Have you ever watched children playing together with their toys? All is well until one child doesn't get her way. She tries to get what she wants, but the other child is unwilling and refuses.
"Fine! I'm not playing with you anymore!" she yells and storms off into another room.
The other child retorts "Fine!" I don't want to play with you either!" "Hmpf!"
Sadly, and to our shame, many married couples use similar methods to resolve conflicts. We easily take offense when we aren't getting what we want. We withdraw from our spouse. We put on a mean face and we say hurtful things them. The vicious cycle continues, going from bad to worse.
God's wisdom is far greater than our own. He calls us to respond his way in the midst of conflict and strife. The wife has a responsibility to obey God's instruction, whether the husband obeys or not. The husband has a responsibility to obey God's instruction, whether his wife obeys or not. Somebody must step up to the plate. We cannot wait for the other person to get it right all the time. Because truthfully, they won't. We won't either. If we let our offenses pile up, one on top of the other, we will find that we are crushed under their weight. It's like a trap and the only way out is to demonstrate Christ-likeness to our spouse.
Many people have unrealistic ideals for marriage. The idea that "Prince Charming" is going to come and sweep them off their feet and they will live "happily ever after" is lacking in biblical truth. I don't mean to sound pessimistic, but people who think this way will be in for a rude awakening. Marriage is work. Life in general is work! Especially if we make it our aim to learn of Christ and live according to his example. It's not a cake walk. As you are growing in him, a Christ-like response will not always come naturally to you. But oh, what joy you can experience when you have victory in Christ, as you respond his way when you are offended. Someone once said that as Christians "we will never be sinless, but we do sin less, and less, and less." We can grow and by the power of God's Word and his Holy Spirit working within our hearts, we can learn to glorify God, and show more love toward our spouse when the tough times come.
I believe in the wisdom and value of preparing for conflict and even "minor" disagreements beforehand. I want to be prepared to respond in the way that God has instructed me to. I have already tried my own way, the way that seems right to me, and it has resulted in pain and heartache in my heart and for my husband. I have begun to dig into the gold mine of 1 Peter 3 to find God's wisdom for me there. He has been teaching me this week how to think, what attitude to have, and how to respond when I feel hurt. He calls me to do "good" even if I am being wronged. I want to remember this when I feel hurt. He also calls me to be subject to my husband and be willing to yield to his leadership. This is a reflection of my trust in God. In the passage we will look at, we will see the attitude that God wants us to have, illustrated in his instructions to those who are in a servant/master relationship. Then we will also see Christ's example and how he responded when circumstances were far from being "peachy". Before I continue, allow me to share the passage with you. It's a little lengthy, but please read it through, I want you to see the context so that you can get the full benefit of seeing how these truths apply in your marriage.
Be subject for the Lord's sake to every human institution, whether it be to the
emperor as supreme, or to governors as sent by him to punish those who do evil
and to praise those who do good. For this is the will of God that by doing good
you should put to silence the ignorance of foolish people.
Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but
living as servants of God. Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God.
Honor the emperor.
Servants, be subject to your masters with all respect, not only to the good and
gentle but also to the unjust. For this is a gracious thing, when, mindful of God
one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly. For what credit is it if, when you sin and are
beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a
gracious thing in the sight of God.
For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you,
leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps.
He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth.
When he was reviled (abusive speech), he did not revile in return;
when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to
him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we
might die to sin and live to righteousness.
By his wounds you have been healed. For you were straying like sheep, but have
now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.
Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do
not obey the word, they may won without a word by the conduct of their wives,
when they see your respectful and pure conduct... 1 Peter 2:13-3:2
When I think about those times that I have felt hurt by something my husband has said or done, I realize that the attitude of Christ has not been mine. Instead, my attitude has been one of retribution. I want him to feel hurt too. My husband is a kind man and he loves me dearly, so I do not wish to paint an ugly picture for you. But, like everyone else, we have disagreements, we offend each other, and we fail to love one another perfectly. Please don't ever get the unrealistic notion that others don't have problems in their marriages. I will say this though, by God's grace, we have come a long way! Things really do get better and better. We love each other more today than we did when we married over 16 years ago. But the Word of God still continues to mold us, to change our thinking and our actions.
I am learning to respond, rather than react. To be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger (James 1:19). Sometimes a conflict will surprise you, you won't even see it coming until all of sudden, there you are! Something you have said or done has offended your spouse or they have said or done something to hurt you. It is in these moments that we must consider him. The Shepherd and Overseer of our souls who knows what we are going through and calls us to respond as he did to the cruelest hate we could ever imagine experiencing.
Jesus was not about "payback". He was all about trusting in God to work out his will and having a forgiving attitude. Just think of what he endured. Mocking, spitting in his face, beatings, cruel words. These are the worst of the worst. How often are we satisfied with nothing less than being treated like a queen and our emotions flare up when we don't get that kind of treatment? We cry and lament that we deserve better, yet we are unwilling to be obedient ourselves. Even Christ himself, the King of kings did not get what he deserved. And he is worthy of all honor and praise. In reality, we are not. We are his servants because of what he endured for us. Let us follow his example.
He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree,
that we might die to sin and live to righteousness.
By his wounds you have been healed. (3:24)
"And when he suffered all manner of injuries and indignities at once, being buffeted, spit upon, crowned with thorns, and crucified, though he had power sufficient to look them into nothing, to frown them into hell, yet he threatened them not with the least revenge, but prayed for his murderers, and committed his cause to a just and righteous God: He threatened not, but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously."
{Taken from William Burkitt's Notes on the New Testament.}
God give me grace to respond to even the slightest offense with
a tender heart and a humble mind. Instead of repaying evil for
evil or reviling for reviling, may I, by your grace and power
working within me...BLESS. This is my calling in Christ Jesus
and it is only in his name that I can pray to you at all, thank you Lord.
Amen.
(1 Peter 3:8-9)
(1 Peter 3:8-9)
Part two: Competing or completing?
[re-posted from the archives of my former blog // dated 9.7.2011]
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