One of the most difficult things about being a parent is that we cannot force our children to make the right choices. They must choose to do the right thing. Sometimes I feel like I am teaching things over and over again, training and coaching them in the best way to handle situations. "Don't yell like that, speak like this." "Don't shove, say 'Excuse me.'" "Don't lose your temper, stay calm and talk it out.'" "God wants you to put others first, are you doing that or are you only thinking of yourself?"
Learning to respond according to biblical wisdom is a day in day out process. And what's more, as parents we are growing in Christ-likeness daily. We are also learning to respond to situations in a godly way. We are not perfect people by any means. We are sinners and so are our children. They are born that way. We do have an influence and we can impact their lives for Christ but not everything is taught. In other words, they are not blank canvases, learning all of their sin patterns from me. Sometimes that is the case but they come up with a whole lot on their own! Sometimes I wonder "Where on earth did they get that from?" "Was it me? Dad? Friends? Movies?
We often want something or someone to blame. But in all reality, we are sinners and we don't need any help or influence to be them. Our children will surprise us with what they come up with sometimes.
As parents, do we really think that we can determine whether or not our children will follow after Christ and live a godly life based upon how well they train them?
If we teach our children all the wisdom and ways of God, does God guarantee to us that they will obey him, if not now, then eventually?
There is nothing that a Christian parent desires more than for their children to love God and make wise choices in obedience to God's word. But just because we teach them, does not mean that they will. And to claim that God promises this is a grave misunderstanding. Is it really right for us to expect that just because a person is taught something, he will do it? Is that not a personal choice each person makes? Whether or not they will obey and do what is right?
Training and teaching our children is our responsibility as parents. But I am deeply concerned that we have misunderstood one little verse in the Bible and this misunderstanding has serious consequences.
It is likely that every Christian parent is familiar with the verse in Proverbs that says:
Train up a child in the way he should go;
even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Proverbs 22:6
The question is...is this a promise? If so, does the rest of Scripture back that up? Or is it better understood as a general truth? If we could guarantee that our children will grow up to love God and serve him then that makes it all up to us and our training. If we adhere to this line of thinking it follows that if they make poor choices in their life then they are the victim of our poor parenting. This is not always the case and thinking this way can result in a huge problem. People who grow into adults and point the finger at their parents for all of their current problems. Basically saying "I sin because you sinned against me." Blame shifting. "It's not my fault that I sin, it's my parents fault for not teaching me right."
This is a vicious cycle that never amounts to any personal change. I read an illustration recently in which a son blames his father for his problems saying "Dad, why were you such a bad dad to give me all these hang ups?" The father responded with "It's not my fault it's the way I was brought up." If every generation blamed the one before it, it would go all the way back to the Garden of Eden! And there was a whole lot of blame shifting going on there too! Adam blamed the woman for giving him the fruit. Eve blamed the serpent. And in the end, pointing the finger at God because we think he was so unjust to put us in the situation in the first place.
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man.
God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond
your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the
way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
1 Corinthians 10:13
We have to be careful how we think. Do you realize that there are untold numbers of parents out there who were just as dedicated to training their children and teaching them God's word as you may be now and yet the children want nothing to do with it? They make foolish choices and have no heart for God. When we see this our first thought is:
"What did their parents do wrong?"
"Their parents must have let in some bad influence they shouldn't have allowed."
We question if the parent really trained them up properly.
And what of the parent? The parent is laden with guilt. They wonder what more they could have done. Did they teach the Bible enough? Did they utterly fail to do well as a parent? They feel shame and they feel like a failure.
If the sins of our children are always a direct result of our lack of training, then we must think that we have control over the choices they make. We don't. Being wise or being a fool is ultimately their choice.
The word of the LORD came to me:
"What do you mean by repeating this proverb concerning
and the children's teeth are set on edge'?
As I live, declares the Lord GOD, this proverb
shall no more be used by you in Israel.
Behold, all souls are mine;
the soul of the father as well as the soul of the son is mine;
the soul who sins shall die."
Ezekiel 18:1-4
I cannot secure the salvation of my children. That is between them and God. I can point them to the narrow gate, but I cannot drag them through it. They have to walk through on their own. They may choose to go another way and it will break my heart, but I will not blame myself. They are accountable to God for their choices.
Proverbs 22:6 is a general truth, not a promise. If we claim it is then we are saying that we as parents have control over whether or not our children will trust in Christ for salvation and serve God with their lives. We cannot determine this, we cannot guarantee it and we cannot back God into a corner and say "You promised me!"
The following biblical truth applies to parents as well as their children:
Do you not know that if you present yourselves to anyone as obedient slaves,
you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death,
or of obedience, which leads to righteousness?
But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become
obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were
committed, and having been set free from sin, have become slaves
to righteousness. Romans 6:16-18
So then each of us will give an account of himself to God. Romans 14:12
Have you ever blamed your parents for the way you turned out?
Are you taking personal responsibility for your own sin?
Could you be feeling unnecessary guilt and shame because your children aren't walking with God even though you taught them to do so?
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