I could have done better at that // My life as it is

"Everything about which we are tempted to complain may be the very instrument whereby the Potter intends to shape his clay into the image of his Son..."  --from "Keep a Quiet Heart" by Elisabeth Elliot

Simply overwhelmed...
You know, even in the midst of all that needs to be done, it is refreshing to sit down and collect my thoughts and write about the way things are.  You might read this and think that I ought to be unpacking boxes instead of writing about how overwhelmed I feel.  But, please understand, the thinking through, the writing and the sharing simply helps.  It helps a great deal.  And I hope that the reality of the struggles I face will encourage you in yours.  Because whose life is perfect anyway?  So here it is...my life lately...

Sometimes it just feels like there is too much happening and too much that needs to be accomplished.  This overwhelmed feeling has become very familiar to me, especially in the past year or so.  There are many new things in my life and I have been through some big changes.  For one, I live in a new state.  We moved from one side of the continent to the other.  And I don't even have my official state driver's license yet because I failed the written test twice.  The rule at the DMV is three strikes and you're out so after failing twice, I decided to pick my jaw up off of the floor and take home the book to study out all of the particulars of driving in California rather than pay the fee again.  I was so shocked that I didn't pass!  That's what I get for my over- confidence.  I thought, why would I need to study for something I've been doing for over eighteen years?!  Well, obviously I thought wrong.  It's time to study that book because my temporary license will expire soon.

Things don't always go as smoothly as I'd like...
My tendency to be laid back and take a calm approach is sometimes helpful but other times it can result in my not being as prepared as I thought I was.  Like the morning of my C-section when we went to the wrong hospital.  Can I just say, this was my eighth baby and I don't think I have ever gone on a hospital tour before delivery.  My mentality has always been "I'll show up and I'll be told where to go".  Simple, right?  Well, not so simple when on the morning of your scheduled surgery you go to the wrong hospital!  In our defense, we went to the one they told us to go to at the Pre-Op appointment.  But here's the thing: both hospitals have the same word in their name.  Thankfully, they are pretty close to each other so we were still able to make it on time.  But I knew I was in trouble when the lady behind the desk at the first hospital had no record of me and asked if I went to a Pre-Op appointment.  She also told me that she had noticed that I was pregnant but she didn't want to outright ask me when I walked in.  Her words..."You're in the wrong place..."  were pretty hard for me to take.  She also said, "I'll call them and tell them you're on your way."  I could have done without that as well.  I was already embarrassed enough.  It all turned out well in the end but I felt pretty bad about getting the hospitals mixed up on such an important day of my life.  Please don't get the wrong idea about me, I rather like having all my ducks in a row, being prepared and knowing what I am doing.  But that was not my day to shine.

My life as it is...
Honestly, I haven't felt very "shiny" lately.  Life has felt dulled by the constant presence of cardboard boxes and bags of things I want to donate.  I have felt like a woman scrambling, hurrying, over-exerting, and multi-plate spinning.  I have felt like I never have enough time to accomplish what I need to do.  There have been peaks where I really gain some traction and bring a task to completion (man, that's a good feeling!) but there have been so many valleys where I just don't know where to start.  Times where I have just sat there and prayed because I feel like I am spinning my wheels and getting nowhere.  "Where do I begin, Lord?...help me!"  It seems that not long after I sort through umpteen boxes of clothing that each room gets slammed with more laundry.  Because it doesn't stop needing to be washed, dried and folded when you're moving in to a house.  Oh, and let's not forget the putting away part.  ;)

Most of the conversations my husband and I have had lately consist of relaying to each other what we plan to accomplish that day.  And he has a job to do that requires a lot of him and he's been coming home in the evenings to work on the house.  I told him that I don't know how he is doing it and of course his response was "By God's grace..."

And I am homeschooling and recovering from surgery and getting adjusted to a caring for a newborn again and just longing for everything to be in it's place.  It really starts to get to me.  I didn't realize how just how much until a few mornings ago when I sat alone with my husband and began the attempt to articulate the way I feel lately.

You don't know how many times I have just wished I could snap my fingers and have everything put away.  I do consider a job well done very rewarding and it's not that I am against hard work.  But it seems that so much has to come together for me to be able to dig into a task.  My children must be fed, taken care of, occupied (hopefully there is a job I can give them) and not only that, I must have the energy and motivation to tackle the project.  Please hear me, I am not complaining.  This is just what I am going through.

I really am doing the best I can...
So there I was with my husband.  Telling him all.  Telling him that I really feel like I should be moved in by now.  For one thing people who come over are still seeing boxes and things out of place and how long ago did we start moving in?!!

"Marisha, stop worrying about what other people think, just focus on doing your best for God."

And my tears came.  And I realized that some pressure to get things done is good, but sometimes we put undue pressure on ourselves and our souls just need to be at rest.  To start each day with a desire to honor God with the work of our hands and to do what we can but we cannot do it all.  Because life is happening and there are things that you and I are going through.  For me, a new life in a new place with a new baby.  And all of these new things come with new challenges, like the dishwasher that overflowed with water onto our kitchen floor this morning.  Later on the phone, my husband and I had a hearty laugh about the whole ordeal, AFTER THE FACT.  But when things like that happen you always feel like it's the LAST thing you needed at that moment.  It was upsetting and I nearly slipped and fell when I was sopping up the water with towels.  So we are getting to know this house with all of its quirks and making decisions about what we need to fix and when.  Sometimes I minimize how big these changes in my life really are.  But I'm realizing that sometimes they are big to me.  But I know that my God is bigger and I will grow through this and he is with me through it all, giving me grace and strength to carry on.

So with the challenges I am facing, I do feel weak.  I feel the dullness of the daily grind of unpacking more boxes in the midst of all of my other responsibilities.   I feel the pressure of the things that need doing and fixing.  But here is the thing.  I cannot let it consume me.  I cannot keep putting off important things because of all of this work that needs to be done.  We still have people over, though things aren't picture perfect right now.  And I still need to have fun with my family and not feel guilty because there is work that still needs to be accomplished.  It's always there!

I put it off for too long...
Last week I gave up telling myself the story that as soon as I sat down and made an "official" schedule that I would begin my "Bible Time" with the kids in the mornings.  Why is it that when I am in "survival mode" that I think we can survive by dropping that from our daily schedule?!  It goes against everything I know to be true and right but I confess I did it anyway.  I figured that our after-dinner time with dad would be enough.  It takes some energy and the wherewithal to teach a group of energetic kids a Bible lesson so I put it on hold for a while.  Until this past week when I thought "What am I waiting for?!" and I pulled out the book we were using and told them that TODAY we were going to have Bible Time.  They actually got excited about it, they cheered, and I think I even heard a couple of them shout "YAY!".  And I just felt rebuked that I had put it off for so long.  But it's just the way that my brain works sometimes.  I think "First this and then that."  Sometimes it's a good thing because I am trying to prioritize and keep my sanity.  But in this case I don't think I was prioritizing so well.  We were basically getting by but I know I could have done better.  Isn't it a wonderful thing that we as parents have so much capacity to teach our children about God?!  It is such a privilege that I have neglected far too often, to my shame.

My husband's exciting project...
The extra projects we have been doing have certainly added to our workload.  And add to that the things that need fixing and installing.  We STILL have a few of those things on our list of things to do.  But even though those extra projects have slowed things down a bit, I wouldn't trade every boxed unpacked for the sight of my husband's enthusiasm and excitement over the butcher block counter top he has been putting together out in the garage.  It's been a long while since I have seen him get excited over a project and the light in his eyes as he plans and carries out his ideas is priceless.  I can't wait until  we can enjoy using it and have a little more counter space.  :)

So much I look forward to...yet enjoying life as it is...
There is so much that I want to do.  Not only in this house but outside of it as well.  Coffee dates, Bible studies, trips to the park and all of that!  There are things that will definitely make their way into our schedule eventually but I simply cannot put them there yet.  I just have to do the best I can to honor God with the hours that he gives me.  And lately that mostly consists of feeding, burping, changing and loving on our sweet baby boy and trying to take the time to show all of the others that I still have enough love for them too.  That shows itself in different ways.  The other night I enjoyed just sitting on the couch in our family room and laughing, recounting stories we've heard, movies we've seen, memories that meant something and Javi's hilarious retelling of Goldilocks and the Three Bears.  He kept tacking on "...and she KNEW she wasn't supposed to do that!"  He had us all cracking up.  These are just simple moments of being together.  Nothing flashy or earth shattering.  Just us, together.  Sometimes you just gotta keep it simple and enjoy life as it is.

From a shaky start to a firm resolve {my marriage story}

A shaky start...
There I was, seventeen and fresh out of boot camp and several weeks of Tech. school.  I had joined the Air Force because it was all I had ever known and all I thought I would be able to do at that time in my life.  It got me out on my own and it got me out of North Dakota where I had spent my last two years of high school, freezing like never before and wondering what to do with my life.

I met my husband in a room full of chairs and a handful of young airmen in uniform.  We were there for "in processing" to our base.  We had both been stationed in New Mexico.

Things happened very fast for us.  And you know, it's funny how a person can think they are having so much fun with their lifestyle and yet later consider it a period of darkness.  But that is how I view those early days.  Sure, there were glimmers of light but much was missing and there were holes that only God could fill and torn places that only God could mend.  I love my husband and I am glad for God's transforming power in his life.  But I shudder to think of where we would be if God had not intervened.  And not just because of my husband, but because of me.

It was a long time before I could even refer to those early days when we met without cringing and without not even wanting to talk about it.  It was inevitable, someone would ask the question  "So...how did you meet?" and my soul was in turmoil.  I struggled between wanting to be completely honest with our new Christian friends and yet knew I had to just keep it light most of the time.  We had just come out of a different culture with a completely different set of rules.  Most of them were made up as we went along.  I knew that not everyone wanted to hear unpleasant details of how godless we were.  I felt like a war veteran returning home from a hard battle.  Everything was supposed to be "normal" now yet I had seen too much.  I had experienced things that I would not dare to attempt to put into words and most of them were by choice.  It would take time and healing to get over it.  It would take the grace of God and the understanding that his love is deep, constant and sure.

You know, I see these articles online that talk about choosing a husband and all of the things to look for.  They talk about making a list of all the qualities that are important to you and not forgetting it all when a cute guy is flattering you and you're tempted to lose your resolve.  Would you believe me if I told you that one of the first questions I asked my husband a little while after we had met was "Are you religious?"  And I wasn't asking because I was hoping he was.  I was glad when he said no.  Honestly, I couldn't have really defined "religious" except that I knew it had to do with God.  And I had nothing whatsoever to do with God.  And so, check that one off, we had a match.

The "live and let die" mentality that I had saddens me now.  What a pointless existence.  Even when I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted, I was really just confused and walking on shaky ground.

As my husband tells the story "We met in December, I proposed in February, and we were married in April."  Yeah, it happened fast.  He told me that he loved me after only two weeks.  It wasn't mutual,  I thought he was crazy.  He tried so hard to impress me, I thought he was showing off and almost broke up with him.  Almost.

When it came time for us to be married, for some strange reason I thought it should be in a church setting.  I told you I was confused.  Well, the chaplain had us take a compatibility test and it revealed that we had some very different backgrounds and ideas concerning God.  As we sat in the chaplain's office he handed me a sheet of paper so that I could read what he would say in a typical wedding and he said to me "I don't think you'd be comfortable with this."  And he was right.  There I was, in tears in his office.  Confused and wavering.

That was me when it came to my thoughts, my decisions and my life.  Just wavering.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  You try to act like you're ok, but you're not.  There are things about your life that look normal and healthy on the surface but inside you are full of darkness and emptiness.  And the sad part is that most of the time you don't even know it.  Most of the time you can get by ignoring it and think everything in your life is just fine that way it is.  Until God's light begins to shine in and helps you to truly see.

A firm resolve...
So here I am, 37 years old.  I'm thankful for God's grace.  I'm thankful that my husband and I have submitted our lives to Christ.  I wasn't careful enough but God was so merciful.  I know it doesn't always happen this way.  Those of us who know Christ cannot just take plunges in life and simply hope that everything turns out ok in the end.  We have to make careful, discerning and wise decisions when it comes to who we will spend our lives with.

I tell my children that I love their dad.  I love that he fears God.  I love that he is a hard worker and that pleasing God is so important to him.  I love that he takes good care of me.  I love that he loves them.  That he laughs and plays with them and best of all teaches them the Word of God.  This is all God's work in his life.  I don't want to take it for granted.  And I want them to see how important it is for a person to have these qualities.

You see, because cute guys who tell you what you want to hear will only last for so long.  The trials will come, the important decisions in life will need to be made and you can't get by with just his good looks and his sense of humor (although admittedly, they do help).  You want a man of firm conviction and integrity.  A man who will do what is right when no one else is looking.  A man who lives his life to please God and not himself.

Seek the Lord and choose wisely girls.  You won't find perfection but a man who loves God above all else and desires to know him more is where it starts.  And not just for them but for you.

Are you listening to what he's saying?

Whenever couples say that they never have a disagreement, I don't believe them.  How is it possible that two people could never disagree?

Maybe they mean that they never yell, fight or argue like children?  Ok, I believe God can help with that and he gives grace to overcome those things.  But...to never disagree?  How can two people who are different in many ways never disagree?

Even the greatest of marriages will not be free from disagreements.  But if you're like me, you may need some help in learning how to handle them in a mature and godly way.

What I'm about to share with you will be very simple yet profound.


Listen to your husband.


When he comes to you and points out an issue that he thinks you need to correct in your life, don't get defensive.  You will be very tempted to do so.  As soon as he brings up his concerns and points out an issue with the way you are doing things, no matter how respectfully he does it, you may want to throw up walls.  You won't want to hear him.  You will give excuses and right away you will want to explain why you do what you do.  But your first reaction is not always the best one.  You must learn to truly listen...and be silent.

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.  James 1:19

If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.

Proverbs 18:13

One of the blessings of being up early this morning is the quietness of my house.  All of the children are sleeping.  Any cars that might be driving around are so far away that I cannot hear them.  All I can hear are the sounds of the birds singing and chirping as the sun rises.  This glorious calm and quiet gets me out of bed in the morning because I don't want to miss it.

I find that, the longer I sit in this quiet room, the more I notice other sounds.  Like the hum of the refrigerator motor.  That is not something I tend to notice during the usual noise going on in any given day.  But I notice it when everything else is quiet.

The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.  Proverbs 12:15

There are things in your marriage that you will not be inclined to pay any attention to if all you do is fill the room with the noise of defending yourself against whatever he says.  Just listen to what he has to say.  You may need to tell him that you will take some time to think and to pray about what he has said.  It may not sink in easily.  You might think he's way off base.  We have all been there.  It's possible that he is off base.  It's also possible that he's not.  Taking the time to pray and be silent before the Lord is the best thing you can do right then.

When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.  

Proverbs 10:19

Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble.

Proverbs 21:23

Another thing you may be tempted to do is to take the opportunity to point out some of his flaws.  Maybe you even think that he has the same issue that he is pointing out in you.  This is where it gets difficult.  This is when you will want to turn all of the attention from yourself onto him.  Resist that temptation.  You may not even realize that you are doing it, at first.  But this is not the time to turn things around on him.  He has come to you.  Hear him out and let it be done.  If you have something that you want to talk to him about, do it later.  Take time to pray and prepare your heart for it.  Then, hopefully, he will remember how great it was when you had actually listened to him and he might do the same for you.  No guarantees of course.  But no matter how he responds, you focus on honoring God and let God take care of the rest.

Listen to your husband.  God may have something very important to teach you through his words.  Though they are very hard to take at first, you may later realize that they were just what you needed to hear.

Expectations for Mother's Day can be maddening (for both of us)

{my husband made some crazy faces the evening that we took pictures 

in the parking lot of California Dreaming.  Love him!  We had so much fun!}

On Mother's Day, our husbands (and our children too) are put to the test, are they not?.  It's as if they have to prove on this day how much they really love and appreciate us.  Some are really good at planning and come up with great ideas that are sure to impress.  Others don't seem to plan at all.  Maybe it overwhelms them, maybe they're not good with surprises and romance, maybe they've been so busy with life at full speed, maybe they don't have any ideas, maybe they don't have the money...for whatever reason it may be, I think that many of us women find ourselves in a pretty sad state if our expectations aren't met on a day that should be just as joyous as any other.

There is so much pressure put on our husbands for Mother's Day (and Valentine's Day for that matter) that  I really have to question if we have missed the mark.  It's almost as if we demand our goodies.  We want him to concoct unique, thoughtful, impressive plans.  We might even be willing to settle for chocolates and a card...a single rose maybe?  SOMETHING!  And we feel unloved if he doesn't deliver.  This is not a day to feel unloved and depressed when we don't get goodies.  This is a day to thank the Lord for moms.  Shouldn't that be our focus?  If you have one, thank him.  If you are one, praise him.  If neither is the case, God is still good and his love is infinite.

I hope that, as moms, we will continue to be more focused on giving than on getting...and yes, that should also be our attitude on Mother's Day!  That is the NOT the message that we tend to hear or believe.  The message in our minds goes something like this..."If he loves and appreciates me he'll either buy something for me or do something for me."  The bar is raised so high on this day.  Of course, we hear all of the news about what other men did for their wives.  One friend gets breakfast in bed and doesn't have to lift a finger all day.  Another friend gets a box of chocolates and a poem written from the heart.  And another friend's kids went all out and made her special hand-made gifts.  These are very sweet things and I am not saying they are wrong.  But what is wrong is our attitude when we don't get them.

Are we discontent?  Are we missing out on an opportunity to love our husbands (yes, it will feel sacrificial) when we don't get what we were expecting?  Are we falling into the trap of comparing ourselves with others?  I wonder how many tears were shed in homes across the world yesterday because of dashed expectations.  I wonder how many hurtful words were spoken because mother's didn't feel loved enough.

Please ladies, don't allow bitterness to eat away at you.  God has given you a husband to love, as is.  He is flawed ( I know this because all men are) and he is learning to love you, just like you are learning to love him. Don't allow the messages of what "you should be getting" on Mother's Day overshadow the message of God.  Focus on how you can honor and love God in the secret place of your heart on this post-Mother's Day and every Mother's Day that God allows you to experience after that.

God is good, he has given you a man to love, you are a servant of God in your home...none of that has changed.  Be thankful to the Lord for all that he has given you.

May I suggest pulling out a pen and paper and considering all the things you have to thank God for, especially concerning your husband, and write them down as they come to mind.  It's an amazing exercise and you will be so glad you did.

And so will he.

Please take these verses to heart...

...Let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.  1 Peter 3:4

The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.  She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.  Proverbs 31:11-12

...(If I) have not love, I am nothing...
Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful.  1 Cor. 13:2b, 5

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.  1 Thess. 5:18

And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.  Col. 3:17

The things that are on my mind

1.  My husband was ordained this weekend!
What a joy!  To finally come to this point after years of preparing.  I still remember the years when my husband was a full-time student and a full-time employee.  That meant that every bit of time we had with him was precious.  We were both stretched and brought to the end of ourselves.  There were tears of exhaustion and questioning whether or not we could go on living like that!  Other people thought we were crazy...WE thought we were crazy!  But we learned so much about turning to God for strength and not giving up when it's hard.

The service will always be something that I treasure in my heart.  All of those years of hard work and preparation seemed to culminate at that point.  Javier shared his testimony of salvation and call to the ministry and our pastor's message from the book of 1 Timothy 4:11-16 was encouraging and edifying.  It was wonderful to share in the moment with Javier's parents who have always supported us over the years and have been a source of encouragement and love.  As well as our pastor from Missouri that showed us the way to find forgiveness in Christ and took the time to disciple us.  We can't thank him enough!  We were also blessed to have a couple there that has worked with Javier in the hospital over the years and has had the opportunity to see his ministry firsthand as he has faithfully pointed them to Christ and the salvation he freely offers.  We praise God that they have come to know Christ!  And lastly, another couple that came all the way from Yuba City, CA!  Their support meant so much to us.  What a blessing to have them all there along with our church family.  Believe me, I could hardly stop smiling.

2.  We know where we are going!
It seems so hard to believe that we are actually going to move to Yuba City, CA.  No longer is it "maybe" or "we'll see what God has" or "if we go, then..."  We have direction.  We can plan!  We can get really excited! It almost makes me feel like Jell-O inside.

We thank God for a vote of 93% from the church.

We thank God for the assurance that he is with us and will continue to be no matter what.

We thank God for the understanding that this is first and foremost HIS church and HIS people and we are merely HIS servants who hope and pray to bring him honor and glory in Yuba City.  He has the power to change lives and heal all the broken places as people turn to him.

3.  Packing and fixing up
Isn't it sad that our homes undergo so much improvement just as we are preparing to leave them?!  :)
We are busy about getting our house ready to sell and last week that meant building a closet with the help of our friends.  My house has been a construction zone lately!  And since I had to move stuff around for the project and things were already out of place, I decided that I may as well start packing.  Amera and I have been quite a team!  Actually she has probably done most of it, especially since I had to keep so many other balls rolling.

This week we are preparing to do some painting.  Our walls are looking so lovely with the blue stripe effect of the paint tape Amera put up yesterday!  There is much to accomplish and I am doing my best to do what I can in the hours that God gives me.  I admit, I wish I had more!

Please join us in praying that our house sells quickly.  We know that nothing is too hard for our God and he knows that our desire is to begin serving in Yuba City as quickly as possible.  All the details are in his hands...right where they need to be.

4.  Baby number eight!
God has blessed us with a little one that we will be so excited to meet at the end of November.  It's too early to know if it is a boy or a girl but at this point we're not too concerned about it!  God fits families together perfectly and he knows exactly what he is doing.  We have no control over it and God has already decided it.  Boys and girls are both blessings and gifts from God.  We have had the joy of experiencing that over and over again.

5.  To read or not to read, that is the question!
I confess, lately it's hard not to feel like I should be doing a million others things when I sit down to read.  The laundry never seems to end and there always seems to be something that needs to be done.  But I am squeezing in a chapter here and there.  I tell myself "Just one chapter and then I'll _______."  It works fairly well and it gives me something to ponder while I do the task.  Lately I am still working through the books I have already started as well as some others that I probably shouldn't be adding to my reading list yet....but I was too interested in the topic to resist.  What's that topic you ask?  Music.  I found a few books that I just couldn't wait to dig into.  As a family, it has been a topic that we have had many discussions over and many questions in our minds as well.  I believe it is an area that each of us should be thoughtful and careful about, recognizing that our choices matter a great deal to God for the sake of his honor and glory.  What a blessing to benefit from the careful thought and study of others as they have sought to base their convictions on the Word of God.

Maybe I'll write more on that later but for now, I have some work to do!

Don't sin when you're angry {marriage, part 2}

{You can read part one here: Don't sin when you're angry {marriage, part 1}

Be angry and do not sin; 

do not let the sun go down on your anger.

Ephesians 4:26

It often happens that the more we hear something repeated, the less we question it's validity.  I think most people have heard this verse and I am glad for that but I think that people have also misunderstood it.  It is often taken to mean that we don't dare go to sleep until we have resolved whatever issue we are facing.  A desire to resolve matters and come to an understanding is a noble desire.  But should we always attempt to resolve our difficulties and disagreements even if it keeps us up until 3am and we are exhausted and can hardly think straight?

First, this passage in Ephesians is not written specifically and only for the marriage relationship.  It applies to everyone.  Can everyone stay up all night trying to resolve their differences?  Should they?  

Do you know that there is wisdom in being silent at times?

There is a very similar verse to the one in Ephesians that is found in the Psalms. 

Be angry, and do not sin;

ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent.

Psalm 4:4

What is our tendency when we are angry?  We bicker back and forth defending our position and expressing our frustration until things escalate and emotions are running high.  Maybe things don't necessarily escalate but you just find that you are getting nowhere.  I really don't think we need to feel like we have to have everything resolved before we go to sleep.  Sometimes it is better to "sleep on it" and plan to discuss it further the next day.  

How about praying?  Have you ever lovingly told your spouse that their concerns are very important to you (try not to say it through clenched teeth) and you will take them to heart?  Every couple has instances where they are just not seeing eye to eye on things.  It's ok to step away from the issue and get before God in prayer.  Your loved one may not want to let it go right then (I have been that "one") but you can assure them of your love and concern and also assure them that you will commit it to prayer.  Have you ever said "I just need some time to pray before we continue"?  

I had to learn this the hard way.  If I had learned this principle early on in my marriage it would have been a good thing :).  "Ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent."

And I add to that: PRAY.  Stop and pray.  Ask God for wisdom and help in the situation.  Ask him to open your eyes to see things from the other person's perspective.  

After praying, talk to your spouse and seek to understand what they are going through.  Each of us has unique situations going on in our lives that are contributing to our stress level.  We're all going through something.  Try to understand them.  This is hard to do when our first inclination is to focus on our selves and how we feel.

But if we are going to honor God in our relationships we must put our focus on loving God and others more.

"Don't let the sun go down on your anger."  Don't resolve in your mind that you are going to stay mad.  Instead, resolve that you will always take whatever steps you can toward reconciliation and forgiveness.  And remember that sometimes the best thing to do is sleep on it. :)

Don't sin when you're angry {marriage, part 1}

As parents, I think we all have things that we teach our kids not to say.  One of the words that we have banned is "stupid".  We have good reason for banning it.  Typically, when a person uses that word they do so with name calling, swearing or just a poor attitude in general.  All of which we greatly discourage in our home.  Well, imagine the surprise of my children when one day they noticed that the Bible (gasp!) uses the word "stupid".

Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, 

but he who hates reproof is stupid.

Proverbs 12:1 (ESV)

Obviously I have had to remind my children that though the word is most often used inappropriately, there are instances when it is an appropriate word to use.  Like in the Bible! :)  The problem is that children seem to have a difficult time using the expression without sinning.

Similarly, some of my children have had the mistaken impression that we should never, EVER be angry. 

"Wait a minute, let's clarify something kids."  

Aren't there things that we should be angry about?  Injustice, cruelty, carelessness...is not God himself angry at times and rightly so?  If we are not angered by these things, as well as others I haven't mentioned, then we should have our pulse checked.  The question is: How do we respond when something angers us?

In Psalm 4:4 it says "Be angry and do not sin.  Ponder in your bed and be silent."

You know, as far as marriage goes, you are not going to get this kind of example on television.  I haven't seen a sitcom in years but I remember how married couples would handle their conflicts.  They would blurt out whatever they were thinking, speaking their mind.  They would retaliate, get defensive, have a good comeback or a one-line zinger.  And sure, it feels good at first but the effects are lasting and they are damaging to our relationships.

That is probably why I don't watch them anymore!  Those ways of handling anger and conflict are foolish and ungodly.  And none of us needs more encouragement to be like that!

There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts,

but the tongue of the wise brings healing.  

Proverbs 12:18

The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, 

but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.

Proverbs 15:28

I admit, I have had my share of poor responses and foolish choices.  We are all learning to apply wisdom and do better with this.  Especially when the heat is on and we are downright upset.  But through years of trial and error (maybe it just took me a while to "get" some things) I am learning that God's ways are best, they are wise and they bring blessing to my relationships.

When we are upset and angry (yes it happens to good Christian women) we feel a tremendous urge to pour it all out.

A fool gives full vent to his spirit, 

but a wise man (woman) quietly hold it back.

Proverbs 29:11

It can feel like a dam is going to break loose if we hold it all in much longer.  Expect it, you will probably feel this way.  But just because the urge is there does not mean that we should give in to it.  Nor should we be hard in heart, resolved that we have a right to be angry and therefore we will stay angry.  This is what the Bible calls bitterness.

Most of us are probably familiar with the verse in Ephesians 4:26 which says:

Be angry and do not sin; 

do not let the sun go down on your anger.

I will elaborate a little more on this in Part 2.  But for now, let's take a little look into Ephesians for some help in evaluating how we typically respond in upsetting situations.  Do you have a disposition that is bent on being angry when something upsets you?  God understands that we will experience being angry.  We are emotional beings.  Of course things that happen will affect us.  But we will have to choose how we will respond.  He tells us not to sin.  

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, 

but only such as is good for building up,

as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom

you were sealed for the day of redemption.

Let all bitterness ( holding a grudge, hard heart, won't forgive), and wrath (vengeful anger)

and anger and clamor (noisy shouting) and slander (speak negatively about, leave a poor impression) be put away from you, along with all malice (desire to cause pain or injury).

Ephesians 4:29-31

Read through these carefully.  Do these characteristics describe the way you typically respond when you are hurt?  Do you turn things around on the other person and start tearing them down?  These are all very natural and fleshly responses.  They are not the responses that God requires of us.

We find the right response in verse 32.  I know, you have probably heard this verse a million times.  Don't become numb to it.  This verse describes the disposition that ought to characterize those who follow Christ.  It ought to be our attitude behind closed doors and yes, even when we feel angry and upset.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

My husband and I have had several lively conversations on this topic.  I've been thinking a lot about the verse that says "Be angry and do not sin, do not let the sun go down on your anger. (Eph. 4:26)  Anyway, I jotted down something he said a little earlier today as he was getting ready for work.  I liked it because it puts much of what I have been trying to express here into one concise sentence.

"Anger is a reaction to a circumstance but staying angry is a choice."

I think knowing that is half the battle.

{You can read part two here: Don't sin when you're angry {marriage, part two}

Enjoy them while you can

I sat across the table from my husband in an Italian restaurant.  We chatted about various things as we waited for our food to arrive.  As much as I was enjoying our conversation, I couldn't help but overhear the mother in the booth to my left.  She seemed very annoyed as she gave one of her two daughters instructions on how to use her utensils.  Her daughters looked to be anywhere from 6-8 years old.  She spoke harshly, she rebuked, she was exasperated. 

Their mother continued to spew out her frustrations through pursed lips for what seemed like ten minutes. Frustrated by her daughter's lack of coordination she began to compare using utensils to playing the piano.  Not even kidding.

When my husband stood up to go to the restroom, I decided to turn around just a little and sneak a quick glance at her daughter.  Beautiful little girl, though her eyes were downcast.  If I, a complete stranger, was cringing at every word coming from this woman's mouth, how much more this little girl?  

It surprised me that this mother didn't see any need to keep a little quieter, be more discreet with her rebukes...did she enjoy her children at all?  Was she that much of a perfectionist that she was going to harp on her daughter for the course of the entire meal?  It grieved me and I wanted to warn her.  I wanted to scribble down a quick note to give to her before we left.  Maybe it could say "You have beautiful children, love them, enjoy their company while you still can...think about how they are seeing you..."  I wanted to somehow help her to see things a little clearer, to see how her harsh words are affecting her relationship with her daughters.  Because when its all said and done, does proper utensil use really matter that much?

It's so easy for all of us to see the wrong in what someone else is doing but do we see our own?  I have been trying to do that with the goal of opening my eyes to my own sin.  It's easy for me to see extremes and then feel glad that it's not me doing that, but where do I need to grow?  What do I need to change as a mother?  I think, if we're honest, we will see that we all have things we need to work on.  Sometimes my priorities are out of whack and I need to adjust them.  Sometimes I get frustrated when my kids don't "perform" well and I make that "thing they should know how to do by now" more important than simply loving them.

Don't follow that downward spiral of being annoyed at this and annoyed at that.  Get your grip on God and take steps upward, choosing to love your kids as God wants you to do.  Do there need to be rebukes?  Yes.  But do it out of love for your kids and love for God.  Not because you want them to be perfect and not make your life difficult.  Say what needs to be said and move on.  Love them and delight in being with them.  

What can you do to show more love to your children today?

If asked, would they say that you enjoy their company?

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, 

and those who love it will eat its fruits.

Proverbs 18:21

Where I belong {writing prompt}

This April, my husband and I will celebrate 18 years of marriage!  As a married woman, I have been through many peaks and valleys.  No marriage is perfect, right?  How could it be with two imperfect people?

Several weeks ago, I shared with a group of ladies how God has changed my thinking concerning my marriage.  I remember the first four years or so of our marriage.  Those were times when my only foundation was my whim and desire for everything to go my way.  If it wasn't, I wanted out.  I panicked.  I can remember storming out of the house after an argument and thinking that there was no hope for us and no way we would get past this.  We were struggling to understand each other...and what did we really know of love?   To us, love was good feelings.  I would later come to see that it's not that way with God.

That God would want a relationship with me...the unlovely, the impure, the selfish...that he would pursue me, not turning away and refusing me but accepting me.  His love is warm and sacrificial.  His love is nurturing and he desires me to turn from my ways to his.  His love is the basis for all of my relationships.

How can I run away when he stays?  He is loyal and faithful.

How can I think only of myself when he gave his only Son to die a brutal death in my sinful place?

How can I be unkind when I know that it was his kindness that lead me to repentance?

The truth of who God is has laid the foundation for my marriage.  I will not pretend that I have always been responsive to the truth but I have had some victory over the years.  That victory has come as I have spent time getting to know God through his Word and chosen to live it out.  Those are the beautiful times.  Even though they are hard, they are beautiful.  They are the moments I will never regret.  I want to live like that.  No regrets.

I thought I'd share a recent little thing that my husband and I came up with.  Sometimes it just helps to have a certain thing you say in a particular situation.  Think about those times that you have something that you really want your spouse to change, work on, or start doing.  Or maybe you need to talk to them about something that bothers you.  Your mind may be flooded with all of the things you want to tell them.  But let's face it, sometimes when we get the opportunity we go on and on and we say more than we need to.  The thing is, we want to make sure we are getting our point across, right?

Well, it is in these situations that we have started saying "Duly noted".  It works really well for us.  These are usually those times when we are in the bedroom putting things away or making the bed.  It's a great time for us to bring things up with each other.  And we listen to each other.  But saying "Duly noted" is a way to let the other know that we get it.  We understand the problem and we will aim to change it.  It's not rude or careless.  It's a short way to communicate "I love you, I have heard you, and I will take it to heart and to prayer".  Sometimes we verbalize all of those things but other times it works so well to just say "Duly noted".  And sometimes we chuckle and tease "Are you telling me to be quiet?" :)  It depends on the mood of course.

I thank God for redeeming our marriage.  For being our rock, our hope and our shield.  I know what it's like to live without him.  And believe me, I don't ever want to go back.

I'm right where I belong, through thick and thin.  Love is more than feelings.  It is a choice.  It's a choice I can make because God chose to love me with all of my imperfections.  I praise him for that.



Linking up for the writing prompt here: http://www.ellenstumbo.com/where-i-belong/

When opportunity knocks

He works late into the night.  When he wakes up around nine o'clock each morning and my day is already in full swing.  On this particular morning, Amera's piano lesson was canceled.  I had planned to cancel it because due to illness she has not gotten much practice anyway.  But her teacher beat me to it and called me the night before to cancel.  She had one of those opportunities where someone gives you tickets to someplace special and you just don't want to pass it up.  We laughed at how I was going to cancel anyway and at how well that worked out for both of us.  I told her, "Have fun!"

Being home that morning worked out to be a big blessing for me too.  Can I just tell you what one of my favorite things to do is?  I love to ask my husband about something I've been reading in the Bible.  

He was in the kitchen getting something to eat for breakfast (I'm telling you, our schedules are so unaligned) when I said "I have something I want to ask you about from Isaiah 55".  He didn't waste any time.   He grabbed his breakfast, I made sure the coffee was brewing and we sat down at our dining room table.  We could sneak this time in, right?  The kids had already accomplished much of their school work and were playing in various rooms of the house.  It was a perfect opportunity to take a little break.  And this was very important business. ;)

I love how excited he gets about teaching me the truths of the Bible.  I was falling in love with him all over again on that morning.   Sitting there at the table, eating my snack of Cheez-its.  Loving how he jumps right in to the opportunity to help me see the context of a passage...to try to understand what God is really saying in his Word.  He prompts me with questions, I search for the answers.  With each new discovery the excitement builds.  I see it!  Yes!  Thank you.

Now, I am falling more in love with Isaiah 55 with every line I read...and with God really.  Because the words are from his heart to mine.  

"Come everyone who thirsts."

Yes, I know it so well.  He satisfies the soul like no one and nothing else can.  It's one of the many reasons I love him so.  What would I do without God?

I cannot end without reminding you that God gives everyone the opportunity, even better, the INVITATION to come to him and to receive the forgiveness and eternal life that he freely offers to you.  He urges us, he pleads "Incline your ear, and come to me; hear, that your soul may live..."

And just a little more?  I have to tell you what he says in verses six and seven.  It's like a fire in my bones.  I am compelled by all the love, grace and compassion of God to tell you what he says in these verses. 

"Seek the LORD while he may be found; call upon him while he is near; let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts; let him return to the LORD, that he may have compassion on him, and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon."  He will abundantly pardon.

If you've ever wondered what the word repentance means, I think it's right there in a nutshell.  It's the way to God.  The only way.  I've been helping Clara (5yrs.) memorize it every day for "Kids 4 Truth".  Mark 1:15b "Repent and believe in the gospel."  The gospel is all about Jesus.  The perfect One gave his life for the imperfect ones.  God's glorious plan from the very beginning and more precious to me than anything else.

Consider reading Isaiah 55 soon?

Hearts that need mending

It amazes how my husband can say the simplest of things and it can be just what I need to hear.  How is it that a mere sentence, spoken with love can affect so much?  He calls me from time to time throughout my day.  He doesn't call every single time he is at work, but sometimes he does...he calls to see how I am doing.

It's a relief to me when he calls.  I'm not saying I always unload to him everything I am going through but I do  think it's important to keep him in the loop concerning how I am really doing as well as things that are happening with the kids.

Today his phone call came right in the middle of a motherhood moment with a child who finally caved in to the tears they were on the verge of throughout the morning.  Tears that, I confess, bothered me.  After listening to my child tell me all about it and hearing that these tears were all about something that they wanted but could not have...my heart sank.

There I was in my bedroom chair, mending holes with a thread and needle, and now I would try my best to mend my child's heart.  But really, without God and his Word, I would be lost.  Amazing that God can fix these problems we have.  That he can speak love, goodness, and faithfulness to us when we covet what others have.  That we can learn to be content with what he has given and to trust that he is still good.

My child lay there with tears streaming down.  I did not feel pity.  Nor did I wish that I could run out and buy them exactly what they wanted.  I knew that this was right where they needed to be.  Whatever happened in my child's heart I do not know.  All I know is that I pointed them to the goodness of God.  I prompted thanksgiving.  I walked through the process of redirecting thoughts and desires.  I attempted to realign and make straight all the crooked parts.  And this is a mother's work, is it not?

Back to my husband's phone call.  You know what he said?

"I'm so glad you're there."  

Wow.  It felt so good to hear him say that.  It made me feel like all of the time and energy I am investing in my family is worth it.  Oh, believe me, sometimes I want to get away.  I do not always feel like doing everything in my job description.  But I am still learning that the place I most often need to get away to is in prayer.  I have often felt like Susanna Wesley.  Have you ever heard about how she would throw her apron over her head and just pray right then and there?  That's me.  Although it's usually with a blanket.  The kids are usually very curious...

"Mommy, what are you doing?"

My thoughts?  The best thing I can do.

My words? "Praying honey.  Mommy's praying."

It's good for them to see that.  I need God just as much as they do.

Sometimes love is hard to give

Years ago when I was a new mother, I remember watching another mom at church holding her baby.  She was so tender toward him, the open palm of her hand gently rubbing his back, comforting him.  I can't quite explain it, but seeing her tenderness and love for her child made an indelible imprint on my heart.  I remember thinking "I want to be more like that.  I wanted to be more tender, more affectionate, more loving toward my family.  She was such an example to me in that moment.

I have had to grow in this area.  It has taken some effort.  I have always thought I was a pretty affectionate person, until I met my husband who has always challenged me to give more of myself.  Sometimes I have felt like I have reached some sort of limit with how much hugging I can handle.  There is still a little residue of that in me.  

Sometimes I am so focused on all that I need to do, that I don't stop and hug, or make eye contact, or give my full attention...Sometimes my husband or one of my children will reach out their arms to me and want a hug and I confess, sometimes I feel a difficult shifting of gears and I really have to check my attitude.  "Slow down Marisha, the task is not more important than the people."

Am I alone here?  Or is this kind of love sometimes hard to give?  I can look back over the years and see that it really boils down to my need to be more selfless and give of myself.  Those two things are not always easy to do, especially when it inconveniences you.  But loving my family is important to me and in many ways this desire was cultivated in my heart by the example of other women whom I saw loving their children.

I have never forgotten that tender moment where the mother held her baby.  I was learning from her as I watched her delighting in her child.  Before that, I had seen my share of women who griped and complained about their children and I have also had my share of struggles with my own attitude.  

Thankfully, loving our families more is something that we can learn and improve upon every day.  Do you want to give more to your loved ones?  Pray and ask God to help you to develop a more affectionate heart toward them.  Pray for more of an awareness and understanding of their needs, even if their needs may be a little different from your own.  

"Older women...are to teach what is good, and so train the young 

women to love their husbands and children."    Titus 2:3-4

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

We had a fun time on our little outing to Chick-fil-A.  As usual, I had to take some pictures. :)

I won the first round of BINGO!  Yay!  Now we have to decide 

if we really want to put a Chick-fil-A cow topper on our van's antenna. ;)

Little getaways

Moving Amera's piano lesson to Thursday mornings has turned out to be a huge blessing for me.  It's amazing how one little change can make all the difference.  

I grab my bag and head out the door anticipating some quiet time while I wait.  In my "Bible bag" I have my Bible, Bible study books, journals, pens and my little camera.  It's very convenient to have everything in one place and so easy to grab when it's time to go.  I am learning to take advantage of opportunities to be refreshed.  I realize that my situation may be a little unique.  While I do have little ones, I also have a teen who babysits.  My husband is home during the day and can take care of the kids while I take Amera to piano.  But it wasn't always that way.  I remember when I used to tote my crew around everywhere I went...rarely, if ever, taking much time for myself.  I think it's important though, and maybe if we think about it a little more we can all find ways to carve out a little time to be quiet and to be alone.

Wouldn't it be wonderful to plan a two hour getaway just for you?  Once a month?  Maybe someone can watch the kids?  Your husband?  A baby sitter?  I think that for most of us it is possible.  

In the grocery store where I shop there is this wonderful section of magazines.  I know that they are full of ideas and inspiration.  There are also comfy chairs.  I often pass by it as I am headed to the check out line and I imagine sitting there skimming through them.  Home ideas, family fun, crochet projects, recipes...all at my fingertips.  

Recently, the idea came to me clear as day.  Why not plan to go there sometime (it's right across the street!) and just sit for an hour or more and be refreshed and inspired?  I can put the date on my calendar.  I can commit to it.  I'm pretty sure it would do wonders.

Another idea I had...my husband and I both love to read.  Sometimes carving out time for that can be a challenge, especially with no interruptions.  So, this past weekend I made a proposal.  

Wouldn't it be wonderful for us to take a book and just go read somewhere.  Consider it a little date?  Give me two hours of reading and I just might get through half of a book!  I'm having a hard time doing that lately. I totally had a hard time last night.  I could not get through a single paragraph and finally just went to bed.  But how wonderful would it be to set aside a couple hours, even just once a month, to get away and read?  We put so much on our calendars, why not this?  We could just drive somewhere and park.  We could go through the drive through, get some coffee and just park and pull out those books.  Does that sound as wonderful to you as it does to me? 

 ...I'm making plans...  ;)

Even after all the ups and downs, I love you still

Dear Javier, 

I just have to chuckle whenever I see this photo.  Sometime in the year 2000, wasn't it?  Probably taken by some automatic camera as soon as the ride began...

Look at me...ha!...looking terrified and probably thinking "I'm gonna die!"

Look at you...probably thinking "Yeah!  Bring it on!"  You always were ready for just about anything.  Me?  Not so much.  Still, in this roller coaster of life we have had so much we have had to learn, haven't we?

Me...always wanting to get things done NOW...overly concerned that time would run out and it wouldn't get done.

You...not in a rush, planning to do it later...calm and unhurried.

You...often reminding me that sometimes the work can wait.  Sometimes what I think is best, isn't.  And how often have you had to slow me down to just sit and talk and cuddle?  You have taught me how to put first things first.

I remember the frustration we felt...

Me...because I wanted that shelf put together TODAY.  

You...because I was asking you to do it without taking into account all of the other pressures you were facing.

Bit by bit we are learning to love each other more selflessly.  Isn't that what marriage is all about?

I've learned to communicate well with you.  To be clear about what I need...not to assume that you ought to know already.  We seem to have come to a point of being on the same team instead of working against each other.  When I need your help, I know that I can ask you when would be a good day to accomplish it.  I have learned to trust you more and to treat you that way.  I have also learned to be a little more flexible if the day we set aside rolls around and suddenly plans have to change.  

I grew to know you more--to know how you prefer to be approached.  It took many tries...and you have learned so much about me too...after many tries.  

I know I have had my share of complexities and you have probably wondered if you would ever understand me.

I think of all the silly things I have grown out of.  Remember early on in our marriage when I didn't want you to touch my face because I worried that it would cause me to break out (yes, I had a rough time with acne in my adolescence)?  Ok, confession--that was a little OCD.  It seems so silly to me now--but, like it or not, that was me.  You kept loving me anyway.  Thank you, honey.

And speaking of complexity and difficulty in being understood...some people like to put that label on women, but I have struggled at times too.  Both of us have spent years trying to understand the each other and all the while God has been reminding us that love does not give up.  Ever.

I loved you then, and I still do.  It may sound cliche to say that I love you even more than ever after all of these eighteen years.  But it's true, I do.  We've been through so much together.  It's been painful at times.  And I won't lie, there were times when I even thought to myself "I'm gonna die!"  We've certainly had our ups and downs.  But by God's grace we have learned to love each other more and more with each passing day.  I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you!

P.S. 

It means a lot that you try your best to get to things that I need you to help me with around the house.  I've noticed how you have been getting to things right away, especially in the past couple of years.  I know that you know how much it means to me.  God taught me to be patient and wait and love you.  At the same time, he was working in your heart to learn to love me in a very tangible way.  

I praise him for his redeeming grace!

With love, 

Marisha

[Sidenote: the other guy in that photo up there has always amused me.  He looks way too calm under the circumstances!  Also, I very much doubt that he walked off that ride with his sunglasses intact!]