Sweet and dreamy moments to remember

The trailer we are using is equipped with many necessities.  And just like any other living space it has it's quirks.  Like how the radio will suddenly turn on full blast at random moments.  The kids think it's funny.  They are probably most amused by the sight of me hurrying to turn the thing off!  It's strange, sometimes I wonder if the radio has some sort of motion sensor.  No matter how much I turn the volume knob (to the left!) and despite the fact that I have turned the power off--it will turn on with no help at all from human hands.  It's a mixture of being humorous and unsettling.  But don't worry, it seems to be happening less and less...I'm ok, really I am.

Besides, we've actually been putting it to good use lately.  Our new nightly ritual: bath time snuggles and sweet lullabies in the trailer.  Brienne started it one night.  She made it into the trailer just a little before I did and surprised me with this lullaby CD that I had never before listened to.  It set a calm and cheerful, "I'm so glad to be a mother to these sweet and wonderful children" atmosphere.  Words about loving your child from their cute little nose to the tip of their toes.  Words about holding them in your arms and rocking them to sleep.  Words of anticipation for the coming day "We'll ride painted horses with wind in our hair.  We'll always remember the laughter we shared..."  

The process of bath taking had begun.  Out of all the children, Isabel is the only one who still needs my help.  But she likes to play a while in the tub with Clara.  So while they are bathing and as the others come in after them, I hang out close by on my bed.  I usually read a book or write in my journal, treasuring a little time of quiet while everyone settles down for the night.  But on this particular evening, the sweet lullaby music played and began to take its effect.  All I wanted to do was to lie on my bed, stare out the screen door of the trailer and reflect.  

My thoughts were on my children.  How much I love them and how much I want to love them more!  All of my daily pondering of the past week...of wanting to really LIVE! and not just get through.  To do special things that we'll always remember and not just check everything off of the "To Do List".  Far too often I am too occupied with duty and task completion.  Sometimes I forget to make the fun times happen.  Sometimes I miss out on delighting in the little people in my life.

Usually by bed time I am tired from the busy day.  The children are sent off to bed once baths are finished and teeth are brushed.  But this night would start a new pattern.  I didn't want to hurry them off to bed.  No matter how late it was getting, I wanted to linger.

I wanted to convey through delighted smiles, hugs and kisses and reassuring words that I have more love for each and every one of them than my heart can hold.  My sweet children, freshly bathed, smelling wonderful and dressed in soft, cozy PJ's wanted to linger with their mama too.  And they took no initiative to go to bed until I finally had to tell them it was time.

The sky outside was dark, the lullaby music continued to play and the children were now cozy under their blankets.  They all looked so blissfully dreamy.  I went around and gently kissed those sweet foreheads of theirs and told them that I love them.  No matter what, I always will.

When you're wrong and you know it

Yesterday evening at church, a small group gathered to pray.  After praying together we listened to a message my husband gave from Psalm 103.  Funny that he should speak on the steadfast love of God to a weary soul such as mine.  Love was the very thing that seemed so elusive during a long day full of struggles and tears.

The thing is, I started off well, or so I thought.  It was the children who needed to learn to love each other with their words, with their consideration of others feelings, with their attitudes and actions.  I didn't wake up expecting that the day would be so full of difficulty.  Sure, there is always some measure of it.  But it's hard when it comes in large amounts.  It's hard when the challenges overwhelm and burden.  It stretches you thin when a child comes to you again with another issue to handle.  When he did this and she did that.  When feelings are hurt and the finger is pointed to the other person.  You know, the one with the problem.  Oh, how we all feel so justified in pointing the finger at someone else!

It was sometime in the afternoon when three "little learners" (so needy of knowing God's love and showing it to others) filed in the door to report each others transgressions to their mother.  Mommy had had just about enough at this point.  Were they even trying?  Did they realize how grievous their errors were?  Had they noticed that this kind of thing was happening way too much for a mom to handle in one day?!

I hit a weak spot.  A very tender and weak spot.  So weak that I felt I had lost my ability to help, reason or process solutions.  Or at least it felt that way.  All three children were sent to separate rooms to wait.  Mommy was going to pray and there would be a lot of crying to go along with it.  I'm talking the kind of crying where your eyes are closed tight in agony and you're chest heaves and the tears pour out.  I mean the kind of crying where your heart cries out to God for help because you don't know what to do next.  It's not pleasant but it's necessary.  Because the truth is, that in our weakness he is strong.  And realizing how much we need him is always a step in the right direction.

I'm so thankful my husband was able to walk over and sit down with the kids and I.  I'm glad he was able to bring a fresh and ready mind to help in the situation.  I'm not too proud to admit that sometimes the boost, the back up and the encouragement are so very needed.  I figured, in this case, that calling him out of work wasn't too bad of an idea since he hadn't taken a lunch break yet. ;)  And he was glad to come and he spoke and they listened and I prayed that it would all sink in.

But, honestly, I still had myself to deal with.  The whole thing put me in a sour mood and it wasn't until shortly before the aforementioned prayer meeting that I began to realize just how grumpy I was.  Sure, I felt I had every right to be with the way things were going.  But wait...  what about the whole reason this ordeal started?  What about the need to love others, to forgive, to show mercy and grace?  I had been trying to get it through to my kids with words but where was my example?  I thought of how I spent the day just plowing through, doing what needed to be done but with tired and frustrated expressions on my face.  I just wanted the day to be finished.  I couldn't wait for quiet time to be alone with no problems to solve or sin to correct.  And now I was beginning to see my own.  It's not a pleasant feeling to be getting ready for church, mentally making the effort to set your problems aside so you can...love others.  Was I more concerned about loving and encouraging my fellow believers than I had been for my children all day long?  It was a stunning realization.

All through the service a thought lingered in my mind.  I knew that as soon as I was "home" with the kids that I would gather them all close and ask their forgiveness.  I had failed to love them in a godly way.  I had failed to do the very thing I had told them they ought to be doing.  I had not truly loved them.

After the service, and after everyone but our family had left to go home, the children and I waited for my husband to lock up the doors.  It was dark outside and they were happily playing in the grass.  All the day's cares seemed to have been forgotten but I knew better.  I know that people can act like they're just fine even when they're hurting.  I know that grumpy, irritated expressions and actions can leave their mark.  I cannot erase those marks completely but by God's grace I can smudge the lines.  By God's grace there can be healing, restoration and forgiveness.

As I sat on the bench in front of the church, I decided that I didn't want to let any more time pass before my children knew my heart.  I called them to come close and expressed my sorrow and regret over a day that was made to be more difficult because of my attitude.  I took ownership of the fact that I had failed to love them as I should and as God wants me to.  And I hugged them tight all together in one big circle.  And you probably won't be surprised when I tell you that they were so willing to forgive and to smile and hug me back.  Children are usually very good at that sort of thing, aren't they?  It often makes a mother's heart melt.

And though I know that my love for them will never be perfect, I never want to presume upon their willingness to forgive.  It requires prayer, resolve, effort, and finding my strength in God to love these little people in those very difficult moments.

Lord, help me to love as beautifully and as completely as you do.  May my children see that your steadfast love is so powerful that it has made a deep impression in my heart, affecting the way I live in each and every moment you give me.  When I feel weak, help me to remember to turn to you quickly.  Help me to remember your steadfast love, how much it means to me and how important it is for me to be a reflection of that love in every thought, word and action.  I thank you that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  

Do you want peace?

As a young woman, peace was a desirable quality to me.  I wanted a life void of drama, conflict and disagreements.  I wanted to get along with everyone and not step on any one's toes.  I thought that if I could avoid these things that I would then have peace.  I even had a relative comment to me once "You seem so at peace."  I was a new mom, and a mostly happy person.  I was also on vacation...sitting in the cool shade on a sunny summer evening...who wouldn't be "at peace"?

Is there anyone who doesn't long for peace and serenity?  We may feel these things when all seems to be going well for us.  We may feel it when we sit on a quiet, secluded beach, with the warm glow of the setting sun all around us and the tide slowly moving in and out.  We may think peace is found in trickling fountains and fields of flowers swaying in the breeze...Oh, but what about those thoughts that threaten to undo us?  What about those difficult circumstances that we see no way out of?  You may be able to experience all of the external delights that I mentioned above, perhaps more than one at a time.  You may feel a sense of calm in the moment.  But what happens when those things are not there?  Do you still have peace?  Can you?

Jesus said..."Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you.  Not as the world gives do I give to you.  Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid."  John 14:27

When our hearts are troubled and afraid it is because we lack confidence in God's ability and even his desire to work in our lives.  We begin to fear that he is overlooking things.  We think that it is too hard for him to help us overcome the difficult situations that we are facing.  His Word reminds us that we are wrong when we think this way.  In fact, God even tells us how we should think instead.

"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.  Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD God is an everlasting rock."  Isaiah 26:3

When we let our mind wander down the path of fear, despair and worry, we are not trusting in God.  Notice he says "perfect peace".  If our mind is fixed on God (who he is, his character, his power, his love, his sovereignty etc.) and we trust in HIM, the "everlasting rock", we can have perfect peace in the most difficult of circumstances.

In an online article by Susan Jeffers, Ph.D entitled "Nine ways to find peace of mind" (beliefnet.com) she attempts to offer us some help in finding the peace we so greatly desire.  For example, her fourth step on the pathway to peace is to "Increase your inner sense of power".  She says, "One way to help you develop trust in yourself is to cut off negativity in the mind by saying to yourself over and over again, 'Whatever happens in my life, I'll handle it!'"  

You may convince yourself that you'll "handle it" but that does not mean you will have peace.  In the article, she writes of trusting not only in yourself, but also in the "Grand Design."  She encourages us to "focus on the blessings", the good things that happen in your life.  That this will "diffuse our fears about the future".  She makes no mention of the God who is The Grand Designer nor of the God from whom the blessings come from.  How can we ever expect to have true peace apart from him?  This is the kind of peace that the world gives.  It is based on the lie that "Peace comes from within, do not seek it without" (Buddha).  You can wrap it up in any package you like, it's still the same lie.  The lie that we can somehow generate peace within our souls apart from the LORD.  You may get a counterfeit peace but it will not be true and lasting peace that no one and nothing can ever take away from you.  

You know, as Christians we may choose not to listen the messages we get from the so-called experts like Susan Jeffers or even Buddha.  We may say that we stand on the Bible alone as our authority for living.  But is it possible that we have gotten some things wrong?  Could it be that we, too, have thought that peace is something that we can have apart from God?  Could it be that we have overlooked that we often choose worry over trust?  And that we often do not see God for who he really is, especially in the really dark moments?  We forget that he is holy, sovereign and unchanging.  We lose sight of his awesome power, his pure love and his perfect plan.  

You see, Dr. Jeffers got at least one thing right in her article.  We have little control over what is happening.  But here is what she fails to mention...God is in control.  Is there any part of you that doesn't believe that?  It's true, our sin and the sins of others really seem to complicate matters and sometimes life just gets messy.  We begin to wonder how we will ever clean things up and experience the peace of God.

Are you looking to God or are you looking within yourself?

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice.  Let your reasonableness be known to everyone.  The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

...And what will be the result if we obey God in this way?...

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:4-7

Please do not think that peace is something automatic just because you have placed your faith in Christ.  That is the first step and it is through our faith in Jesus that we have peace with God.  In other words we are no longer enemies and we have been reconciled to God through Christ's death on the cross.

But the peace I am referring to now is the daily disposition of trust in God.  It is the absence of fear, worry and inner turmoil.  This peace is not going to come raining down on you from the sky.  Everyday we make the choice whether or not to trust God with what we are facing.  It is not a one time decision.  You may recall how two years ago you really trusted God with a particular matter and now you stand on the other side of that decision with a glad heart because you trusted him.  But what about today's matters?  Are you making the choice to trust him now?  When your ship crashes on the rocks and winds blow fierce, what have you to cling to but the everlasting rock?  What is your cause for rejoicing but that God is the almighty, eternal One and the Savior of your soul?  

Pick up a hymnal or songbook and sing praises to the One who reigns above and accomplishes his will upon this earth.  Read his Word (perhaps the Psalms?) and revel in his majesty.  Turn your heart and your thoughts to view the greatness of our God and notice how problems that overwhelmed you begin to diminish because you recognize that they are all in his capable hands.  Choose not to be anxious but to pray instead.  Pray about everything, nothing is too small that he doesn't care and nothing is too big that he cannot handle.  Remember that he is the One who made you...every fiber of your being...he understands every intricate detail of your mind, body and soul.  How can you think for a moment that he cannot help you with what you are facing?

Someone wise has said, 
"In relation to Philippians 4:6 this means that what we have
here is not just a simple formula, 'If you’re anxious, try prayer; it
works.' Rather, it means, 'If you’re anxious, examine either your
lack of faith in the living God, who has promised to supply the basic
needs of His children.' Or, 'Examine your focus, whether you’re
living for Christ and His kingdom or for yourself.' Whatever the
root cause, anxiety is sin that must be confessed to God and put
off."

When you pray, choose to express thanksgiving to God.  When our problems overwhelm us, we get angry, grumpy, tired, and depressed.  Stop the downward spiral by looking up to God in trust and with words of thanksgiving, you will find that you are taking steps out of a dark and muddy pit.  Be refreshed in all that you have to thank God for.  I'm not just referring to material things but how much more so the spiritual blessings that we have been given.  Start with the fact that Christ died for your sin.  How amazing is that?

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:7

When we aren't getting a clear enough picture

One of the main things I desire to teach my children is that the accounts that we have in the Bible are not just good stories.  They are not even just good stories meant to simply teach us a moral lesson.  We learn about our great and awesome God through these accounts!  I want them to understand that the people that we read about were just like us.  They struggled with sin.  They struggled to trust God and love him with their whole heart.  Agreed, they didn't have the internet and video games but they had things that distracted them from thinking about God, spending time with him and getting to know him better.  We may think we have more challenges these days to living a godly life but the fact is, sin and it's desires are nothing new.

I have often been concerned about the tendency that people can have of misunderstanding what God was doing through his people in the Old Testament.  I'm sure Daniel knew that God was able to save him from the lions but that does not mean that he didn't feel any fear.  Remember, he didn't know exactly how things were going to turn out.  And just imagine if you were lowered into a den of lions.  Wouldn't you be scared? Wouldn't your heart be pounding?  Daniel was resolved to trust God through it but he didn't know that God would prevent the lions from tearing him to shreds.  We don't know what God is going to do.  We just know he is able to do all things.  That is where our trust is.

We have to be careful that we don't make a caricature of these people.  Sometimes children's Bible Story books do this.  I believe that it is possible for us to be somewhat blind to certain things that are right under our noses.  Sometimes our heart can be in the right place concerning teaching our children what is right yet the images around them convey a different message.

Have you ever sat down and really studied the pictures in children's Bible Story books?  If you haven't lately, take some time to look at them and ask if that is how you want your children to see those people. Sometimes, the pictures can say even more than the words.  But even the words are sometimes not accurate.  Watch out for the subtle twists that authors superimpose into the story.  Watch out for the subtle influence of their opinion that is not Bible truth.  It happens a lot in Bible movies but it also happens in Bible Story books.

I can't tell you how many I have rejected because of the strange and unrealistic artwork they are illustrated with.  For example, either Noah is depicted as some wild man with his long gray hair in disarray or he looks goofy and childish as though he's lost his mind.  Sometimes, the characters are depicted in such a way that they look scary or on the opposite side of the spectrum, they look cartoonish (or they look like vegetables! Does anyone else think this may not be a good idea?). I don't think all this helps with our children developing the understanding that these were real people.  These were people who laughed, cried and lived.  These were people who feared, failed to trust and got distracted. These were people who had a strong faith in God, though sometimes it wavered.  People just like you and me.

For whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.  Romans 15:4

Now these things took place as examples for us, that we might not desire evil as they did...

1 Cor. 10:6

Be careful, our children are not the only ones in danger of having a poor understanding of the Old Testament.  Many who have grown up hearing these stories either every day of their lives or at least once a week in Sunday School, have a tendency to think that they know all there is to know.  They "know" all of the stories about Abraham, Noah and King David like the back of their hand.  The question is do they know God better because of the way in which God worked in the lives of those people?  Have the things that the people in the Bible experienced in their walk with God been brought to bear on the way they live today?  Have they been "instructed" by it as it says in Romans 15:4?

In contrast, there are those who came to know the Lord later in life.  This is my category.  I pretty much avoided the Old Testament for years.  I thought it would be too hard to understand and would be way over my head.  The New Testament seemed so much easier to grasp and, well...NEWER!  I felt as though the Old Testament was a mountain I shouldn't dare to climb.  I later discovered how much I was missing.  Things like reading the very words of God spoken through the prophets.  I was also missing out on knowing God better through the way that he worked in others lives.  It is a book full of testimonies!  We also learn more about ourselves as we see how people responded in different circumstances.  And we find that we often respond in similar ways.  Please don't skip out on reading the Old Testament.  The gospel and God's plan to redeem us are displayed from cover to cover.  

Read and be encouraged.  God is working in your life as intimately and carefully as he worked in theirs.  He is not overlooking any of the details.  Even through hardships and difficulty his desire is for you to know him more and to grow in your faith.  Just like the people we read about in his Word.  May God bless you as you seek to know him through its pages and to teach your children about his awesome deeds.

What's big sis up to?

Our transition into a structured day of homeschooling has actually gone quite well.  It seems that every one or two years our family life changes a bit and we have to make adjustments.  One wonderful change this year has been to spread out my kids into different rooms so there is minimal distraction and we get more accomplished in less time.  It is working out great and I hope to continue the pattern when we move into our home.

I work with Clara, my first-grader, first thing in the morning and it has worked well to bring Isabel and Manny with us into the playroom to color or play while I teach Clara her lessons.  While we are tucked away in there, my other children are busy about accomplishing all of the work that they can do on their own, in the various rooms I have assigned them to

.  

This morning, as the morning work was almost finished and it was time for the kids to get dressed to go outside and play (yes, sometimes we do school in our pajamas), Isabel followed me into the main room to see what her big sisters were up to...

Brienne likes to get creative and do things that are out of the ordinary.  That is why instead of sitting at the table in a chair, she would rather sit on an ottoman in front of a piano bench.  ;)  

Of course, she was happy to have Isabel join her and to pull out some stickers just for fun.

Sisters.  So sweet.

I love to watch them together...it brings my heart such joy.

Don't apologize for the mess

Life lately is quite the crazy adventure.  Yesterday afternoon, there were big plans to lug four loads of laundry to the laundromat.  These plans were hindered by the exciting conversation Amera and I were having concerning our schedule for the new school year.  Some of the first things to figure out were: what time to get up? who showers when? (with one shower) and when to have personal and family time in the Bible?  Things are definitely going to be more structured in the coming days.  To be honest, in many ways I long for that.

So Amera and I were bouncing ideas off of each other and trying to get all this daily life stuff figured out.  She has all of these great ideas and plans to teach her siblings the Bible every other week.  I am so excited to give her a chance to implement them!  I am also excited to teach them more regularly than I have been lately.  So many plans to get excited about!  So, anyway, it was getting later in the afternoon and...remember those four loads of laundry?  Well I was just about to get up and go when my husband comes bursting in the door saying "Marisha, we need to go look at a house!"  So I jumped up, grabbed what I needed and headed out the door.  It was not the first time and it won't be the last.  It's exciting, it's disappointing...it's an all around adventure.  The search for our home continues.

No matter where we make our cozy abode, life will be happening.  Real life.  Life that sometimes gets messy.  Life that we don't always have time to keep up with.  Life that doesn't feel "normal".  Oh sure, schedules are good and all but I know all too well that some days they will completely fall apart.  Life will happen.  The unexpected will come up.  We will have to do our best to be flexible, go with the flow and just do our best.

I finally made it to the laundromat.  I took three children to help me and we finished just in time to rush home and heat up leftovers for dinner.  After dinner I had to run to the store to get diapers and school supplies for next week.  It was my first time driving to Target alone.  By the time I left it was after 10pm, it was dark out so things looked different and I had to try and remember how to get back home.  I didn't have a phone with me or I would have just called Javier for directions.  Thankfully, I recognized many of the street names from driving around looking at houses and I was able to find my way eventually.  All of this made for a late evening without much getting done on the home front.  All that to say, today the saga continued as late nights make for late mornings.

There are things around here that don't always get cleaned up or put away right away.  I cannot always put life on hold for that.  I'd like to say that I live in a spotless and mess-free environment but it's far from the truth.  I don't like messes and I spend a lot of time eradicating them.  But I am learning that sometimes they just have to wait.  More important things are happening.  Like the sweet morning I enjoyed just smiling and loving on my kids as we ate our breakfast cereal.  Like the excitement of showing Manny the new flashcards I got for him last night.  We enjoyed going through those.  It didn't take place in an immaculate home that looks like something out of Better Homes and Gardens either.  It looked more like this...

See, I could have fooled you a little bit and only shown you the first picture.  But, this was my morning.  I should have taken the photo with all my sweet children smiling around the table...yeah, that would've been better and then you'd understand why I let the mess wait a bit.  ;)  

You know, on a little side note, it's times like these that I usually receive unexpected visitors.  There are times (although probably rare!) when everything is neat, tidy and orderly but does anyone unexpected come over then?  Of course not!  

A sweet friend came over today to see if I needed anything from the store.  The kids and I hadn't started the "clean up party" just yet and I resisted the temptation to apologize for things being a bit messy.  It is a powerful urge because everything in me wants to say "Please don't think that I am comfortable with crumbs on the floor.  Really, ants are not my friends.  I was actually just about to clean up in here."  But I've learned it's better to just not mention it.  Better to just focus on being a friend and ignore it while they are there.  I was happy to have the time to visit with her and not make it an issue.  I had already resolved in my heart about a year ago that I would never again apologize for the messes our sweet life produces.  They happen, they are normal, and they can't always be cleaned up right away.  Sometimes people take precedence...especially little people.  :)

I'll leave you with a few sweet photos of Isabel and Clara from this morning.  Isabel calls Clara "Kah" and she was doling out the kisses and the cheesy smiles.

There is so much to love about being a mom to these precious little ones.  Sometimes the cleaning just needs to wait a little.  It'll always be there anyway.  These amazing children, however, are growing up fast!