole week through do we not?