The thing is, I started off well, or so I thought. It was the children who needed to learn to love each other with their words, with their consideration of others feelings, with their attitudes and actions. I didn't wake up expecting that the day would be so full of difficulty. Sure, there is always some measure of it. But it's hard when it comes in large amounts. It's hard when the challenges overwhelm and burden. It stretches you thin when a child comes to you again with another issue to handle. When he did this and she did that. When feelings are hurt and the finger is pointed to the other person. You know, the one with the problem. Oh, how we all feel so justified in pointing the finger at someone else!
It was sometime in the afternoon when three "little learners" (so needy of knowing God's love and showing it to others) filed in the door to report each others transgressions to their mother. Mommy had had just about enough at this point. Were they even trying? Did they realize how grievous their errors were? Had they noticed that this kind of thing was happening way too much for a mom to handle in one day?!
I hit a weak spot. A very tender and weak spot. So weak that I felt I had lost my ability to help, reason or process solutions. Or at least it felt that way. All three children were sent to separate rooms to wait. Mommy was going to pray and there would be a lot of crying to go along with it. I'm talking the kind of crying where your eyes are closed tight in agony and you're chest heaves and the tears pour out. I mean the kind of crying where your heart cries out to God for help because you don't know what to do next. It's not pleasant but it's necessary. Because the truth is, that in our weakness he is strong. And realizing how much we need him is always a step in the right direction.
I'm so thankful my husband was able to walk over and sit down with the kids and I. I'm glad he was able to bring a fresh and ready mind to help in the situation. I'm not too proud to admit that sometimes the boost, the back up and the encouragement are so very needed. I figured, in this case, that calling him out of work wasn't too bad of an idea since he hadn't taken a lunch break yet. ;) And he was glad to come and he spoke and they listened and I prayed that it would all sink in.
But, honestly, I still had myself to deal with. The whole thing put me in a sour mood and it wasn't until shortly before the aforementioned prayer meeting that I began to realize just how grumpy I was. Sure, I felt I had every right to be with the way things were going. But wait... what about the whole reason this ordeal started? What about the need to love others, to forgive, to show mercy and grace? I had been trying to get it through to my kids with words but where was my example? I thought of how I spent the day just plowing through, doing what needed to be done but with tired and frustrated expressions on my face. I just wanted the day to be finished. I couldn't wait for quiet time to be alone with no problems to solve or sin to correct. And now I was beginning to see my own. It's not a pleasant feeling to be getting ready for church, mentally making the effort to set your problems aside so you can...love others. Was I more concerned about loving and encouraging my fellow believers than I had been for my children all day long? It was a stunning realization.
All through the service a thought lingered in my mind. I knew that as soon as I was "home" with the kids that I would gather them all close and ask their forgiveness. I had failed to love them in a godly way. I had failed to do the very thing I had told them they ought to be doing. I had not truly loved them.
After the service, and after everyone but our family had left to go home, the children and I waited for my husband to lock up the doors. It was dark outside and they were happily playing in the grass. All the day's cares seemed to have been forgotten but I knew better. I know that people can act like they're just fine even when they're hurting. I know that grumpy, irritated expressions and actions can leave their mark. I cannot erase those marks completely but by God's grace I can smudge the lines. By God's grace there can be healing, restoration and forgiveness.
As I sat on the bench in front of the church, I decided that I didn't want to let any more time pass before my children knew my heart. I called them to come close and expressed my sorrow and regret over a day that was made to be more difficult because of my attitude. I took ownership of the fact that I had failed to love them as I should and as God wants me to. And I hugged them tight all together in one big circle. And you probably won't be surprised when I tell you that they were so willing to forgive and to smile and hug me back. Children are usually very good at that sort of thing, aren't they? It often makes a mother's heart melt.
And though I know that my love for them will never be perfect, I never want to presume upon their willingness to forgive. It requires prayer, resolve, effort, and finding my strength in God to love these little people in those very difficult moments.
Lord, help me to love as beautifully and as completely as you do. May my children see that your steadfast love is so powerful that it has made a deep impression in my heart, affecting the way I live in each and every moment you give me. When I feel weak, help me to remember to turn to you quickly. Help me to remember your steadfast love, how much it means to me and how important it is for me to be a reflection of that love in every thought, word and action. I thank you that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
No comments:
Post a Comment