He still speaks to the waves

Have you ever been just going through your day to day routine, rolling with the punches, trying to keep your head up above it all, and you don't even realize how everything you are going through is affecting you until you sit down and begin to talk about it?  And suddenly, though you didn't even see it coming, you are in tears?  It's like the flood gates open up and you find that the more you talk about it, the more you begin to realize how afraid and worried you have been.

You begin to question how long it has been since you called worry by its ugly name and confessed it to God and sought his help.  Worry is a terrible vision clouder and faith blocker.  It creeps up on the best of us.  I have often made the distinct choice not to worry and instead to trust.  But life is full of the new, the unexpected, and the uncertain.  It's not easy for us to humbly depend on God.  Because of all that we can't see, we forget that he sees all.  We forget that he has seen all since the beginning of time.

Our worry makes us feel like we are drowning.  It's like we cannot gain a foothold.  We are so frantically trying to stay above the waves that we have lost our focus on the One who calms them.

Lately, I have been reflecting on Psalm 77.  I keep going back to it because one of the questions that the psalmist asks there made such an impression on my heart...

"Has God forgotten to be gracious?"

If you read this psalm, you will see that this man was so greatly troubled that he couldn't sleep at night.  He was really going through it.  And whenever we are really going through it we struggle with how we think about God.  It's easy to say "God is so good!" when things are going well.  But sometimes the things that happen in our lives can cause us to question so much.  We may never even articulate it but we feel shaken, daunted and upset.

The psalmist is in agony of soul, he is crying out to God, his thoughts are raging.  Have you ever suddenly woken up at three am, eyes wide open, heart racing and felt the waves of worry and fear sweep over you?
Huge hospital bills can do this to us.  A lack of confidence in our abilities can do it.  The pain of suffering through an offense someone caused you can do it.  And through all of these difficulties we wonder what our God is up to.  We wonder how it will turn out for us.  How hurt and wounded will we be?  How much will he ask us to endure?  It frightens us at times.  And sadly, it can cause us to call God's character into question.

It is right there that we need to focus our attention.  Like the psalmist, our souls should "make a diligent search" with these questions that have obvious, "no-brainer" type answers.

"Will the Lord spurn forever and never again be favorable?"

"Has his steadfast love forever ceased?"

"Are his promises at an end for all time?"

"Has God forgotten to be gracious?"

"Has he in anger shut up his compassion?"

Of course the answer to all of those questions is "No, of course not!"  That is the conclusion that we must come to as we remember who God is.

The problem is not with our God, it is with our tendency to doubt him.  We think that something is probably going to happen to us and it will be as if God is taking his love away.  We doubt his promises and his power to provide for our every need.  We think that somehow we will slip his mind and be overlooked.  Our view of God begins to be distorted the more we worry.  The remedy to our problem of doubt is to renew our trust in God and to remember who he is and what he has done.

The psalmist made this choice.  He said "Your way, O God, is holy."  He looks back and recounts how God has led his people like a flock, by the hand of Moses and Aaron.  He says "Your way was through the sea, your path through the great waters; yet your footprints were unseen."

I cannot help but think of God's amazing power in parting the Red Sea for his people.  Think of it!  Deep waters that no one could possibly move or make it through.  An impossibility with an everything is possible God on their side.  We serve the very same God!  Don't allow your circumstances to cause you to lose sight of his power, his love and care for you soul, and the fact that he is leading you.  Often it is when the waves are raging or the prospects look bleak that we learn to trust and depend the most.  Even the wind and the seas obey him.  How can we ever doubt that he can help us?

So much to learn

As a new believer, I remember how panicked I felt when I thought of teaching my children the Bible.  I looked around me and saw other parents who had grown up in the faith and I felt tremendously inadequate.  These parents knew the Old Testament accounts.  They could probably tell them in their sleep!  I knew nothing!  I wondered how I was going to teach my children from such an empty well of knowledge.

It wasn't long before I realized that I would need to learn and then teach.  And not only that, sometimes I would learn right along with them.  It still happens even today.  There is so much that I am learning and so much I have yet to learn.  Yes, I am a mother of eight.  Yes, I am a pastor's wife.  But I am still learning.  Every.single.day.

Not all learning is filling your head with knowledge, although that is part of it.  Much of what we need to learn is in the lived out moments that we experience every day.  Sometimes we feel a measure of success as we evaluate our progress in living out our faith.  I have written many times about such things here on this blog.  But there is also the very real, nitty gritty, hard stuff that we don't really like to talk about.  The areas where we know we lack yet we feel as though we should be beyond it by now.  But you know what?  There is grace.  I am so thankful for grace when it comes to my shortcomings.  Without it, I would be completely undone.

You see, when I read in John 13 of my Lord Jesus tying a towel around his waist to wash the dirty feet of those who would forsake, deny and betray...I see my shortcomings bold and plain.  What kind of servant am I, if I love only those who love me?  What kind of servant am I, if I pick and choose whom I will be gracious to and purposefully avoid some?  What kind of servant am I, if I do not freely give as even I have been freely given to?  I am keenly aware of my need to grow as a servant.  Not only to be like my Lord but I am also learning from the example of others in the family of God.

Can I tell you what this family has shown me?  I have seen people who are very concerned about what needs there are and they seek to meet them with the resources that God has provided.  People who take time out of their personal schedule to help someone else.  People who are inconvenienced so that someone else can benefit.  I have seen sacrifices of time, money, and the choice to love in difficult situations.  I have been blessed to the point of tears by how loving and caring this church family is.

And you know what?  They are teaching me too.  How can a person not be taught by someone who offers to help and is willing to do whatever they can with the hands and the strength that God has given them?  How can a person not be taught by someone who drops by to bring you something special and brighten your day?  How can you not be taught by a mom who is very busy with her own kids yet she brings you a meal?  How can you not be taught something of the precious beauty of sacrificial giving when a woman places a gift in your pocket and tears are in her eyes.  And it's not long before tears well up in yours because you know that it is the Spirit of God that prompts such giving.  And in every instance it is the hands being used of God to reach out to someone else.  To meet needs, to bless, and as I am realizing, to teach.

Have you ever learned from the example of someone else?  How is your life teaching others to be more like Jesus?

cinnamon walnut biscotti

Life is beginning to feel a little more "normal".  I'm actually baking things in my kitchen!!  I also ventured outside with my kids today.  I haven't done that in a while.  Some of them rode scooters up and down the sidewalk, others ran behind giggling all the way.  It was good for them and it was also good for me.  The warmth of the sunshine felt wonderful.

The fact that I am posting a recipe today is completely unplanned and spontaneous.  Creative exploration  in the kitchen began last night as I prepared dinner.  I really wanted something bread-like to go with our bowtie pasta and salad.  I needed it to be quick and easy and only include ingredients that I had on hand.  Have I mentioned that we recently discovered a rosemary bush growing in our backyard?  You should have heard Brienne's squeals!  She knew I would be delighted since rosemary is one of my favorite things.  I thank God for blessing us with it because it sure came in handy for the biscuit recipe we tried.

So anyway, the biscuits were yummy and being able to just grab a sprig of rosemary from the backyard was such a thrill to me.  I really ought to get my own garden going.  It was also fun to try something new.

Well, today the trying of new things happily continued.  Since Brienne is on a baking kick lately, this morning I found her leafing through one of my recipe books.  It wasn't long before she enthusiastically asked me if we could bake a biscotti recipe.  How could I refuse?  You all know how much I like biscotti, right?  The thing was, we had to consider the ingredients we had on hand.  It's kind of like a fun game for us.  We look at what we have and we decide what we can do with it.

Recently, a sweet lady at church had given us a big bag of walnuts which we have been snacking on for weeks.  Thankfully, we still had plenty leftover to throw into this recipe.  It came together so well.

I love the soft and subtle crunch of the walnuts paired with the light taste of cinnamon.  And, of course, dunking them in a hot cup of coffee makes the perfect combination.

cinnamon walnut biscotti
{makes 24 biscotti}

Ingredients:

2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
3/4 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. salt
1 1/4 tsp. cinnamon
3/4 cup stick butter, softened
1 cup sugar
2 eggs
1 1/2 tsp. vanilla extract
1 cup walnut pieces, lightly toasted

DIRECTIONS: 
Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.  
Grease a baking sheet.

1.  In a large bowl, combine the first four dry ingredients and stir to combine with a wire whisk.  Set aside.
2.   With a mixer, cream the softened butter until fluffy, then gradually add the sugar as you mix.  Add each egg, one at a time and continue to mix.  Then add the vanilla extract.  Mix to combine.  Gradually add the dry ingredient mixture to the butter mixture and stir to combine and form a dough.  Set aside.
3.  To toast walnuts, heat a skillet over medium-high heat.  Toast the walnuts in the skillet for about four minutes.  Transfer to a cutting board and chop into small bits.  Stir the walnuts into the dough.
4.  Divide the dough in half.  Use flour on your hands to prevent stickiness.  Transfer dough to a baking sheet and form into 12" logs.  Flatten them out on the cookie sheet to about 1" thickness.
5.  Bake for 25-30 minutes, then cool on the baking sheet for 15 minutes.  Carefully transfer to a cutting board and cut into slices.  Place them (cut side up) on a baking sheet and bake for 5 minutes.  Then, turn them over (your hands are the simply the best tool for this) and bake them for 5 minutes more.  Allow the biscotti to cool on the baking sheet for 2 minutes, then transfer to a cooling rack.

These really are super easy to make.  But they will be such a special treat with your morning cup of coffee.  They will also make a great little gift when sealed up in pretty package and given to a friend.

I could have done better at that // My life as it is

"Everything about which we are tempted to complain may be the very instrument whereby the Potter intends to shape his clay into the image of his Son..."  --from "Keep a Quiet Heart" by Elisabeth Elliot

Simply overwhelmed...
You know, even in the midst of all that needs to be done, it is refreshing to sit down and collect my thoughts and write about the way things are.  You might read this and think that I ought to be unpacking boxes instead of writing about how overwhelmed I feel.  But, please understand, the thinking through, the writing and the sharing simply helps.  It helps a great deal.  And I hope that the reality of the struggles I face will encourage you in yours.  Because whose life is perfect anyway?  So here it is...my life lately...

Sometimes it just feels like there is too much happening and too much that needs to be accomplished.  This overwhelmed feeling has become very familiar to me, especially in the past year or so.  There are many new things in my life and I have been through some big changes.  For one, I live in a new state.  We moved from one side of the continent to the other.  And I don't even have my official state driver's license yet because I failed the written test twice.  The rule at the DMV is three strikes and you're out so after failing twice, I decided to pick my jaw up off of the floor and take home the book to study out all of the particulars of driving in California rather than pay the fee again.  I was so shocked that I didn't pass!  That's what I get for my over- confidence.  I thought, why would I need to study for something I've been doing for over eighteen years?!  Well, obviously I thought wrong.  It's time to study that book because my temporary license will expire soon.

Things don't always go as smoothly as I'd like...
My tendency to be laid back and take a calm approach is sometimes helpful but other times it can result in my not being as prepared as I thought I was.  Like the morning of my C-section when we went to the wrong hospital.  Can I just say, this was my eighth baby and I don't think I have ever gone on a hospital tour before delivery.  My mentality has always been "I'll show up and I'll be told where to go".  Simple, right?  Well, not so simple when on the morning of your scheduled surgery you go to the wrong hospital!  In our defense, we went to the one they told us to go to at the Pre-Op appointment.  But here's the thing: both hospitals have the same word in their name.  Thankfully, they are pretty close to each other so we were still able to make it on time.  But I knew I was in trouble when the lady behind the desk at the first hospital had no record of me and asked if I went to a Pre-Op appointment.  She also told me that she had noticed that I was pregnant but she didn't want to outright ask me when I walked in.  Her words..."You're in the wrong place..."  were pretty hard for me to take.  She also said, "I'll call them and tell them you're on your way."  I could have done without that as well.  I was already embarrassed enough.  It all turned out well in the end but I felt pretty bad about getting the hospitals mixed up on such an important day of my life.  Please don't get the wrong idea about me, I rather like having all my ducks in a row, being prepared and knowing what I am doing.  But that was not my day to shine.

My life as it is...
Honestly, I haven't felt very "shiny" lately.  Life has felt dulled by the constant presence of cardboard boxes and bags of things I want to donate.  I have felt like a woman scrambling, hurrying, over-exerting, and multi-plate spinning.  I have felt like I never have enough time to accomplish what I need to do.  There have been peaks where I really gain some traction and bring a task to completion (man, that's a good feeling!) but there have been so many valleys where I just don't know where to start.  Times where I have just sat there and prayed because I feel like I am spinning my wheels and getting nowhere.  "Where do I begin, Lord?...help me!"  It seems that not long after I sort through umpteen boxes of clothing that each room gets slammed with more laundry.  Because it doesn't stop needing to be washed, dried and folded when you're moving in to a house.  Oh, and let's not forget the putting away part.  ;)

Most of the conversations my husband and I have had lately consist of relaying to each other what we plan to accomplish that day.  And he has a job to do that requires a lot of him and he's been coming home in the evenings to work on the house.  I told him that I don't know how he is doing it and of course his response was "By God's grace..."

And I am homeschooling and recovering from surgery and getting adjusted to a caring for a newborn again and just longing for everything to be in it's place.  It really starts to get to me.  I didn't realize how just how much until a few mornings ago when I sat alone with my husband and began the attempt to articulate the way I feel lately.

You don't know how many times I have just wished I could snap my fingers and have everything put away.  I do consider a job well done very rewarding and it's not that I am against hard work.  But it seems that so much has to come together for me to be able to dig into a task.  My children must be fed, taken care of, occupied (hopefully there is a job I can give them) and not only that, I must have the energy and motivation to tackle the project.  Please hear me, I am not complaining.  This is just what I am going through.

I really am doing the best I can...
So there I was with my husband.  Telling him all.  Telling him that I really feel like I should be moved in by now.  For one thing people who come over are still seeing boxes and things out of place and how long ago did we start moving in?!!

"Marisha, stop worrying about what other people think, just focus on doing your best for God."

And my tears came.  And I realized that some pressure to get things done is good, but sometimes we put undue pressure on ourselves and our souls just need to be at rest.  To start each day with a desire to honor God with the work of our hands and to do what we can but we cannot do it all.  Because life is happening and there are things that you and I are going through.  For me, a new life in a new place with a new baby.  And all of these new things come with new challenges, like the dishwasher that overflowed with water onto our kitchen floor this morning.  Later on the phone, my husband and I had a hearty laugh about the whole ordeal, AFTER THE FACT.  But when things like that happen you always feel like it's the LAST thing you needed at that moment.  It was upsetting and I nearly slipped and fell when I was sopping up the water with towels.  So we are getting to know this house with all of its quirks and making decisions about what we need to fix and when.  Sometimes I minimize how big these changes in my life really are.  But I'm realizing that sometimes they are big to me.  But I know that my God is bigger and I will grow through this and he is with me through it all, giving me grace and strength to carry on.

So with the challenges I am facing, I do feel weak.  I feel the dullness of the daily grind of unpacking more boxes in the midst of all of my other responsibilities.   I feel the pressure of the things that need doing and fixing.  But here is the thing.  I cannot let it consume me.  I cannot keep putting off important things because of all of this work that needs to be done.  We still have people over, though things aren't picture perfect right now.  And I still need to have fun with my family and not feel guilty because there is work that still needs to be accomplished.  It's always there!

I put it off for too long...
Last week I gave up telling myself the story that as soon as I sat down and made an "official" schedule that I would begin my "Bible Time" with the kids in the mornings.  Why is it that when I am in "survival mode" that I think we can survive by dropping that from our daily schedule?!  It goes against everything I know to be true and right but I confess I did it anyway.  I figured that our after-dinner time with dad would be enough.  It takes some energy and the wherewithal to teach a group of energetic kids a Bible lesson so I put it on hold for a while.  Until this past week when I thought "What am I waiting for?!" and I pulled out the book we were using and told them that TODAY we were going to have Bible Time.  They actually got excited about it, they cheered, and I think I even heard a couple of them shout "YAY!".  And I just felt rebuked that I had put it off for so long.  But it's just the way that my brain works sometimes.  I think "First this and then that."  Sometimes it's a good thing because I am trying to prioritize and keep my sanity.  But in this case I don't think I was prioritizing so well.  We were basically getting by but I know I could have done better.  Isn't it a wonderful thing that we as parents have so much capacity to teach our children about God?!  It is such a privilege that I have neglected far too often, to my shame.

My husband's exciting project...
The extra projects we have been doing have certainly added to our workload.  And add to that the things that need fixing and installing.  We STILL have a few of those things on our list of things to do.  But even though those extra projects have slowed things down a bit, I wouldn't trade every boxed unpacked for the sight of my husband's enthusiasm and excitement over the butcher block counter top he has been putting together out in the garage.  It's been a long while since I have seen him get excited over a project and the light in his eyes as he plans and carries out his ideas is priceless.  I can't wait until  we can enjoy using it and have a little more counter space.  :)

So much I look forward to...yet enjoying life as it is...
There is so much that I want to do.  Not only in this house but outside of it as well.  Coffee dates, Bible studies, trips to the park and all of that!  There are things that will definitely make their way into our schedule eventually but I simply cannot put them there yet.  I just have to do the best I can to honor God with the hours that he gives me.  And lately that mostly consists of feeding, burping, changing and loving on our sweet baby boy and trying to take the time to show all of the others that I still have enough love for them too.  That shows itself in different ways.  The other night I enjoyed just sitting on the couch in our family room and laughing, recounting stories we've heard, movies we've seen, memories that meant something and Javi's hilarious retelling of Goldilocks and the Three Bears.  He kept tacking on "...and she KNEW she wasn't supposed to do that!"  He had us all cracking up.  These are just simple moments of being together.  Nothing flashy or earth shattering.  Just us, together.  Sometimes you just gotta keep it simple and enjoy life as it is.

From a shaky start to a firm resolve {my marriage story}

A shaky start...
There I was, seventeen and fresh out of boot camp and several weeks of Tech. school.  I had joined the Air Force because it was all I had ever known and all I thought I would be able to do at that time in my life.  It got me out on my own and it got me out of North Dakota where I had spent my last two years of high school, freezing like never before and wondering what to do with my life.

I met my husband in a room full of chairs and a handful of young airmen in uniform.  We were there for "in processing" to our base.  We had both been stationed in New Mexico.

Things happened very fast for us.  And you know, it's funny how a person can think they are having so much fun with their lifestyle and yet later consider it a period of darkness.  But that is how I view those early days.  Sure, there were glimmers of light but much was missing and there were holes that only God could fill and torn places that only God could mend.  I love my husband and I am glad for God's transforming power in his life.  But I shudder to think of where we would be if God had not intervened.  And not just because of my husband, but because of me.

It was a long time before I could even refer to those early days when we met without cringing and without not even wanting to talk about it.  It was inevitable, someone would ask the question  "So...how did you meet?" and my soul was in turmoil.  I struggled between wanting to be completely honest with our new Christian friends and yet knew I had to just keep it light most of the time.  We had just come out of a different culture with a completely different set of rules.  Most of them were made up as we went along.  I knew that not everyone wanted to hear unpleasant details of how godless we were.  I felt like a war veteran returning home from a hard battle.  Everything was supposed to be "normal" now yet I had seen too much.  I had experienced things that I would not dare to attempt to put into words and most of them were by choice.  It would take time and healing to get over it.  It would take the grace of God and the understanding that his love is deep, constant and sure.

You know, I see these articles online that talk about choosing a husband and all of the things to look for.  They talk about making a list of all the qualities that are important to you and not forgetting it all when a cute guy is flattering you and you're tempted to lose your resolve.  Would you believe me if I told you that one of the first questions I asked my husband a little while after we had met was "Are you religious?"  And I wasn't asking because I was hoping he was.  I was glad when he said no.  Honestly, I couldn't have really defined "religious" except that I knew it had to do with God.  And I had nothing whatsoever to do with God.  And so, check that one off, we had a match.

The "live and let die" mentality that I had saddens me now.  What a pointless existence.  Even when I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted, I was really just confused and walking on shaky ground.

As my husband tells the story "We met in December, I proposed in February, and we were married in April."  Yeah, it happened fast.  He told me that he loved me after only two weeks.  It wasn't mutual,  I thought he was crazy.  He tried so hard to impress me, I thought he was showing off and almost broke up with him.  Almost.

When it came time for us to be married, for some strange reason I thought it should be in a church setting.  I told you I was confused.  Well, the chaplain had us take a compatibility test and it revealed that we had some very different backgrounds and ideas concerning God.  As we sat in the chaplain's office he handed me a sheet of paper so that I could read what he would say in a typical wedding and he said to me "I don't think you'd be comfortable with this."  And he was right.  There I was, in tears in his office.  Confused and wavering.

That was me when it came to my thoughts, my decisions and my life.  Just wavering.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  You try to act like you're ok, but you're not.  There are things about your life that look normal and healthy on the surface but inside you are full of darkness and emptiness.  And the sad part is that most of the time you don't even know it.  Most of the time you can get by ignoring it and think everything in your life is just fine that way it is.  Until God's light begins to shine in and helps you to truly see.

A firm resolve...
So here I am, 37 years old.  I'm thankful for God's grace.  I'm thankful that my husband and I have submitted our lives to Christ.  I wasn't careful enough but God was so merciful.  I know it doesn't always happen this way.  Those of us who know Christ cannot just take plunges in life and simply hope that everything turns out ok in the end.  We have to make careful, discerning and wise decisions when it comes to who we will spend our lives with.

I tell my children that I love their dad.  I love that he fears God.  I love that he is a hard worker and that pleasing God is so important to him.  I love that he takes good care of me.  I love that he loves them.  That he laughs and plays with them and best of all teaches them the Word of God.  This is all God's work in his life.  I don't want to take it for granted.  And I want them to see how important it is for a person to have these qualities.

You see, because cute guys who tell you what you want to hear will only last for so long.  The trials will come, the important decisions in life will need to be made and you can't get by with just his good looks and his sense of humor (although admittedly, they do help).  You want a man of firm conviction and integrity.  A man who will do what is right when no one else is looking.  A man who lives his life to please God and not himself.

Seek the Lord and choose wisely girls.  You won't find perfection but a man who loves God above all else and desires to know him more is where it starts.  And not just for them but for you.