Competing or completing {pt. 2}

{pt.1 of this series: Christ's example for my marriage}

  Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone;

I will make him a helper fit for him...so the LORD God caused a deep 

sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept he took one of his ribs and 

closed up its place with flesh.  And the rib that the LORD God had taken

from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.  

Then the man said, 

"This at last is bone of my bones

and flesh of my flesh;

she shall be called Woman,

because she was taken out of Man."

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his

wife, and they shall become one flesh.  Genesis 2: 18,21-24

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if 
some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct

of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.  1 Peter 3:1-2

subject: recognition of an ordered structure 

to which appropriate respect is shown.

   God's created order and divine plan for marriage is so often misunderstood and misapplied.  Submission seems to be a dirty word to many.  It brings up ugly images in our minds of a harsh husband not allowing his wife to have a say in anything and demanding that she do what she is told.  In cases like this, the problem is not with God's created order, but with the husband who is failing to love and abusing his position.  Let us not get them confused and think poorly of submission simply because some abuse their role.

   Submission is a willingness to follow your husband's lead.  It's an attitude of trust in God and respect for the role that God has assigned to your husband to be the leader of the home.  There cannot be two leaders going in two different directions.  That does not work in any relationship, whether it's a supervisor leading his employees or a parent/child relationship.  One must ultimately be subject to the other.  People fight this order all the time and the result is a breakdown in relationships, disunity, and bitterness.

   I have noticed a common theme in "family" movies for example.  Parents are often portrayed as being "out of touch" or bound by their cultural and generational predjudices.  Their children supposedly know better than they do.  An issue comes up where the child really wants to do something, something noble even, and the parent firmly says no to their request.  You often get the sense that the parent is being unreasonable and too stern.  "How could they be so cruel as to allow their personal fears to hinder their son's or daughter's from following their dreams?!"

The child then proceeds to go behind their parents back and do what they wanted anyway, in order to accomplish the "greater good", or to simply get what they desire.  The viewer is left thinking that the child must have done the right thing because of the way things turned out, but does the end justify the means?  Should our children only obey us when it suits them or the circumstances?  Children are taught by God to obey their parents "for this is right" (Eph. 6:1)  He doesn't say to only obey if it's convenient for you or if you agree with them.  There are ways to respectfully approach a parent so that you can communicate, understand, and share your input.  But children should have a heart that is willing to yield to the God-given authority of their parents, this brings blessing.

   Now, I know this post is not about parents and children.  It's about husbands and wives.  But I want you to see the parallels here.  Personally, I struggle with submission because I want to be the one controlling things.  Especially when my husband wants to do something that I don't want to do.  It's kind of odd, but I have done better with following my husband's lead in the big events than I have in the smaller every day events.  

   I was willing to sell many of our belongings and pack up the rest to come down and go to Bible college.  I was willing to follow him as he left a high paying job to move to another state without a job.  But I find that it is harder to yield in smaller decisions.  Sometimes I fear, I doubt, I question, I react, I think I know better even before I get the whole story.  I rashly jump to conclusions, I speak too quickly and in a tone of disrespect I shoot the idea down and try to talk him out of it.  Ugh.  Believe me it hasn't been pretty and it's certainly not godly either.  By God's grace most of these kinds of responses have taken place behind closed doors, but make no mistake about it, our children are watching the way we wives respond to our husbands.  Are they seeing submission or rebellion?  How much more difficult will it be for them to submit to their parents,  if they see mom resisting dad's leadership at every turn?

The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer,

but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.  

Proverbs 15:28

  Submission is fleshed out in those little instances that come up on day to day basis.  It is so much better when I take time to pray and carefully think through how to respond.  I can speak to my husband with an attitude of respect and share my concerns with him, all the while showing a willingness to follow his lead even if I disagree with the direction he wants to go in.  As long as he is not asking me to disobey God, I should yield to his leadership.  God doesn't say "Be subject to your husband if he always behaves in a godly way and always makes wise decisions."  No man is like that.  They are just as flawed as we are.  My willingness to be subject to my husband, even though he will not be a perfectly flawless leader, is a reflection of my hope in a sovereign God.

   In 1 Peter 3:1, God's command to be subject to your husbands applies to every wife...

...so that even if some do not obey the word they may be won 

without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see

your respectful and pure conduct.

   Whether you have a very godly husband who walks with God, or a husband who doesn't even know the Lord, he is your husband and God wants you to be subject to him.  Your attitude of respect and your pure conduct is so powerful that it can lead your husband to the very Christ who gives you the strength to honor Him.  This applies to women with Christian husbands too.  When you behave this way it points him to Christ. Do any of us have a husband that is always on the right track and obeys God perfectly?  He will have moments of failure.  He will probably make some poor choices.  The call to be subject is still the same.

  Notice, though, that while our conduct is to be respectful, it should also be pure.  This rules out going along with sin in order to do what our husband says.  That is never acceptable for any Christian.  In this sense, you could be the agent that God uses to guide your husband onto the path of doing what is right.  It doesn't make sense that God would be saying that we should never speak, exhort, encourage, reprove, rebuke, these are all responsibilities we have as Christians.  Please, by all means, do this privately and respectfully and pray about it first.  Take your time, don't rush it.  Make sure your attitude and heart are right before you speak.  It is certainly possible for our words to be effective, but they can also be ineffective, especially if we are not careful. But more so than our words, it is our "walk" that speaks the loudest.

  Most people have heard the phrase "actions speak louder than words."  If all you're doing is pointing out his faults, and nagging him about doing what he ought to be doing, but you neglect to cultivate your own godly character and demonstrate it, what good is that?  God is saying that putting feet to our faith in every situation is the best evidence of the inward reality.  It is such a powerful example that God can use to convict him of his own wrong.  But regardless of his response, you must do what is right without fearing the consequences.  That really is God's call to all Christians in the whole of this letter.  Do what is right, regardless of circumstance and do not fear the consequences. 

   We are pointed to the example of Sarah and Abraham in this passage.  They had their strengths and their weaknesses, just as we all do.  But God is always teaching his people to focus on him and on eternity rather than the temporary things of this world.  These are lessons that they had to learn, just as we do.  More on that in my next post.

Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded,

set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation

of Jesus Christ.  As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions

of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy

in all your conduct, since it is written, 

"You shall be holy, for I am holy."

Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly

love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart, since you have been born

again, not of perishable seed but of imperishable, through the living and abiding

word of God; for 

"All flesh is like grass and all its glory 

like the flower of the grass.

The grass withers, and the flower falls,

but the word of the Lord remains forever."

And this word is the good news that was preached to you.  1Peter 1:13-16, 22-25

Part three: From the inside, out