Learning to love without fear

This post was actually written several months ago.  To be honest I've been a little afraid to post it.  I've been mulling it over in my mind, editing and tweaking it and trying to decide if I should post it or not.  I don't want people to feel sorry for me or to think that I haven't gotten beyond my past, though sometimes my own thoughts can get me in a slump if I let them.  My story is what it is, I can't change it or doctor it up to make the undesirable parts seem better than they were.  My story consists of the good, the bad and the ugly.  I trust it is the same for all of us.

I have grown accustomed to my natural responses to some things.  Some of these thought patterns go way back.  More and more, by God's grace, I am recognizing when these well-worn paths of response are sinful and ungodly.  But, with God, there is always hope for the future.  That is a wonderful truth.  As a Christian, I can choose to respond to everything in my life in a way that brings him honor.

And now, a little part of my story...

I grew up an "Air Force brat" as we are so affectionately called.  Our family moved around when my dad got a new assignment.  The two places I remember most are Hawaii and California.

In Hawaii I developed a love for the water and the sand between my toes.  As an eight to ten year old girl I remember building sand castles with my sisters, boogie boarding and spending hours in the sun and playing to my hearts content. The waves of the ocean were wonderful to me.

Making friends never felt hard.  My sisters and I played with all the children in the neighborhood.  It seemed almost effortless.  We would just get together, and we would play.  We would ride our bikes, play jump rope out in the street (not much traffic at all)...we'd chant and count as we jumped...

Cinderella dressed in yella

went upstairs to kiss a fella

made a mistake

and kissed a snake

how many doctors did it take?

1...2...3...4....5.......

We would play hand clapping games and "red rover, red rover", "mother may I?" and "Simon says".  This was the time in my life where I don't remember questioning much about life in general.  My biggest concerns were the mean kids at school that would call me "pig nose" and one day a girl pulled me around the playground by my ponytail.  Ugh, kids will always find something to make fun of.  I wish I had known how to handle that better.  

When I was about eleven years old, my dad got stationed to California.  Enter the junior high school era.  I remember struggling to find where I fit in.  People were suddenly preoccupied with name brand fashion.  Like "Guess" jeans, which were often cuffed at the bottom to make them more form fitting.  They were also very expensive.  And I didn't have any.  The closest I came to Guess was a pink sweatshirt that said "Guess" on it.  I tried not to care but it was so hard when it seemed like everybody else did.

I remember this boy that used to make fun of people who shop at Kmart.  I hated his teasing.  I began to develop a fear of being seen in Kmart.  I distinctly remember one time when my mom needed to go and I decided to wait in the car in the parking lot.  I didn't want to be seen shopping at Kmart!  Now I am the mom who unashamedly shops at thrift stores!  Who would've known?

One day someone brought it to my attention that if that boy or anyone else were to spot me in Kmart then that would mean they would have to be there too!  Why didn't I think of that?  I finally began to let go of this concern and walk the aisles of Kmart.  You can't imagine my shock when one day, I saw the same boy who had made fun of me walking around with his mom in Kmart!  Why was I so worried about what he thought of me?  How silly!

Junior High was difficult for me at times.  There were two lunch periods and you never knew which one you would get.  I remember I got one lunch period and my friend, that I was hoping to sit with, got another.  It was so intimidating for me to walk into a cafeteria, full of people I didn't know.  I felt like the biggest dork on the planet.  I felt like not a single soul cared and I was too afraid to come out of my comfort zone and walk up and introduce myself.  Who would I introduce myself to?  All the tables were full of people who seemed to be getting along just fine...without me.  I tried to make it appear like I was fine being by myself.  One day I felt so awkward about it that I hid in the girls locker room.  That was better than being seen alone.  I just didn't know what else to do.  I don't remember how long I did this, maybe once or twice, but I do remember that it was beyond embarrassing for me.

Eventually a small group of girls came along and welcomed me into their group.  I felt rescued.  We never became really close, but at least I had some companions to just be with.

Sometimes, as an adult I have felt those feelings I felt back then.  Feeling like no one seems to really care about me. Waiting for someone else to approach me...for someone else to extend themselves to me.  And now I realize that when I start having those thoughts I am focusing on the wrong thing.  I am focusing on me.  I am wallowing in self-pity, self-love, and pride.  I'm learning that I have to get past me.  I'm learning that God wants me to put others first.  I'm learning that God wants me to come out of my "comfortable places" and reach out to others...reaching beyond a comfortable group...that is easy to relate to.  Reaching out to God's people without partiality.  Reaching out to those who do not know him without fear.  Even if that means being a little vulnerable.  It really is ok.  I know that his love is the deepest of all and nothing can separate me from that.  I also trust that he has many blessings in store as I move forward...seeking to love without fear.

These days, although I struggle just as much as the next lady with being too self-focused and self-absorbed, I generally tend to be sensitive to the person who is sitting alone.  I detest the thought that someone would have to go home feeling unnoticed and unloved.  Amazingly enough, I walk up to complete strangers and introduce myself...and I really have to push myself to do it.  It's only because of God's work in my heart.  He gives me courage, even to face potential rejection.  And yes, that happens...even in churches.  Sometimes people are blessed by being approached by a friendly person, sometimes they are closed off.  I am learning to understand that too and not let it be a discouragement.

I am also learning to see beyond the external.  Nice clothes do not make someone more worthy of love and attention.  That attitude wasn't good for junior high and it isn't good now.  There is no partiality with God. (see James chapter2)

If I am in conversation with someone else and another person comes up to us, I try to make them feel welcome by changing my body position so as not to close them off and to acknowledge their presence.  I want people to know they are important to me and that they matter to me.  Yet, with all of these concerns going off in my mind, I probably don't always seem like I feel that way to others.  Maybe some people even think I'm a snob!  Gasp!  God forbid!  I admit, it happens to me too, I can be far too quick to try and figure people out without really knowing them.  But don't we all need time, patience and love?

The fact that we women are so quick to make judgements like that is a post for another day.  We are very complex people who sin and suffer from a thing called imperfection.  We really should be more gracious and compassionate toward one another.

Not too long ago, I read a quote from Abraham Lincoln that has really stuck with me.  He said, "I don't too much care for that man, I must get to know him."

How many times have we cast our judgement on someone without giving them more than a few opportunities to show us who they really are and then graciously forgiving the rough spots when we see them even clearer.  To love people the way God loves us.  That means we love them even though they sin.  That's what we want for ourselves isn't it?

If you really fulfill the royal law according to the Scripture,
"You shall love your neighbor as yourself," you are doing well.
But if you show partiality, you are committing sin and are convicted
by the law as transgressors.  For whoever keeps the whole law but 
fails in one point has become accountable for all of it.
For he who said, "Do not commit adultery," also said, "Do not murder."
If you do not commit adultery but do murder, you have become a transgressor
of the law.  
So speak and so act as those who are to be judged under the law of liberty.
For judgement is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy.
Mercy triumphs over judgement.           James 2:8-13


A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another:
just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.
By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you
have love for one another.   [quoting Jesus in John 13:34-35]

For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.
For one will scarcely die for a righteous person--though perhaps for a 
good person one would dare even to die--but God shows his love for us
in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.    Romans 5:6-8