Humbled.

One's pride will bring him low,
but he who is lowly in spirit
will obtain honor.  Proverbs 29:23

  When I don't say the right thing, in the right way, when I feel like I may not have the admiration of others, when I become painfully aware of an area in my life that needs growth...I am so humbled.  My pride is wounded when I feel like I've failed.  I confess, I have a hard time getting out of the mire of self pity.  It's a place where I cannot see clearly.  Self is magnified and God is forgotten in the midst of the wallowing.  Do I care more about what God thinks or what people think?  What is my motivation, my aim, my goal in life?  To impress others with who I am, or with who God is?  Sometimes this can get a bit out of balance and God brings me back to center.

   I have sat there in tears and rebelliously thought "I will not share my heart again.  It won't come out right.  I'm too afraid of sounding stupid.  My words will probably come out too slow again and I'll stumble."

   Not share my heart?  How can I not try?  It's so much easier to just be silent.  No one will judge.  No one will be able to assess my words if I just keep quiet.  It will be easier that way...or so I think.  It's foolish to even entertain those thoughts.  They are not the solution.  An African proverb I came across says  "Don't look where you fall, but where you slipped."  In other words, don't just try to fix the results of the problem and "put a band-aid" on it.  But rather look to the root of the problem.  I have to see my pride as God sees it.

"God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble."

Submit yourselves therefore to God.  Resist the devil and

he will flee from you.  Draw near to God and he will 

draw near to you.  James 4:6-8a

The fear of the LORD is instruction in wisdom, 

and humility comes before honor.  Proverbs 15:33

   God made me with a desire for relationships, first and foremost with Him, but also with others.  There are times to be silent, I need wisdom and discernment to know when and when not to speak.  But this I am confident of, I cannot serve him and be in fear of failing at the same time.  I really have to push myself to step out of my comfort zone.  It takes effort for me, it's not easy.  It makes me feel vulnerable.  But can I truly love if I don't speak because of fear? 

   Sometimes when God teaches and disciplines me, I feel like a small child who ought to know better.  And through this humbling I nod my head in affirmation...I know...I know I'm just being proud...it shouldn't be about me anyway...it should be all about You.  This chipping away of rough edges is painful for me.  I realize that God is very thoughtfully allowing me to go through this for my good and so that he will be seen in my life.  I cannot forget that. 

   If I am really honest with myself, I have to admit that I wish I could be flawless and always say and do the right things.  Laughable, right?  That's not a very realistic expectation of myself or anyone else.  I am beginning to understand that being mature in Christ is not just never failing, it's responding well when you do and continuing on in his grace and strength. 

Oh Lord, teach me to be humble before you...to be steady, not overly proud when 

things are going well and not overly discouraged when they aren't.  Simply trusting, not 

despising your chastening...your molding of me.  No matter how hard it is, I am willing. 

...O LORD, you are our Father, we are the clay,
and you are our potter, we are all the work of
your hand.     Isaiah 64:8