My husband's phone call came late in the evening. The simple question "How are you?" made me wonder where in the world I could begin. How could I possibly sum up the multitude of emotions that had been experienced in the past two hours? An afternoon full of child rearing challenges is not so easy to sum up.
When my child does that thing they do again and surely they know it's wrong!
There are things that I am teaching my children over, and over, and over again. To the point where I wonder if I am getting through. Are they getting what I am saying?! Is it sinking in? Their actions often speak the cold, hard truth...if anything has sunk in, it hasn't sunk in deep enough...despite my best efforts to instill it.
Do they know how often I pray for strength to teach them what is right...do they know that it is not always what I feel like doing, yet I do it anyway?
Do they realize how much I love, how much I care, how much it matters to me that they have good character...godly character?
That the sibling my little one's yell at now, could someday be the friend, the co-worker, the spouse they yell at in the future?
That toy they are bursting into tears over is far less important than cultivating a heart that is content and trusting God in every circumstance?
That lashing out to hurt those who have hurt you "does not bring about the righteousness of God" (James 1:19) and that it actually makes things worse?
As their mother, I see it so clearly. I see the error of their ways. I know of much better ways for them to handle their problems and yet at the same time, I am learning to handle my own. And both of these have me hanging on God's Words for dear life. Without it, I would be utterly lost.
I know, they are children, they are immature. I should not be surprised when that shows. But whether I am surprised or not...it's tough stuff being a mommy. Sometimes, one day runs into the next and it seems to be a blur of activity. And most of the activity consists of cleaning up messes, the physical and the spiritual.
It can begin to feel like you're doing the same things over and over again. It can be easy to lose sight of all the joy mingled in with the pain. The pain is often at the forefront...sometimes we just need to push it back a bit and remember that there are good things happening, there are things to be glad about...we can't forget that.
Sometimes I think about my children being grown adults with families of their own. And I wonder what they will be like. Ultimately, who they are deep inside is a matter between them and God, but I sure hope and pray that these things I am striving to teach them each and every day will really take hold in their hearts. I have cried my heart out to God for it. And admittedly, sometimes I want them to grasp things because it does make things better for me and for others...but most of all I want things to be better for them...and for God to be honored and glorified.
I feel like I'm on a bit of an uphill climb as a mommy lately. I just keep looking up to God and putting one foot in front of the other. Pray for me as I pray for you...that we would be faithful to God, to be wise and attentive mothers, by God's grace, and to spend all the time it takes to point out the paths of wisdom and righteousness to our children. Even if it means we have to keep getting back on them ourselves.
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On a lighter note...
~Today my daughter, Brienne used her birthday money to generously buy little gifts for her siblings at the dollar store. And she enjoyed it too. My heart was touched.
~Today, for the first time in a long time, Brienne really wanted to pray and thank God for our dinner. She said the sweetest prayer, thanking God, mainly for me, and for specific blessings she enjoyed today.
~Today my boys were the funniest brothers! Laughing together, running around like crazy and honestly enjoying each others company. Ahhh...I just have to thank God for these things. He is good through all the joy and the pain. Always good.
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