When uncertainty leaves you feeling weary

"Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life—gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises. 

When we become simply a promoter or a defender of a particular belief, something within us dies. That is not believing God—it is only believing our belief about Him. 

Jesus said, “. . . unless you . . . become as little children . . .” (Matthew 18:3). The spiritual life is the life of a child. We are not uncertain of God, just uncertain of what He is going to do next. If our certainty is only in our beliefs, we develop a sense of self-righteousness, become overly critical, and are limited by the view that our beliefs are complete and settled. But when we have the right relationship with God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy. Jesus said, “. . . believe also in Me” (John 14:1), not, “Believe certain things about Me”. 

Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in—but you can be certain that He will come. Remain faithful to Him."  

(From "My Utmost for his Highest" by Oswald Chambers)

We are currently in the process of trying to sell a home.  It is stressful on many levels.  It is a process that I look forward to be done with.  I don't like uncertainty, I don't like waiting on papers, decisions and processes.  I didn't say that I'm not asking God for the grace to be patient through it all.  I'm just saying it's been difficult.

We had our house under contract but after a rather lengthy inspection report was written up on our home our buyers were scared out of the deal.  I remember the day the friendly inspector came to our house and walked down the hall and into rooms holding his little notebook and a pen.  I was in good spirits.  I was hopeful and pretty sure he wouldn't find much.  It was a very rainy day when he came and after he had inspected almost everything he stood in our driveway preparing himself to go into the crawlspace.  After I asked him a question about receiving the results of the inspection, he was so reassuring that he had found nothing major to speak of.  My hopes soared even higher.  Everything seemed to be going so well.

I won't get into the details of the report but issues were reported that we did not even know existed.  We are hoping that they are quick fixes and of course, we are also hoping that they don't cost much.  And this is the hard part for me.  This having to fix things in order to sell this home and move forward into the future.  It begins to feel like a heavy weight that I want to be rid of.  I grow weary of living in the reality of the maybes and the if onlys and sometimes the what ifs?  The what ifs come in both positive and negative form.  I'm either hoping for something great (which is sometimes what I want and not what God has for me) or dreading something bad.  It's possible with  either one of those to take my focus off of God's perfect plan for us.

It seems that my husband and I are constantly taking turns bolstering each other's faith and encouraging each other to trust God.  When I am weak, he is strong and vice versa.  I can only speak for myself when I say that part of my weariness is with myself.  I am tired of being tested.  I want to prove that I can trust God and not worry about a thing just one time, not over and over again.  I want to have victory over those things and be done with the battle but much to my dismay it is ongoing.  Anxiety rears it's ugly head and sometimes it is hard to just go to God and give it up.  But I do it.  Sometimes I take a little too long to do it, but I come eventually.  And I always wish that I had come sooner.  

I don't know how all of this home selling and home buying is going to turn out but I am walking by faith.  I'm trusting that my God makes no mistakes and that he knows all things and can do all things.  He is the beginning and the end.  He is love and he is ever so good.

I was reminded through a friend's post yesterday on Facebook to "continue earnestly in prayer, being vigilant in it with thanksgiving" (Col. 4:2).  This evening it came to mind again as I thought about the thankful heart that needed to replace my stressed out and anxious one.  My thinking began to change.  The home that we have here went from being a burden we are bearing to the blessing God has given.  What comforts we have had and will have for the next few days until we leave!  I can be such an ungrateful child.  It's like that when your problems seem to be bigger than everything else in your life.  You focus on them and all your heart does is complain.

I don't want to be like God's people so long ago.  He is still the same God who parted the waters of the Red Sea so that his children could cross on dry ground.  I want to revel in that.  I want to thank him and remember all of the great things he has done for me.  I want to thank him simply for being who he is.  I want to continue to believe that he knows what he is doing even though I don't understand why he's doing it.

As I sit talking about it all with tears streaming down my face, my husband reminds me again "Marisha, God is going to do something great."  "He is going to glorify himself."  And I wonder why I seem to so easily forget that.  That even through my troubles and disappointments he is still working.

My heart begins to respond in faith though I don't say a word...Yes, honey.  You're right about God.  It may not be what we expect or imagine but we can be confident in that he has a plan for our good.

My husband has been such an encouragement to me.  I was also encouraged this morning as I read Psalm 36...

Your steadfast love, O LORD, extends to the heavens,

your faithfulness to the clouds.

Your righteousness is like the mountains of God;

your judgments are like the great deep;

man and beast you save, O LORD.

How precious is your steadfast love, O God!

The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings.

They feast on the abundance of your house, 

and you give them drink from the river of your delights.

For with you is the fountain of life;

in your light do we see light.

Psalm 36:5-9